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Original poster

To 'force' toddler DS to go with PILs

22 replies

SnowHOHOboarder · 28/02/2013 10:41

DS is 2, he used to regularly be taken out on Thursdays by PILs for a few hours so they could spend some 1-1 grandparent time with him. Then DS2 was born and FIL had an accident which meant that they didn't take DS for about 4 months. We've tried to resume the arrangement now FIL is better but DS is hysterical. He seems not to like them at all. The minute he sees them he gets really, really upset. Clinging to me and crying. Not just a typical toddler 'paddy' but proper sobbing Sad

They came for him this morning and I made him go. I strapped him into the car seat myself even though he went rigid and tried to stop me. I feel so bad but I don't know what to do. Apparently as soon as they're up the road he is 'fine' - that's what PILs tell me - they say if he continued to be upset they'd bring him back.

What do I do? If I don't send him I will really hurt PILs who adore him, if I do I feel like I'm hurting him. Or am I being pfb?

Btw he goes to nursery 2 days a week and is usually fine on drop off, although he does get a bit tearful now and again - although nothing on a scale with how he is with PILs.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowHOHOboarder · 28/02/2013 10:43

Just to add, the reason I sent him today was that I thought if I didn't he would be worse 'next time' but now I'm sat at home crying and waiting until 4 when he comes back and I'm not sure I can stand that again.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 28/02/2013 10:46

I wouldn't, personally. If he'd got to the point of being that upset, I'd have suggested I either go with them, we rearranged, or they came into play at home for a bit.

Even if he is fine as soon as they're up the road, he will remember getting distressed every time he sees them, and the cycle will continue.

How verbal is he? Is he able to explain what he is upset about?

Tailtwister · 28/02/2013 10:46

Sounds like a combination of the arrival of a sibling and getting out of the habit of going (both perfectly natural reactions). Can they GP's spend some time with him at your house or maybe you could go over for a bit? He probably just needs to get used to them again and might feel a bit put out leaving you with the baby.

I can understand how upsetting it must be for you OP. It's horrible when they're upset like this. If you can, I would just try to ease him into it gently and I'm sure he'll be fine again in no time.

Callisto · 28/02/2013 10:47

I wouldn't have done that, sorry. PIL feelings are not as important as your child's feelings and I would have come up with an excuse.

Why do they need 1-1 time with him anyway? Can't they just spend some time with you around until he is comfortable with them again?

INeverSaidThat · 28/02/2013 10:47

He might be fine. I would wait and see how it goes.

In theory, it is good for him, the PIL's and you.

Good luck.

littlewhitebag · 28/02/2013 10:48

This is probably just a phase and he will need time to readjust. I agree that it would be good for PIL to come to the house for a while just to establish the relationship. DS probably doesn't really remember them now.

galwaygirl · 28/02/2013 10:49

Hi, you poor thing - sounds awful. How was he before the break of 4 months? Did he seem to like them and was he happy to go?
I don't see why he really has to go when he is so upset, if you could ease him back in to spending time with them he might be happy to go with them eventually? Could you not start by having your PIL spend time with him at your house?
I would be prioritising not making him distraught over not upsetting adults who should be able to understand that he can't come if very upset. It doesn't seem like there's any urgent need for him to actually leave with them.

Lafaminute · 28/02/2013 10:49

I think it's an age thing too, both my children were utter wagons to their grandparents around that age - esp DD who is very close to them now.

galwaygirl · 28/02/2013 10:51

I have to agree with Callisto in that I don't see why they need to have 1-1 time and why that's more important than him being so upset.

Sugarice · 28/02/2013 10:51

Do they have a mobile on them?

Phone and make sure he has settled, I'm sure he's ok but it'll put your mind at rest.

BreadForMyBREADGUN · 28/02/2013 10:52

I wouldn't force it, no. It will likely make the situation worse, rather than improve it.
Agree with others who have said that PIL spending time at your house with him may be better and may reassure him. Could they take him out for a walk or something for half an hour to see how that goes, rather than having the battle of putting him in the car seat?

Original poster
SnowHOHOboarder · 28/02/2013 10:53

They have just rung to say they have arrived at theirs and he is happily playing in the garden. If not I would be over like a shot to get him. It seems it is literally just the parting from me which is upsetting him but I don't know how (or if) I should try to overcome this.

He is not verbal enough to explain what upsets him (he was 3 months prem) so not officially 2 until June.

I have to admit that I don't particularly 'gel' with my PILs, although they love my sons so I try not to show it. I wonder if DS can tell?

OP posts:
cantspel · 28/02/2013 10:54

It is very common for 2 year olds to supper from separation anxiety and when they say he settles after a couple of minutes it is most probably true.
My youngest used to scream blue murder when i left him at nursery but with in minutes he would be happy again.

larrygrylls · 28/02/2013 10:56

I would try and stay with the PIL for half an hour or so until he settles. Also make sure he takes his favourite toys/cuddlies and discuss it with him ahead of time so, at least on one level, he knows what is happening. Personally, if they are kind people and look after him well, I would not be dictated to by a 2 year old (I have one). Children do need to build up some resilience and, at two, spending a few hours with loving grandparents is not too much to expect.

If you start getting distressed, he will pick up on it and it will get worse.

Good luck.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 28/02/2013 10:57

DD is 18 months, and be like this sometimes with me.

I usually drop her off, and while she is distracted I sneak out of the door. Maybe you could try that for a while to see if that's less stressful for him?

Ulysses · 28/02/2013 11:00

I had this with my DD whenever I dropped her off at PILS, theirs as she used to go for a couple of hours every Friday. Within a minute of me leaving they always assured me she was fine. Like you, I felt horrible and that I was forcing her into it against her will, but that was just her personality at the time. Good to hear that he's doing well there now.

Moominsarescary · 28/02/2013 11:13

Ds3 is the same age and was 2 months prem. My mum has been taking him out in the afternoons for the past 3 weeks as I've just had a elcs and had problems with the scar.

He cried and was ridged in the car seat the first 3-4 days but has been happy to go since then and now waits at the door with his coat for nana to take him out. It's probably due to not having gone for a while and the new baby. Ds3 has pretty much stopped his day time nap since ds4 was born, and tantrums have started raising their ugly head.

Original poster
SnowHOHOboarder · 28/02/2013 12:19

Have spoken to DH who is at work and explained what's happened. I think we're going to try and spend more time with PILs all together to try and get DS accustomed to them again. Thanks to all who replied & to those who have experienced similar, it's a comfort to know its fairly common.

OP posts:
ilikemysleep · 28/02/2013 13:03

Crying on departure from parent followed by happy settling within a few minutes is a sign of secure attachment.
www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html
I suspect your PIL have changed from 'alternative primary carers' to 'secondary people' by the fact that the visits have been suspecnded for a while and his world has been rocked by the arrival of DS2.

For your own peace of mind, I might suggest that he have shorter visits for a while...10 til 4 does seem like a long time for you to be worrying!

BarbarianMum · 28/02/2013 13:15

If he's settling quickly once you are out of sight then I honestly wouldn't worry. Ds2 was like this for years and will still (age 5) sometimes get tearful at the moment I leave the house -even if its his adored dad looking after him. It's just the act of mummy walking away that triggers anxiety. Within a couple of minutes he'll be fine - he is also happy to go and play at friend's houses unaccompanied. If I waited for him to be outgrow this reaction I literally wouldn't have gone out once in the last 5 years.

Yfronts · 28/02/2013 13:21

can you attend the toddler group too but then slip out?

MyDarlingClementine · 28/02/2013 13:27

They do change in thier preferences. Also see how he is when he comes back - ie his normal happy self or a bit shell shocked.

Do you trust pils to give you honest feedback. Our dd went to pils and always cried etc, they said she was happy after we left but she was shell shocked and reserved when she came back. It would take about two days for her to be normal again.

We never had anyone to compare this too until last year when other relis spent time with her - and she would be happy to go and happy on return.

We also realised MIL would say anything to have her there even if dd was desperatly unhappy in thier prison home. Smile

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