For getting excited about and wanting to discuss future "happenings"?

[Billieta]

Partner and I have decided to buy a house together in 6 months time. When we first came up with this, he was quite into it, showing me mortgage calculations, looking on rightmove for ideas etc and now - nothing. He's bought and sold houses before, this is my first time and I'm so excited but I feel like I'm not "allowed" to talk about it as he always says stuff like "it's 6 months away, we have other stuff to think about before then". Which yes, we do - we have a big holiday, a big festival, various other bits and pieces but this "Buying a house" thing is a HUGE deal to me and I feel so shit that I can't talk about it. I also worry when he won't talk about it that he's getting cold feet on the idea (this has happened before). Should we be able to talk about it or is he right? 6 months is ages away and we need to concentrate on the present for now?

Another one is that my kids are going on holiday with their dad next year for a week meaning we are child-free for a week. I suggested we go for a romantic holiday to Italy just me and him. His initial reaction was "yes, let's do that". Now whenever I bring it up he's like "that's ages away, can't even think about that right now" or "why do you need an answer on that right now?" Would it hurt to look into it a little bit or AIBU?

I agree with your DH. I don't worry too much about stuff so far ahead. I'd agree the initial plan and timescale but wouldn't want to fill in the details until closer to the time. With the house it does make sense to decide on an area and likely budget but there's no point in looking seriously at too many house because you're not ready to buy yet and you'll only feel disappointed if you see one that you really like and it sells.

That's not to say you're actually being unreasonable to be excited and want to plan just that he's also being sensible :)

What do you mean by "it's happened before" that your DP got cold feet or that an ex or someone else did?

DP got cold feet last year. We discussed buying a house together, all was fine for a while and then he sprang it on me that he "wasn't ready" - after I'd got all excited about it.

This time he promises me it's what he wants and if I do bring it up he doesn't sound negative (like last night I said "when we move, can we get a piano??" and he said "yes of course, I'd love that" and when we were in shop a few days ago he caught me looking at cushions etc and said "you're dying to get started arnt you? in 6 months time, you can buy all the home furnishings you want" so really - I'm probably worrying over nothing but I'm one of those people that needs to discuss/analyse/plan etc etc. I have spreadsheets for gods sake :-D

Oh I see. Well I can understand why you're a bit worried it might come to nothing this time. He does sound like he's serious about moving in 6 months time though so I think in your shoes I'd discuss my plans with family / friends instead and then raise it with DP again when you're actually ready to start looking at houses and sorting out a mortgage. Try not to worry about his lack of enthusiasm at the moment as it is a good way off :)

YANBU. With the cold feet last year it's not surprising you're a little concerned his behaviour means a repeat of that. But it sounds like he's like this with other things too - intial excitement at a big new thing then wants to ignore it until right before it happens. While you like to think about and anticipate and plan.

I think it's a bit telling that the two of you have different approaches to big events but it's you that has to bend to doing things his way. I don't see why you can't tone things down a little and he can't indulge your excitement a little. If he's nice enough to buy a house with he should be nice enough to like the fact it makes you excited and happy.

Just wondering - do you do a lot more of the changing to fit in with him than he does to fit in with you?

Does he mean getting the actual keys of the new house in six months time, or just beginning the process of buying? If the former, then you do need to get started as it can take a while to buy. If the latter, then he should not be saying things like 'you can buy cushions in 6 months time' bacause you will only just be beginning your search, and probably not have an actual house to buy for. So I can see you are a bit worried/frustrated as he is perhaps not clear with the timescales involved.

I don't think that looking forward to a future event is a bad thing either- he sounds a little bit of a wet blanket TBH. YANBU.

YANBU - some people like to plan ahead and some people like to live in the moment or leave things until the last minute. There's nothing wrong with talking about things and planning and looking ahead and getting excited, but if he's not like that he never will be.