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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that my tutor was inappropriate

49 replies

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 17:19

Not sure if I'm just being sensitive as I've had quite a bad day, or if my university tutor was being an arse and total inappropriate. I suspect the later as I got quite upset and I'm still shaken by it.

After a lecture today

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Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 17:51

@me so funny, he didn't say prostitute, but prostitution

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Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 17:53

Should I tell the course leader?

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Viviennemary · 28/02/2013 17:54

I've never heard of people thinking that therapists or personal trainers were anything other than that. I don't think I would confront him about it. Why not ask to see a student counsellor and see what they have to say about this. You needn't even mention names if you would rather not. And you can be sure that will be treated as confidential.

Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 17:58

That sound like a good idea Vivienne

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DukeSilver · 28/02/2013 18:04

What a git. Yes, he was inappropriate.

I'm a complementary therpaist (massage, reflexology, aromatherapy etc) and unfortunately it is a common joke which some idiots seem to think is true. All my colleagues and I have had contact from people thinking we were prostitutes. It is nothing to do with how you dress or anything (we all wear uniforms similar to what beauticians wear). Some people are just dicks.

elfycat · 28/02/2013 18:09

I know therapists who have been asked for 'extras'. One used to reply that she was pretty good at dialling 999 if that's what he meant, or would he like the aromatherapy masage?

There have been instances of prostitutes getting therapy qualifications (usually massage or other physical type things) and being able to advertise through these mediums. I know of 'massage parlours' that have been shut down because that's not ALL they are.

I'm a complementary therapist and haven't come up against it yet but do have responses ready, just in case.

So maybe in HIS personal experience this might be what a personal trainer is, but it wouldn't be my first thought if someone told me this was their job. I'd raise it with his boss how disappointing you found this reply of his and perhaps a bit of retraining might be in order.

EllenParsons · 28/02/2013 18:12

What the actual fuck

The tutor is inappropriate op and weird. I don't think anyone would really think that about your job. What an arse. Good luck with retraining x

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 28/02/2013 18:19

What a bufoon. Just to reassure you, the thought that a personal trainer might be an undercover prostitue has never, in a million years, ocurred to me.

Take it this oaf isn't a gym bunny ?

EarlyInTheMorning · 28/02/2013 18:21

No one thinks that really
just him

Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 18:24

It's sad to hear that therapists have to deal with this also. The funny or not so funny thing, is that I never heard anything like that over the last 15 years working as a personal trainer from clients, and to hear it from a tutor at university is sickening

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Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 18:25

I wonder if he would think the same of a male student working as a personal trainer.

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RevoltingPeasant · 28/02/2013 18:30

OP I am a university lecturer in my early 30s and have (I think) a pretty good rapport with my students, and often make slightly close-to-the-bone jokes with them.

I would never say anything like this. As a tutor, you're in a comparative position of power and making someone feel personally embarrassed is a total no-no. You can also tell if someone feels uncomfortable and you immediately make sure they are okay.

Your tutor does sound like a bit of a weirdo. If I were you, I think I'd write him an email and say something like, 'I've been thinking about the careers advice you were giving me after the lecture. I was a bit confused about the point that other people might not understand the nature of my experience as a PT. Please could you expand?'

The thing about that is, it's in writing so he has to be careful. It is also totally nice and non-confrontational but will make him realise he can't speak to you like that. You can also talk to the harassment officer at your SU but if it were me, I'd want to politely let me know I knew what he'd said wasn't okay.

RevoltingPeasant · 28/02/2013 18:31

You could also talk confidentially to the module leader and then if your marks suffer alert them to this fact. Your tutor will not be solely responsible for marking your work - it will be moderated/ sent to an external etc - and if you are worried you can specifically request for your work to be 2nd marked to counteract any unfair marking practices on his part.

Good luck!

MrsKoala · 28/02/2013 18:45

Well I suppose personal trainer and prostitute do start with the same letter...and...erm...help you 'firm up'

But, no, I've never heard this before. I used to work as a receptionist at a beauty salon and some of the requests we had were really off the mark. I mean seriously, a proper salon full of female clients having nails and hair done and waxing etc and some prick would ask for a wank? Or to look at the therapists first before they choose which one to have. I learned quickly that 'no, we don't offer 'happy endings'.

Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 18:46

@revoltingpeasant I wonder if I could just chat to the course leader, but ask him not to do anything about it, but just so that he is aware?

I understand that coursework gets marked again by an external examiner, but I would still rather not be on bad terms with the lecturer. With my course being oriented towards gaining a professional qualification, we get the same tutors on various modules over the years. On recent 2 pieces of coursework marked by him I had marks of over 75% I work hard, and don't want to spoil it all. I guess if a tutor decides to mark 68 instead of 70% it won't be disputed by an external examiner but it will make a difference on my degree.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/02/2013 18:50

I agree you should chat to the course leader.

I think that's a really inappropriate 'joke', and if he meant it harmlessly, he needs to know he's got it wrong. So the course leader should be able to say they've had complaints about his style of humour without saying what the complaint was exactly or who it was from.

anonymosity · 28/02/2013 19:39

I agree with LRD

Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 20:00

I don't want to drip feed, but I just realised that I forgot to add that he is also my personal tutor and will be for the next 2 years. Sorry I didn't mention this before, I never go to see him personally as I never need it, so far have only had group tutorials, so forgot about this. But now thinking about it, he is actually the person I should see if I have any issues

Off course I can go to the course leader, which is what I will do.

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Whocansay · 28/02/2013 20:04

I think he knew what he was saying and was seeing if you would be amenable to an 'offer'.

I would try and change him for another tutor asap. He sounds like a sleaze.

LessMissAbs · 28/02/2013 20:06

What an odd thing to say. Is he of an older age group, who does'nt understand what personal trainers are? Or does he maybe use prostitutes and porn a lot and over-estimate its prevalence?

I'd tell him off. I'd say to him, "you know that remark you made, where you suggested personal trainers were confused by some people as being sex workers, and it would put potential employers off? I think you need to realise that not everyone has such odd views as you, and it does make me question what your life experience has been when you come out with such bizarre statements".

Alterantively, do speak to the course leader about it, as he may have had similar complaints.

btw at age 30 with 15 years work experience behind you and the guts to retrain, I think you will find employers far more keen to employ you.

I think its sex discrimination, as I very much doubt he would have made that analogy to a man.

Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 20:28

Thank you for all the replies and confirming that I wasn't being unreasonable to be upset. I will speak with the course leader.

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Original poster

Goldchilled7up · 28/02/2013 20:51

Lessmiss I believe he must be in his late 40's not old

Thank you for the comment on being employable : )

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ConfusedPixie · 28/02/2013 20:58

I've heard it about therapists (my Mum is a holistic therapist, massage, aromatherapy and Indian head massage mainly) and when I tell people what she does I frequently hear jokes to that effect. But I've never heard that kind of 'joke' being directed towards personal trainer's

Good on you for deciding to talk to the course leader though. Definitely get it in writing too and write up what was said word-for-word (or as close as you can remember). University lecturers should be setting a good example, I worry about what he says to the younger students too actually!

simplesusan · 28/02/2013 21:06

I have a couple of friends who are personal trainers.
The thought of them being prostitutes is hilarious.
I think it shows more about him than you tbh.

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