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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my dp to help with housework

17 replies

Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 01:49

I need other peoples opinions please.

Situation: me on maternity with 4 month old ( back to work in july), oh works nights 5 nights a week.

I currently do the majority of the housework and " house running" ie looking after finances cooking mealplanning as well as dealing with estate agents and solicitors regarding a house purchase.

He does feed the cat and take bins out and the washing up for a few days when i ask for help ( but it doesn't last longer than a week.

He does always thank me for the work i do

Aibu to expect him to actually help rather than just say thanks

His excuse is that i'm not at work and he's tired due to nights

I used to do it all before and whilst i was pregnant originally to make it easier for him when he started nights

Petty i know but its may cause problems in future as i hate nagging but let it all build up inside

Thanks everyone in advance

OP posts:
LuisGarcia · 28/02/2013 01:52

He permanently works nights? What does he do the other 2 nights a week?

Original poster
Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 01:54

Forgot to mention he has sleep problems in that he can't sleep easily for more than 5-6 hours. I now regulary get 8-10 with a feeling break in the middle due to currently having an easy baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 01:56

He tries to sleep when i sleep so we can spend time together/ play with lo

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2013 01:56

He is not helping you. He is an adult who should look after the home he lives in and the family he loves. I cannot understand having one person who does all the house stuff. If he lived alone, he would have to do dishes, cleaning and laundry. Why does he get a house elf because he reproduces?

Original poster
Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 01:56

*feeding break

OP posts:
LuisGarcia · 28/02/2013 02:03

He tries to sleep when i sleep so we can spend time together/ play with lo

If he is on permanent night shifts then this is silly. He's trying to shift his body clock by 12 hours every few days, so it's no wonder he struggles to sleep. He should spend his weekend "days" meal planning, ALL the housework, emailing solicitors etc while you sleep, then sleep and then have a few hours with you and lo in his "morning"

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2013 03:00

Not just being pedantic, but for as long as you and he refer to it as him 'helping' you, it is unstated but absolutely understood that the housework is your job and any 'help' he gives is merely a favour. So no wonder he lapses almost immediately, if he sees it as helping you out rather than as doing his share. so what if he works five nights a week? Does that involve more hours than 5 days a week? I doubt it. He needs to sort out his sleeping hours and just get on with it.

My father worked nights (one month of nights, one month of days pattern) for years, so I'm afraid I'm very unsympathetic to nightshifts being used as a get out of jail free card.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/02/2013 03:03

Presumably you are also waking multiple times per night, if you have a four month old?

Original poster
Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 06:00

Thankfully for about 2 months out of the 4 she only gets me up once pere night and straight down after a feed, hence why he feels i should do the other work. I suppose i've not helped myself by doing it for so long whereyouleftit i like your comment about it being his share rather than helping me maybe i can turn moving into our new house a fresh start

OP posts:
eltsihT · 28/02/2013 08:14

We moved house recently and my hubby has stepped up his help with housework. When we moved I wrote a chore board, and said this job needs to be done this day. I.e Monday dusting, Tuesday bathrooms, Wednesday floors, etc

I have a 2yo and am 6+months pregnant, so if I don't get the job done though the day hubby does it when he gets home.

Would never have worked before we moved but works brilliantly now,

Good luck!

Also on a side note my hubby used to leave a mess in the living room before he went to bed (orange peel left on the coffee table etc) so I started putting his mess in his dressing gown pockets, he soon stopped!

Locketjuice · 28/02/2013 08:19

I think if you are getting a full nights sleep and he is really tired, you do it!
Don't really see it as fair him exhausting himself and you not doing it just because 'he should help'

MoleyMick · 28/02/2013 09:05

My DH works nights too, and I think it really is exhausting. One of his days off he has the kids too (I work three days) but he still does a bit. I do the bulk of it, and to be honest, because he's not around for bedtime/breakfast etc most days, I would rather he spent decent time with dcs when he is home rather than do housework.
I do have v v low housekeeping standards though Grin which makes it easier!

someoftheabove · 28/02/2013 09:10

Me, too, MoleyMick on the housekeeping standards. Had lunch recently with my SIL and she was expressing shock that our MIL didn't Hoover once in a fortnight. When I didn't react at all (not realising I was also meant to be shocked), it was a little awkward.

redskyatnight · 28/02/2013 09:43

Does he share the childcare when he's at home (e.g. dressing, nappy changing, bathing, feeding (if you're not b/f that is))?
Because if yes, and you have an easy baby and he works nights, I think it's fair enough for you to do the bulk of the housework (how much housework does 2 adults and a young baby generate?)
If he just sits at home and never lifts a finger you have a point :)

perhaps suggest certain "tasks" you'd like him to do - e.g. can he cook on his days off?

Fairenuff · 28/02/2013 09:58

Maternity leave is not a holiday. Your extended time off from work is to care for your new baby. Not to do housework.

What did you do when you both worked and had no children? Was it split fairly evenly then? If so, go back to that as you both have responsibilities alongside the housework.

If not then you have already established the fact that, in your relationship, housework is womens work and even if you go out to work, it is still primarily your responsibility to shop, cook, clean, etc.

If you want to change that you wil have to discuss it with your dh. Blank piece of paper. Work out together what jobs need doing and when. Divide them up fairly evenly. If he won't agree to that then you know what kind of man you have married.

Original poster
Thinkmummy · 28/02/2013 11:28

I did majority of housework before when he started nights about a year ago but he still cooked occasionally and helped me clean at the weekend. Which was fine before baby arrived but looking after a baby is more exhausting than office work that i've stopped until July. Childcare wise he keep her entertained but rarely changes her nappy about once a week. He can't feed her as i bf .

Think i've set myself up by happily doing all the work before lo arrived

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/02/2013 11:41

It will change if you want it to. If you wait for him to offer, it won't. It's up to you.

But you will have to stop saying that he 'helps' you.

Why was it automatically your job and he was the helper (other than the fact that you're female)?

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