To not want DH to take DD (age 5) to shop on her birthday to buy her present / to let DD have chocolate and sweet things?

[Birthdaychocolate]

Two things where am genuinely unsure if IABU or if DH is, ot both/neither!

DD1 will be five soon, during the Easter holidays. We both have the day off work for her birthday.

DH would like to take her to Toys R Us (or similar) on her birthday to choose and take home her present(s) from us (she will have lots of other gifts, from extended family and her party the following weekend). I don't like the idea at all, for various.

The other thing is that DH would like the DC (DD2 is 2) to have sweet stuff only on special occasions, e.g.birthday parties, holidays. He is happy for them to have ice cream and the odd cake/biscuit, but would prefer them not to have sweets or chocolate. He gets angry with me because I disagree and allow them to have stuff when it is offered by others.

I don't buy it myself (with the exception of "plain" biscuits for DD at after-school club and sometimes those chocolate animal biscuits for both girls), at home I don't serve puddings, just yoghurt/fruit, and try to do healthy snacks. But our CM (who serves lovely, healthy meals and lots fruit and veg) gives treats, playing at others' houses, and my parents (who we see every couple of months for a few days at a time) are lavish with the chocolate, deliberately so (they know about DH's views).

Who is BU?

Oh and I do realise that the grandparents are BU!

Neither of you is right or wrong about either issue, your approaches are valid but different. You need to discuss it and try to reach a compromise you're both happy with.

Why don't you like the Toys R Us idea? As for the sweets thing, I think he's being a bit uptight but I wouldn't say either of you is unreasonable exactly.

I think the toys r us idea is perfectly sensible, she will feel so lucky being able to choose her own present and at least you know it will be something she really wants.

As for the sweet stuff with dd2, everything in moderation. Setting them up for big issues with food if you ban things or constantly surround it with the word "no". A bit of chocolate and the odd sweet never did anybody any harm.

Also does he get annoyed at the CM + GP for giving treats, or is it just that he wouldn't do it if he were there?

On Toys R Us I would prefer the traditional thing of asking DD what she would like, then getting something, wrapping it up to open on the day. Also suspect that if taken to big toyshop (we never take her to them really) she would be overwhelmed by choice and pick something -hideous- unsuitable.

He would prefer the CM not to give certain kinds of treats and for me to request this of her, but she has other mindees and her own DC and as mentioned makes a lot of effort with meals and looking after them overall, so I don't think it's fair to dictate to her too much, it's her home etc.

He does get annoyed with my parents, which I understand.

Why not take her on a "sightseeing" tour to a toyshop before her birthday, explaining you will not be buying anything, to see what she likes. Then go back and buy it for presenting to her on the actual day. That's what we did with my five year old. She had the excitement of the toy shop without being overwhelmed about having to make the exact decision then and there.

At only 5 years old she isn't really old enough to choose a suitable present I think. When I was 5 I desperately wanted a sculpting knife, so I could take up sculpting. Surprisingly, my parents thought I might be better off with an art and craft set! (I was still delighted with my present, although a little disappointed not to get the knife!)

Also I think there is more excitement from unwrapping the present, not knowing what it is etc. If you take her to Toys R Us she might be a bit overwhelmed, and not understand why she can't choose a too expensive or age inappropriate toy.

Think your DH is being a little unreasonable with the chocolate ban, nothing wrong with a little bit occasionally. It's a bit odd that he is happy for them to have ice cream, an uncontrolled portion of ice cream is lively to be much higher in fat and sugar than a treatsize bar of chocolate (where the size is controlled and you know exactly what your DD is getting)

Think that kind of compromise might be good, domesticslattern, or maybe looking at a catalogue or online with her.

That is cute frogspawn, what ambition you had!

If you do go with the compromise, is there a toyshop near you which is smaller than ToysRUs? Just as that shop blows my mind as it is so big and full- DD1 tends to cope better in a smaller independent toy shop especially when carefully shepherded towards a particular aisle!! You are absolutely right that they get very overwhelmed by choice.

why dont you buy your daughter a present and wrap it I am a bit confused do you let her have sweets at others houses and her dad disagrees it all sounds a bit ott there is no right or wrong but my right would be buy her a present wrap it and give her it and allow her chocolate now and again chocolate is not heroin

OH i get you now I didnt read right. as I said before no right and wrong but sweets now and again and when at peoples houses is fine how would your DH police this , he is going to come across as a bit bonkers imo

My DD is 5 and she had a voucher for Toys R Us for her birthday. She found it very hard to choose, and I think, quite stressful, as she was aware of the limit. She kept choosing and then putting back, then picking it up again, then choosing something else!

With regard to the sweets/chocolate, personally I think your way is better. Little and more regularly as a treat. We talk to DD about 'everyday' food (i.e. fruit, vegetables, protein, carbohydrates), and occasional food (i.e cake, sweets, crisps). We also talk about 'goodness' so vegetables have lots of vitamins and minerals, potatoes are carbohydrate and filling, meat/fish helps to fill you up and make your muscles grow (!).

I've seen children at parties who are obviously restricted with sweets an chocolate at home, they can go absolutely mad when they get an opportunity, shovelling it in like they're starving! At the last party we went to, I counted 16 pink wafer biscuits on 1 child's plate . DD had a couple of biscuits, a couple of sandwiches, some cucumber, some sweets and a cake. Not brilliantly healthy but more balanced, and as she's only 5 I was quite impressed!

I've seen children at parties who are obviously restricted with sweets an chocolate at home, they can go absolutely mad when they get an opportunity, shovelling it in like they're starving! At the last party we went to, I counted 16 pink wafer biscuits on 1 child's plate

this they do go mad with sweeties at parties if they are restricted at home and I can imagine parents freaking out about sugar highs when they get home

Yes, I think re: sweets your DH is being a bit over the top. It's not fair to expext your CM to have to deal with the fallout of her denying your daughter treats when the other mindees have them. And it's not fair to expect your daughter to understand why she can't when everyone else has them. As you say, it's not like it's every day.

Re: toys r us, I can see the appeal of both really. I know when I was 5 I would have loved to go and pick something, but I would definitely have had trouble sticking to a budget and would probably have ended up pestering for something far too expensive. I think the idea of going before her birthday to look is a great compromise.

So you don't want your husband to buy your daughter a toy and a sweetie on her birthday....... Charming

Yabu :/

suspect that if taken to big toyshop (we never take her to them really) she would be overwhelmed by choice and pick something -hideous- unsuitable.

True, ime, good point!!

I think tis diffs of opinion. I endorse being stricter with sweets rather than more relaxed because they only get more & more frequent as they get older, anyway. But not at the expense of making life difficult for CM and the child's experience at CM any less positive.

Seems to me you both have room for compromise?