Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is becoming increasingly unsociable

27 replies

pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 20:12

Made plans with my DB/SIL tonight to stay at a cheap hotel after a day out
this summer. We've been invited as guests to a race meeting (not really my scene but was looking forward to it). There's unlimited food and drink and as the venue is 90 minutes away, thought it would be nice to all have complimentary drinks and stay over. My husband doesn't want to. He's offered to drive - he really enjoys a drink and this will be hard for him particularly as it's free - and it won't be the same for him. It's not the money, he gets on well with DB/SIL, he just wants to get home. It gets me down as he never wants to see anyone including family and is happy to stay in drinking and watching TV.
He doesn't talk to me much either! Sorry to go on but it's becoming a steady pattern of him not wanting to do things with other people. He does have a demanding job. Thought I'd mentioned hotel idea but he says I hadn't. Feel
embarrassed telling DB as he'd sourced hotel and can tell they wanted to make a night of it. This is a longish line of him not wanting to mix with people and it's making me resentful and miserable.

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 28/02/2013 20:21

What if you get arsy with him and insist he goes with you? Perhaps he doesn't realise how hes letting you down.

Other than that, I'd go on my own. My DH is a bit like this and I sympathise with you. I end up doing so much on my own, as its easier than the hassle of getting him organised to go somewhere. But instead of staying in drinking, he likes to "work on his car"...

Ullena · 28/02/2013 20:38

I'd sit down and ask him what the matter is, tbh. It isn't good for him to just retreat into himself, and it isn't fair on those that care about him. Tell him you want one night or day each month where the two of you spend some time together socialising in some way, even if it's just a trip to the cinema, or a walk in a country park. Hopefully you can build from there to bigger things.

Or just go out without him, if there is something you really want to do and he isn't interested.

pregnantpause · 28/02/2013 20:42

My Dh is unsociable. Always has been. having DC gave him the biggest gift in getting to use them as an excuse not to go out. I'd go alone. I went to my dads 60th with all the family including dhs brother and left the miserable sod at home. Go with your DB alone, Dh will only make you uncomfortable, noone can relax knowing there's a time frame and a sober person watching. It'll be no fun for him either. He can pick you up the next daySmile

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 20:43

When I was suffering from depression one of the earliset signs was me not wanting to go out and see people. I had no energy, was down on myself, and thought other people would be too.

It might be worth thinking about this.

The drinking sounds like it might be a problem too. Some people drink to deal with depression, then alcohol is a depressant too

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 20:43

earliest

Blackberryinoperative · 28/02/2013 20:45

Call his bluff and go on your own or take a friend. Miserable sod.

squeakytoy · 28/02/2013 20:45

I have a husband who can be like this.. take a mate, and enjoy yourself. He will stay in with the remote control at his disposal and unlimited beers, and no need to talk to anyone, so its a win win situation for you both.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 20:47

People can be miserable because they feel miserable. Not because they are sods. Just saying.

Must be frustrating for you though, OP. Hope he'll talk to you.

livinginwonderland · 28/02/2013 20:48

i'd be worried if he hasn't always been like this. becoming withdrawn and down is a major sign of depression - and the drinking at home (alone) is also a really bad sign. you say he's busy with work, but are you sure that's all it is? i don't want to worry you, but if he used to be more outgoing/social, there may be something more to it than just being a homebody.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 20:50

Symptoms of depression

Prolonged stress can result in depression

Original poster
pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 20:54

It had crossed my mind he could be depressed and said so to him a few weeks ago but he's of the doesn't do mental health mentality. His attitude just puts such a dampener on things - he works weekends from August-April so an event like this is a rarity we could do together. Wouldn't like him to stay over under duress as I'd feel uncomfortable and wouldn't risk him complaining the following day.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 21:01

If he is depressed he may find it hard to acknowledge. It can be hard for anyone, especially, IMO, men to acknowledge they aren't "coping", are "failing".

It sounds very hard to tackle if he is of a black and white mentality normally. My dad has suffered and I think what helped him was to see it very much as a physical illness with physical treatment. Could you wave the NHS article in front of him, OP?

Also, is he irritable and angry with you?

Original poster
pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 21:10

Thanks for the link and advice Jamie. Yes, he does get irritable and angry with me quite a lot. He's very short tempered. He has lots of good points; honest, hard working, generous, good father but his anger is an issue. Got worse as he's got older. He's a lot better when he's on days off and not working (my friend pointed this out). His and my parents (both sadly deceased) said to me they didn't like the way he talked to me. He's up and down really.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 21:13

I really feel for you. If he's drinking, talking being irritable and speaking to you aggressively, then that is an issue he must address for your sake, the sake of your children, who must see how he is, as well as his own.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 21:14

sorry, bad typing above. You get the gist.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 21:15

The difficult thing, and it comes up on here a lot, is when this is tipping over into abusiveness.

AmberLeaf · 28/02/2013 21:21

So he's always been like this?

I was going to suggest not driving there and getting a train/cabs? if that's an option and if him having to drive and not being able to drink was the issue?

Original poster
pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 21:25

My son's away at uni and he's well aware of his Dad's short temper. They get on but aren't as close as I'd like them to be. My 14 year old daughter and Dad have a good relationship but she complains of his anger. Don't know how to address it as DH bottles things up and doesn't talk about or do emotions. He wouldn't do counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 21:33

Amber, issue is he doesn't want to socialise with friends/family. He's never liked family gatherings really. He used to be more sociable. Just feel now children are older it would be our time to see friends etc more. The race trip just brought home how he's become. Something I was looking forward to gets spoilt for no reason.

OP posts:
Southeastdweller · 28/02/2013 21:37

I wonder if he's asking on more extra work now, and is maybe having some job insecurities?

Original poster
pineapplecrush · 28/02/2013 21:53

He's worked for company for 15 years and is highly thought of I would say. It is pressurised work with long hours and I know he finds it harder to cope now he's getting older.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/02/2013 22:10

Just go without him. Have fun.

Poppet48 · 01/03/2013 03:38

I would definitely think about depression, I suffered with this and you withdraw yourself so much that you just do not find anything enjoyable anymore, It's awful so please speak to him about this.

As for not wanting to stay, Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. Communication solves a lot of problems and when you're feeling down talking is the best thing for it.

LadyPessaryPam · 01/03/2013 07:30

How do you get a man who doesn't do MH problems to open up to the possibility that they might be depressed? I would not know where to start on this one.

Original poster
pineapplecrush · 01/03/2013 18:51

I will try and talk to him about it, just need to choose the moment carefully. Will keep you posted.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread