Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not own a car

24 replies

ethelb · 02/03/2013 14:33

This has been a long standing issue with my family. First they went on, and on at me about learning to drive (I hated it at 17 and only got the money to do it a year ago when I was 25, I passed last April).

Since then my parents (and to a degree the rest of the family) have gone on, and on, and on about us (my partner and I) not owning a car. Every single discussion has been turned round onto this. We were going to buy one last April after I passed, but DP got a new job in London, we moved to central London, and then DP lost his job which has obviously made finances difficult (though obviously if we ever mentioned this to my parents as a reason for not buying a car we were accused of decreasing his chances of not getting a job by not having a car).

It has come to a head as this Easter we will be going to my parent's for Easter, and they are refusing to confirm whether easter will be at their house or at some other relatives who are about 40 miles/45 min drive away from their house. We used to pay to be added onto the insurance of their second car on these occasions but they have just sold this and now have one car which has 5 seats when 6 in total would need to travel form their house to a relatives.

If we are to go to another relatives house we would need to hire a car, which is fine, but we would need to organise it now as it is the easter weekend and prices will go up very quickly.

I have explained this and my parents are making out that we are being very unreasonable for asking this, as the other relatives are very disorganised (this is a null point as my mother is a real matriarch who controls all these kind of things). She has suggested that she will just have to take the train and cycle the remaining 10 miles on easter Sunday morning if they decide to go to one of my relative's houses.

I think this is martyrish behaviour, and just a way of pointing out how awful us not owning a car is and how it inconvenices others.

I know that car ownership/driving causes some strong feelings, but AIBU?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2013 14:48

Yanbu and your family sound obsessed . Ear defenders are cheaper than buying, running and insuring a car you don't currently need!

Sirzy · 02/03/2013 14:52

Perhaps the other relative hasn't confirmed their plans yet?

They shouldn't make a thing about you not having a car but at the same time you can't expect plans to work around that. You either hire a car anyway or make alternative plans to get there

ethelb · 02/03/2013 14:54

"sirzy I do get that, but my mother asked if I was coming to see them 'as they haven't seen me for a while' and want to see me. But they are hardly making it easy.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 02/03/2013 14:58

I think you have two options:

Hire a car if you want to go

Tell her that in view of the lack of firm arrangements you'll stay at home (if the visit is wanted by her rather than you)

lljkk · 02/03/2013 14:59

When we were carfree (even with kids) we would have planned a 10 mile cycle each way. Why not? Or do you need to use train on Sunday when they might not be running?

mmm... I think just plan to hire the car for Easter weekend to keep the peace. Plan any other useful-to-have a car errands for that weekend, too, if you can, like lugging stuff to tip or bringing home bags of cement from B+Q, whatever. Besides, when I rarely drove it was very strange & uncomfortable to drive again (skills became rusty) so good to hire once in a while to keep skillset going.

yanbu about the general pressure being absurd.

fwiw, DH's mum has pressured him like that in past. DH is good at shrugging her off, though.

We own 2 cars now, mind, but that's because I we wanted them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2013 15:02

Do you have bikes? If so say you'll do the train + cycle the rest - job done. Or stay halfway between your parents' and relatives' home. Or just don't bother.

By now I'd wonder what my DP would make of my family being so controlling and hung up on vehicles frankly.

specialsubject · 02/03/2013 15:02

there is a wonderful feature about the telephone for discussions like this. It is called the cradle...

Bogeyface · 02/03/2013 15:03

I would stop at home tbh!

SkinnybitchWannabe · 02/03/2013 15:05

I agree with Bogey, stay at home and invite them to yours another time.

ethelb · 02/03/2013 15:20

@donkeys my DP loves my family (more than I do sometimes) but is well aware they are a bit nuts. As am I.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2013 15:27

As long as it's all taken in good humour ethelb I am sure you will figure out something Smile

diddl · 02/03/2013 15:34

If you can't afford a car then you can't!

If you can't get to somewhere because of that,then you can't.

I would simply say that if there are no firm plans by xdate then no can do!

ethelb · 02/03/2013 16:41

@diddl the problem is that if we don't come because of transport problems, that will be deemed our fault as we don't own a car and the whole can of worms will be opened.

I think the issue is that I shouldn't have accepted an invite from my mother which is basically to do what ever they decide they are going to do on Easter Sunday, with all of the potential variables and extra costs that might entail.

I think I should have just said no until they had firmer plans (not that it was made clear to me that it might involved travelling so far on Easter Sunday until after I had said we would go Hmm)

OP posts:
diddl · 03/03/2013 07:51

Well yes, maybe you should have said no straightaway.

Can you just say no now?

It sounds as if they either don't care if they see you, want to keep up the fuss about a car or want to force you into buying one!

I couldn't be bothering with it tbh.

Kytti · 03/03/2013 07:56

Can't you stay at home? Or call the relative yourself to see what's happening?

You live in central London, you don't need a car. What's wrong with that?

zwischenzug · 03/03/2013 09:21

I would love to not own a car. They cost a fucking fortune to run. Your parents are being muppets.

EllieQ · 03/03/2013 10:59

YANBU! You live in central London, why would you need a car?

My in-laws are a bit like this - I think they think it's very odd that DH doesn't drive, and that although I drive we don't own a car as we've chosen to live somewhere where we can manage without one (I do belong to a car club so can hire a car when I need one). However, they rarely comment on it - your family sound obsessed.

It depends on how diplomatic you want to be - you could hire a car and drive instead of taking the train, even if they decide to have Easter at your mum's. Or you could just say that as your mother is being so vague, you've made other plans and deal with the fall-out. Maybe spend Easter with your DP's (more normal) family!

I'd also start telling your parents (and family) less about your life, to be honest - they don't need to know all the details of why you decided to not get a car. Sounds harsh, but if they can't respect your choices and harass you about it all the time, I'd be putting a bit of distance between you.

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/03/2013 12:15

If you want to stay friendly with your family and aren't up to confronting them atm (can quite understand this, I have been a bit the same) then I think you should just hire a car as that, if nothing else, will just shut them up.

lljkk · 03/03/2013 14:13

I said same, ILJudgeJudy. tbh, I think OP is being difficult by requiring everyone else to firm up the plans so that she isn't inconvenienced by paying for not-absolutely-strictly-necessary car hire. It doesn't sound like OP is so skint that this will be a major sacrifice (maybe I missed that bit?). Because seems like it's going to inconvenience others to have to make firm plans now. The gracious thing is to hire the car and then if it's superfluous for the family visit, it might still be useful for some other errands that weekend.

Squitten · 03/03/2013 14:20

We don't own a car either and my MIL goes on about it CONSTANTLY. We chose to live in a place with excellent transport connections so that we can get about easily and it's fine 99% of the time. I think she's secretly hoping that we will buy a car so that she can give up hers and make us drive her everywhere. Of course, Xmas and Easter cause constant headache.

Personally, I would hire the car anyway. We did it at Xmas and I think it's worth it for the one special occasion. That way you're prepared and can have a nice time. This is assuming that car hire cost is not an issue for you.

Christelle2207 · 03/03/2013 14:35

Yu should be able to book a car on a cancel-able arrangement until things are clearer? I would consider not going at all but i suspect this may backfire....

Btw good on you for not having a car. I live where it's completely necessary but we have one between us which many think is strange. Many of my friends earn very good money in london and most of them don't have a car despite having a licence. Not needed in London, period. It's rubbish that it would affect job chances as if you or dp got one that needed a car you'd surely just get one, noone will not give you a job if you just don't have one at that time as long as they are convinced that you will get there when the job starts, by car or otherwise.

Cars are dead expensive and running one is extremely bad for the environment. Stick to your guns op!

gordyslovesheep · 03/03/2013 15:44

.

ethelb · 03/03/2013 16:03

@lljkk I didin't mentional finances, but actually yes we are a bit skint due to DP losing his job in October, and we haven't yet had a pay check from his first job.

We are members of a car club, but one of them has a milage limit which would not work for how far we have to go and the other one is whip car, and we have sent out a few queries about availability but there aren't many free that weekend tbh. Plus we are now considering just going down for the day if they are going to one of our relatives houses, but don't think my parents will be particuarly pleased about this arrangement.

I don't want people to have to change their plans, of course not, but I do feel that I have been asked to 'firm up my plans' ie commit to going there, when no-one else has been asked to commit to anything, and that is pretty unfair. But that is a WHOLE other thread.

OP posts:
ethelb · 03/03/2013 16:06

first=current

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread