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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if your DH already has kids.....

49 replies

MortifiedAdams · 01/03/2013 13:22

....and you dont (obv. step kids aside), you should still qualify for free IVF?

A woman I know who has never been pregnant is unable to and IVF may work for her. Our local entitlement is three attempts on the NHS. She doesnt qualify for even one free attempt, because her DH has dcs from a previous relationship.

It would cost them around 7k, and they are saving, but it is taking a loooong time.

OP posts:

willyoulistentome · 01/03/2013 13:27

Personally yes, I do. I had step kids, but never felt that I loved them 'like my own'. ( very jeallous of those SMs who do feel that) I was lucky enough to have 2 of my own with DH, so it hasn;t been an issue, but I imagine I would have been devastated if I had been refused IVF because of his having kids with another woman.

Sirzy · 01/03/2013 13:31

It's a tough one. If a woman already had children and then remarried and couldn't conceive should they being given treatment?

I do think things should be taken on a case by case basis but I can see why couples with no children should generally get priority when funding is limited

Original poster

MortifiedAdams · 01/03/2013 13:34

But those with no kids get three attempts.... maybe if that was reduced, those women without babies could maybe have one attempt?

I do think its different if the man hasnt had kids and the woman has - a man cant be pregnant and give birth. Its the removal of that opportunity to the woman that specifically rankles.

OP posts:

Hoaz · 01/03/2013 13:46

Really Mortified, you think it's the giving birth that's important, more than having your "own" child?

What would your friend's position be if she were single? Forgive my ignorance, I have no idea if IVF is available to single women.

Sirzy · 01/03/2013 13:49

So women should get the chance to be a parent but men shouldn't? how is that fair?

SilverClementine · 01/03/2013 18:26

Why should the state pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Losingexcessweight · 01/03/2013 18:36

Can her husband say he hasnt got children so she would be entitled to IVF?

I dont know if they would get away with that, but its something to look into

fieldfare · 01/03/2013 18:36

I think that if a couple doesn't have children together then they ought to qualify.

HildaOgden · 01/03/2013 18:38

'Can her husband say he hasnt got children so she would be entitled to IVF? '

I can't even begin to say how wrong I think that is,on so many levels.

Beamur · 01/03/2013 18:39

YANBU
As a stepmum, who is very fond of her SC, I would have been devastated not to have been allowed IVF if needed because of them. I think it is a recipe for souring step-relationships.

Losingexcessweight · 01/03/2013 18:41

Hilda.

Its not wrong if your only saying it to get the treatment.

HecateWhoopass · 01/03/2013 18:43

So if a man has children that live with their mother and he has them, say, every weekend, and he remarries and his second wife is unable to have children, she must either divorce him and find someone who has no children so they can have IVF together, or be content to be a step mother to someone's children every weekend? Not actually raise children, not be a decision maker, be aware at all times that these aren't actually her children?

Or adopt, obviously, adopted children are your own children, but the reality is that there are many people who don't wish to take that option. Whether they should or shouldn't feel that way is a different issue and not relevant to this issue, I don't think.

Is it reasonable to say to someone - these are your choices?

Cos it's not like, realistically, in most cases, they are going to actually have these children living with them, are they? Many many more children live with the mother and visit the father than the other way round.

CloudsAndTrees · 01/03/2013 18:54

I think if the problem that causes the need fir the IVF is with the woman, then yes, she should be treated, because it is fixing a problem with her and she is childless.

If the problem that needs to be treated with IVF is with the man, then no, it shouldn't be offered, because the person who needs the IVF already has children.

I think three cycles is too generous, and it should be limited to one.

zwischenzug · 01/03/2013 19:24

No doubt I will get flamed to hell here, but the world already has too many people in it, nobody should be given fertility treatment on the NHS.

GlitterySkulls · 01/03/2013 19:26

we were eligible for three attempts of IVF on the NHS (didn't need it in the end), we just had to provide written proof that DSD wasn't residing with us.

we're in scotland, though, could be different rules here.

HecateWhoopass · 01/03/2013 20:51

How have you come to terms with your infertility and the fact you will not be able to give birth to children, zwisshenzug? Did you adopt?

Dumdeedumdeedum · 01/03/2013 21:34

My friend was in this position, it sucked. She egg shared. Twice the other woman got pg and she didn't. Third time lucky for her. I was so angry she was put through that pain to save a few thousand quid when my minted friends get free drugs for every illness just because they have epilepsy.

givemeaclue · 01/03/2013 23:43

Didn't qualify for any treatment on nhs and neither of us had kids.

it is difficult.
£7k should pay for 2 cycles. Cost us £17k
in total but all worth it in the end.

I wish your friend lots of luck

Fairylea · 01/03/2013 23:47

It's a postcode lottery thing isnt it?

We qualified for free ivf because I already had a child but dh didn't.

I think it would be fair if it were the other way round too.

Thankfully for us, we conceived naturally against all the odds whilst on the waiting list!

Flojobunny · 01/03/2013 23:53

It's not saying if you have step kids you can't have IVF, its if you have step kids your can't have free IVF. The line has to be drawn somewhere and with such limited resources, being a step mum is better than nothing.

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2013 23:56

"Why should the state pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?"

It isn't it is treating a infertility.

I agree that whoever is infertile should be eligible for free IVF, if they don't have biological children.

SorrelForbes · 02/03/2013 00:03

This is the situation we are in. Tbh we had a double whammy as by the time we we refered I was 39 and 40 before all the tests were done and therefore just outside our PCT's age limit if 39. However, as was kindly pointed out to me at the time, age was irrelevant as DH had two teenagers already.

Startail · 02/03/2013 00:13

I think the NHS should fund treatment for everyone to have a shot at a child that is genetically theirs.

It is just such a deep and fundamental part of being human to want a child.

No I don't think the NHS should fund IVF so a couple each with DCs from previous relationships can have a child together.

Startail · 02/03/2013 00:18

DSILs DH is far older than her, his DCs are lovely, but they were almost grown up when they married. I can see how the NHS can count a few days every holiday (to far apart for anything else) could count as parenthood for her had she not conceived naturally.

Startail · 02/03/2013 00:19

Can't see

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