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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel intimidated by my daughter's dance school principal and not know how to handle her?

22 replies

mummytowillow · 01/03/2013 20:43

My daughter (5) goes to a local dance school on a Saturday morning for an hour and half to do ballet and tap. She enjoys going and I quite enjoy the peace and quiet.

The school principal is in her 70's and has run this school for years. Its a large school and she runs many classes, with help of course. I feel she is rude, aggressive and has no idea of what is appropriate and what is not!

Admittedly my daughter has missed a several Saturdays recently, one due to the snow, one due to illness and one due to a school competition she was entering.

The last time we went she made a comment to my daughter about not coming enough and then accused me of something in front of other parents and I was puzzled with her accusation. I cleared this up with one of the othe helpers and it was all sorted.

However, I'm naffed off she said this in front of the other parents and makes these comments to my daughter (she has also had other little digs at her) she's 5 FFS!

I've also heard her being rude to other parents and everyone justs sits there and takes it. I'm not known for being scared of confrontation but she really intimidates me!

Were going in the morning and I just know she's going to tut and make a dig about us missing last week. I'm also dreading telling her we can't come next weekend as were going away with my family. I need to man up don't I

I see it this way, she provides a service that I pay for, so that makes me a customer. I work in customer services and would never be that rude to a customer. So why am I taking it from her?

I don't want to move my daughter as she is settled there, so any suggestions on how to handle her would be appreciated.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 01/03/2013 20:46

If you pay for it and you dont like the service provided, take your business elsewhere. Saturday dance classes are not compulsory.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2013 20:47

My DD's one is the same. Scary with a veneer of respectable poshness. I reckon it is good for DD to learn how to cope with all sorts. I would model some good techniques in front of DD. Act as though it is a teaching moment!

hiddenhome · 01/03/2013 20:48

You should find somewhere else to go and tell her a few home truths when you leave.

CloudsAndTrees · 01/03/2013 20:53

She's probably a failed professional dancer, or actress, and this is how she gets her power trip.

If you want your dd to continue at her school, you are probably going to have to put up with it. Just don't credit her with enough power to upset you.

claig · 01/03/2013 20:58

I used to have a 70 year old teacher at school. She was formidable. Everyone was scared of her and rollickings were given if pupils could not do the grammar etc. She kept everyone on their toes and everybody did their homework for fear of a rollicking.

I got on with her great and that was because I was not afraid of her and joked and was humorous with her (but not in an undermining way). By my joking, she saw that I had no fear and she respected me more.

This teacher sounds a bit similar. Show no fear, make no excuses, but act jovially and unperturbed and she will see that you don't have fear and react how she expects you to and things will be easier.

claig · 01/03/2013 21:02

'I need to man up don't'

That is the key. Once she sees your backbone, she will respect you more. But don't do it by rowing, do it subtly by humour.

My teacher was unique and fantastic. I have never met anyone with her amount of spirit. So don't dismiss people like this, because they are unique.

Aika · 01/03/2013 21:02

I would vote with my feet. Why should you bring your hard-earned money to someone like that?

AgentZigzag · 01/03/2013 21:03

It's difficult because she's in her 70's, and I think that does make for a different handling process because if you said anything to her it would undoubtedly be taken as you being stroppy by her and you'd then look like you're into kicking older people, which is akin to kicking puppies and kittens

Of course she shouldn't be rude to you, but it's the transaction you're prepared to do with her that's important.

If you think her classes can give your DD something other classes can't, then you might agree that the pay off of her not talking to your DD in a completely friendly way all the time, and her being curt with you, is worth what your DD can learn from her.

But if your DD's just doing it for the fun of it and talking to her like that isn't giving her the benefit maybe a less formal class would give, then move her onto something else.

It has to be the latter at five doesn't it? (unless you come from a long line of professional dancers ) DD1 started classes at 5 and she's still with the same person now she's 12, with a fair few exams under her belt. It's only happened that way by accident rather than design, she enjoyed them and wanted to go, and like you say, we enjoyed the peace and quiet

Does your DD like going, that's the most important thing. She might not even notice if the woman is what you think of as snippy.

CognitiveOverload · 01/03/2013 21:04

If your daughter is happy and settled, I would inclined to ignore her...these types of people areeverywhere.

claig · 01/03/2013 21:09

When my mum went to parents' evening and met her for the first time, my mum was scared of her. The 70 year old teacher sat on the desk and banged her fist on it while talking. She was brilliant.

Aika · 01/03/2013 21:09

If you don't want to leave, then you should adopt a more grown-up tone when speaking to the headmistress. Remember that you are the client! Inform her that you are not coming next Saturday and don't apologise. Be calm and firm, don't act/feel intimidated. I've seen a fair share of the snooty teachers - they tend to treat you like a child if you let them.

youarewinning · 01/03/2013 21:13

I take it you pay for a term of lessons and its you who loses out financially if your DD doesn't attend?

If so, just tell her that.

Dance teachers ARE scary IME though!!!

stormforce10 · 01/03/2013 21:19

OP just wondering if your dd is at the same ballet school as mine. This all sounds very familiar. Do the initials RN mean anything to you (name of school)

Murphy0510 · 01/03/2013 21:28

In all honesty I would move her elsewhere. Like you said, you are a customer. Sounds like she is on a power trip!

claig · 01/03/2013 21:30

She is old school, a stickler. Nothing wrong with that. The fact that she is still running all these classes at her age shows that she loves her job and takes it very seriously. Her attitude is nothing personal, it is just old school.

claig · 01/03/2013 21:36

'I've also heard her being rude to other parents and everyone justs sits there and takes it'

She is the same to everyone, and they are all getting an old school schooling.
If Gove has his way, we may see the return of old school along with the old school curriculum. It is all part of rigour!

Merinda · 01/03/2013 21:44

yes, she is old school. Reminds me a lot of my own dance teacher. For her dance is about discipline and hard work, so treating it as a optional passtime, and not coming in regularly is probably boderline insulting for her.
She just seems to be the type :-). Probably not much else in her life.
I would just relax and calmly explain your reasons for not showing up there. Not the end of the world.

FranKatzenjammer · 01/03/2013 21:47

Are the children working towards a dance performance, exam or similar? If so, it is perhaps understandable for the teacher to be a little frustrated with your daughter's attendance. However, there is no excuse for rudeness or for making snide remarks to a 5 year old!

claig · 01/03/2013 21:49

'For her dance is about discipline and hard work, so treating it as a optional passtime, and not coming in regularly is probably boderline insulting for her.'

Yes, and it is in fact a good sign, because a lot of the top teachers who have been doing it for years, like top voilin teachers etc., have this hard work no nonsense attitude. They demand the best because they often are the best.

Original poster

mummytowillow · 01/03/2013 21:54

Stormforce, no not the same! You mean there is another dragon teacher somewhere

OP posts:

Original poster

mummytowillow · 01/03/2013 21:58

A lot of the comments make sense, dancing is her world apparently and to be fair it is a good school.

There is a show in the summer, once we've missed next week I will ensure DD goes every week as it isn't fair on everyone else who trains for it.

I will take the advice of 'biting my lip' and just let her get on with it but I might blow one day

OP posts:

mgrg · 05/03/2013 23:54

I know it's hard but I have experienced the same thing with my daughters for the last 12 years. I have no back ground in dancing, but my girls love it. All of us mothers are the same, but our daughters seem to really benefit from the discipline which the dance teacher instils upon us all.

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