Cut ties with MIL.

[yogamomma]

I need help. Is it ever okay to feel like there is no more you put into a realtionship with MIL and call it a day? I have had enough abuse from the woman, but am i doing the right thing?
She has made no effort to get to know my DD, is the polar opposite to what i belive a good healthy lifestyle consists of and has no interest in getting to know me.
She such a childish woman that i cannot tolerate her negative attitude ANYMORE.
Please if anyone else is stuggling with this, advice would be HUGELY appreciated.

*believe

I would say we'd need more info to advise. But I would say there's nothing wrong with saying to yourself, "I've given it a go, I'm not going to be rude, but I'm going to stop trying" and just leave it up to them. If she's not bothered about getting to know you or your DD, then stop trying to force a relationship.

I did it after mil physically attacked me, in some cases it is neccessary. But a word of warning even though ds and mil were not close and MIL didnt make much effort with him he still found it hard and upsetting.

He asked why she wasnt visiting anymore I explained which started questions of if I am really naughty will you stop me visiting when im older.

I stopped making an effort with mine about 10 years ago. We'll nod and pass pleasantries at each other at events where we are both present but that's it.

It was such a relief.

I time trips out to coincide with her visits and DH takes the DC round to see her regularly but I never go.

How old is your dc?
Are there any other gc?
What does your dp think about the situation?

It completely perplexes me why gp don't seem to want to be in their gc lives. Even if they don't get on with the parents, surely a relationship with the gc is more important.

I would suggest maybe cutting your ties if you feel it's irreparable but explain to your mil and dp that if she wants to see your dc that she can. Supervised if you feel necessary.

I think it's difficult long term to cut ties completely unless your dp and your dc cut ties too. And that's a big move. To me cutting ties means forever. Can you imagine never seeing her or never her being in your do or dc life again?

It's a very personal decision IMO.

Some people are just disinterested. Not meaning to offend in any way but just not interested iyswim.

But it's no good if she's spouting venom about you. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that in front of your dc.

my mils behaviour is too extreme I cant be around it - she never takes a break from it - i also feel relived but my DH also suffered due to his DP - so its not like he as a fab relaitonship with her either...that would be much harder to manage...

I tried to fit in, be nice - bit my tongue a millions times to keep the peace, and it didnt get me anywhere - something snapped in her and she let rip over noting and basically came out that she never liked me anyway. 6 years of flinging myself agaisnt a wall.

life is very very short.

life is precious - so many things go wrong - people split up - get ill - nasty things happen, if anyone repeatedly rains on your parade and shows no signs of desisting i think you have every right to try and curtail that behaviour.

My DC is 14 months. After every argument that we have, i always stress how vitally important it is and how blessed my dc is to HAVE 2 sets of grandparents in her life and say how i am willing to do what i cant to make it easier for her, but in order to do this the constant negativity HAS TO STOP. She does not have any respect for my personal views. For example when my dc was 2 days old she INSISTED on coming to see us, not just her for the day, but also SIL, SILs 3 year old son and her friends. They booked a hotel and stayed for a week. I felt i was put in a position where i couldnt say no, i kindly asked that they did NOT under any circumstances smoke. I believe this to be a relitively small ask considering everyone knows the damage, but they could not even do that. They joke about me having high standards (as i am commited to a lifestyle for me and dc of positivitity, health food and being relaxed as possible) as i am sure EVERYONE wants. i am received with nothing but sniggers and how she thinks i think i am better than everyone else. My dp just keeps saying sorry and that he doesnt know what to do. she seems to have him under the thumb. He appreciates that what she is doing is horrible, but i dont think he has a clue what to do. I am trying so hard to stay positive but she really is so childish. It is unbelieveable the things she will do to get her own way. Its like she cannot live with drama, if nothing dramatic is happening she creates something. I will contact her and ask how she is, her response always echos: i am okay BUT....and something is always wrong. I choose not to indulge myself with the wrong things but try to concentrate on the positive. She is 50, divorced twice, now living with a man 12 years her junior who doesnt speak english and when things go wrong, she wants everyone to be at her beck and calL. She is diabetic and but refuses to stick to a diet her doctor orders for her and believes she has NOTHING to learn from me. All she wants is for someone to say poor you, and there is only so long i can listen to it. When i cant anymore she gets nasty. Its too much.

*she cannot live without

Thank you. I really like what you said at the end. Lifted my spirits :)

Personally I think cutting ties over that would be silly and very awkward for your dh.

Most families have a drama queen. She won't change. That's just how she is.

I'd probably just sit back a little and don't get involved. Don't ring her. Don't arrange to meet. Leave it for her and your dh to sort. Maybe be 'busy' for a couple of occasions to give you some space for a bit.

I think cutting ties completely over childish behaviour from her will backfire on you. Maybe from your dh.

I think it's probably best for you to discuss it with your dh and take it from there.

I dont think you should cut ties because of that its a very hard thing to do particularly on your dp.

Just think how you would feel if in the future your ds cut ties with you because of silly disagreements. I speak as someone who did cut ties.

Hi OP - I do think YANBU I'm afraid. You say "everyone wants positivity, healthy food and being as relaxed as possible". Er sorry, there are plenty of us who enjoy eating unhealthy food from time to time (and possibly ALL of the time) and find relaxation boring.

Her diet, her relationship is none of your business. Her dramas also don't have to be any of your business, just ignore all of that stuff.

I think cutting all ties is far too extreme. However you would not be unreasonable to try to step back and keep more distance in the relationship.

You do sound a bit sanctimonious with the "They joke about me having high standards (as i am commited to a lifestyle for me and dc of positivitity, health food and being relaxed as possible) as i am sure EVERYONE wants."

As for the non-smoking order, were you expecting them not to smoke at any point in the week they visited, or just while at your house? the latter is fair enough, the former is controlling and totally unreasonable.

I have cut ties with my ILs. Pil are quite different to me...loud, heavy drinkers,but I had always felt quite lucky that they were my ILs, because they were fun to be around. When we had our dd, it started off wonderfully. Mil was over most days and was welcomed. I was having quite a hard time of it...my dad was dying of terminal cancer, I'd had a traumatic birth/csection and pregnancy hormones were raging, plus my beautiful little one had been diagnosed with hip dysplasia and had to wear this horrible harness 24/7. Anyway the day after that..mil said to dh that it seemed like I didn't like them! Dh couldn't understand it...it came from nowhere. She also said that it seemed I hated my bil (because I had mentioned he was coming over to see the baby (aged about 5 days then) very late like 9pm, we'd tried to tell him but he is a bit precious and gets the hump really easily so mil kindly said she'd have a word with him and just reiterate how sleep deprived and tired we were.
Next day odd phone call and then she came over "to bring an olive branch" but instead of explaining she said just to forget it. I had to ask "what did I do wrong to make you think this" and she launched into a tirade of how I was a horrible person, unfair, didn't accept her offer to look after the baby when I went back to work (baby was two weeks old at this time and dh had already given up his job to be a sahd) never came over (they live just down the road, and I had walked down once but it was painful with my csection, oh and we had refused to go for Sunday lunch which was 1 week after the baby was born because I was quite ill and vomiting etc. anyway, I asked how long she had felt like this and she said years...I asked why she had not thought to talk to me about how she felt before now, when I wasn't dealing with all this...no reply! the tirade went on for ages, dh was shocked, neither he or I could get a word in edge ways. In the end she stormed out. I cried for 6 weeks! dh and I asked her to apologise for shouting at me like that and said actually she was entitled to her opinion of me, and that I would stay out of her way in future, BUt that she could see dd (first gc) and we waited, step fil phoned and said they would come over and talk...we waited, nothing! So now dd is 4 months old and they haven't seen her or us since she was like 2 weeks old.
It's crazy. Dh says though that mil has always been a bit nuts and that he has felt quite bullied over time in various things by mil and step fil...so we didn't chase them. We are actually moving to a new area and dh doesn't want to give them our new address. I have wondered if we are depriving dd of grandparents, but dh doesn't want them around her.
Sorry..that was soooo long, probably doesn't help you. I hope you can work something out

You don't have to cut ties, just leave it to your DP, it's his family. If he wants to make the effort he can do so, it's not your problem.