Getting married for the second time

[Iammyhair]

I got married at 18, I knew it wasn't going to work and shouldn't of done it. But we had a 6 week old baby together so thought we should give it a go. It wasn't a big wedding, about 20 people. It was silly but I was young and thought it was the right thing to do and was pressured by my mum.

Now fast forward 8 years, we have been divorced for 5. I'm still young so have an open mind about getting married again having more children etc.

But my problem is other people's opinions on this! Maybe I'm being unreasonable and over sensitive about this but in the last week I've had my mum and sister telling me that you shouldnt have a big wedding for your second wedding, you should just slope off and do it quietly without anyone knowing.....WTAF honestly??? And a very good friend of mine saying 'well it wouldn't be the same would it, you've ruined it for yourself, do you not get worried that a man won't want you because your divorced with DS?'

These comments make me furious!! I was 18 I made a mistake and I've learned from it, I just find it so unfair and judgy. I didn't have a proper wedding the first time, no dress, no friends, no engagement ring, no party, no gifts, nothing.

So am I being unreasonable to think that when/if I meet the one, I could do it properly? And it would be ok to do this? I am probably being over sensitive but this has really bothered me as I would love to do it all properly (wedding, marriage, kids etc) in the future and never thought it would be an issue. Now I'm not sure!

You can do whatever you want to do.
Your friend with the 'no man will want you' comment - I hope you told her where to stick it!
I'm engaged (have been for some time...) to a divorcee with 2 kids so yah boo to your mate.
He had a very small wedding first time round and would like to have more of a party this time - it's still the 'first' wedding for us.

You can have whatever kind of wedding you and your partner want, if you can afford it of course! If you feel like you missed out last time, then go for it. Do you have someone in mind?!

Your friend sounds horrible. No one sensible would judge you for having a "proper wedding" just because it's your second marriage.

However, if I may offer a word of warning? According to all the wedding magazines and bride fairs out there, a "proper wedding" takes two years of organisation and would cost you around £20,000. Do you have that amount of cash to splash around?

Well it also depends on what your future DH wants. My DH hadn't been married before (I had) and he wanted a big do - so we had one!

The small wedding for second time around is a throwback to the time when almost all first weddings were in churches and second weddings in register offices and there were no pretty castles or other nice venues to get married in. Register offices being often a bit grotty and the ceremonies being short meant that the ceremony itself did not seem to warrant a fantastic dress and lavish reception. Times have changed - luckily.

I should go with what you and your future DH want for yourselves. Ignore the "smug marrieds" and their nasty comments.

There is a nice line in Jilly Cooper's Rivals where Rupert is getting married for the second time in a Cathedral - he says this is because "it's the real thing this time."

I got married last year. My second, his first

Like you i married very young first time around. Very small do. Mostly organised around my mum's taste and idea of what was enough or appropriate.

This time around i had a lovely white dress and a proper ceremony. I chose the flowers and he chose the music. Wonderful day.

(If i had my way entirely we would have run off for a beach wedding - just us and the DCs - but his family would have never forgiven him and neither would my mum!)

OP you only live once. The past is the past. If you meet the right guy and you decide to marry, then the pair of you must have the wedding that pleases you both best. If that's just two of you on a warm sandy beach of a far off shore, a doves and pink horses extraveganza, or a traditional church and afternoon tea - it's your business, no one elses :)

I got married for the first time in very similar circumstances - but when I remarried, many years later, I just did it exactly as we wanted it, regardless of the fact some of the guests had already seen me get married once.

It was low key because DH and I had been together years and had kids together etc, but we had a hell of big party that evening. So you're right - if and when you remarry, have the wedding you want.

Think this is the old fashioned view.my mum believed no man would take on another man.
'S child.'Don't think many folk think like that now