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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with dh or am I over reacting?

94 replies

RattyRoland · 27/02/2013 22:58

I'm going to return to work part time. At the moment all bills are split roughly 50:50 dh and I (I'm currently full time).

Dh earns more than me. I suggested to dh that we could continue paying our bills etc 50:50 but that as I'll be part time he and I would share my loss of earnings equally, I.e if I'm earning £500pcm less than before, he pays me £250 and so we're both £250 less well off.

Dh was up in arms at this suggestion and said he had assumed we'd carry on paying half the bills each, as well as the part-time nursery fees, leaving me with a lot less income and him a lot more. Aibu? I feel he's been really unfair about this, he can easily afford to make up half my loss of earnings, I'm not money grabbing and we both want me to look after ds on my days off, its just I don't see that I should have next to no money and him keep all his earnings...

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 27/02/2013 23:12

If you earn 40% of the total income and he 60%, then you add up all expenses and you contribute 40% of them and he 60%.

Is he unhappy at you returning to work ft?

Ask him, if he insists on 50/50, what he suggests doing should he lose his job or get in a position where he was unable to contribute 50%. His response will be pretty telling.

merrymouse · 27/02/2013 23:16

I think the clue is in the 'h'.

You are married. Money is shared.

(Or alternatively, you could charge him for childcare).

Owllady · 27/02/2013 23:17

it's financial abuse imo
sorry

have you discussed you going part time?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2013 02:08

" It was a mutual decision for me to go part time."
And yet he still expects you to cover 50% of the bills? Words fail me.

We work our finances VERY differently. All income goes to the joint account. All family expenses are met from the joint account. (Toys for DCs are most definitely a family expense.) We both also have standing orders that transfer money from the joint account to our sole accounts. We both get the same amount of personal money. DH's income far outstrips mine at the moment, but that is honestly irrelevant. We are one financial unit, not two separate ones. Your DH needs to rethink his attitude to money. You are not his flatmate, and your JOINT DC are his financial responsibility too (and that includes toys).

Sorry to keep mentioning the toys, but it just seems like such an indicator of attitudes to me, that what little you have you spend on the DC whilst he spends only on himself. Sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/02/2013 02:43

I don't understand how people can be married and not trust each other enough to share their money.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2013 04:48

Jamie I'd go one further. I can't understand how people are married and can spend 'their' money while the other person has less and suffers.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/02/2013 05:40

I knew a couple who had their own money, wife used to grumble at the weekends when her husband could afford to go out and she couldn't! Shock

EMS23 · 28/02/2013 06:15

I don't get this either. My DH and I only have one account - our account.

From reading on MN and amongst my friends, it seems we're in the minority though but thank goodness because I'd hate it to be any other way. Over the years, we've both had periods of time where one of us has been out of work for whatever reason - I can't imagine having to worry about proportional inputs to the family income etc during those times.

OP - I guess my way wouldn't suit you, it's a big leap from your current set up but certainly YANBU and your DH needs to adjust his expectations. I liked a PP's idea about asking him what would happen to his 50:50 idea if he was the one earning less/ not earning at all.

Possiblyoutedled · 28/02/2013 06:34

I disagree about there having to be a joint account tbh.
I'd hate not to have my own account but we both pay into a bill account to cover household stuff then any left over money stays in our personal accounts. He sorts the car I usually sort out the kids stuff eg clothes and activities. If one if us is running out or has a particularly big expense then the other will help out, it's called being concerned about the other person enjoying life as well.
Oh and since I had dd2 and went part time he pays more into the bill account and I pay less.
Have you talked to him yet op. maybe you should point out who is caring for his child whilst he ears his extra booty.

overmydeadbody · 28/02/2013 06:39

He is being unreasonable.

Each of you should be paying the same percent of your income on bills. Or, as you said, he pays an etra £250.

He is being very selfish

overmydeadbody · 28/02/2013 06:42

MrsTerryPratchet I don't get that either.

Although PD and I have seperate accounts, we each contribute 40% of our income to bills. DP earns more than me and his disposable income he spends on all of us, not just him.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2013 06:49

"I don't understand how people can be married and not trust each other enough to share their money."

Exactly. OH's money and my money is our money. It all goes into one pot and everything gets paid from that pot. We also have separate savings accounts and the money for those also comes out of the joint account. I don't understand the "his money" and "her money" scenario between married couples.

OrangeLily · 28/02/2013 07:02

Shock How has this happened?

You earn less
You pay out more
You pay for all your kids stuff??

WTF

And now he wants you to have even less for yourself.

If it helps the way we split money is we have our own accounts, a joint account too. We both pay equal money in to joint account to pay for bills inc. mortgage and food.

I earn slightly more in a month so I pay that extra in to savings which are spent on us. I don't get things like a bonus but DH does. Again that's considered to be joint money but I do always make sure he gets something nice out of that like a jacket or a bit of tech he wants. He isn't fussed about this though.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 28/02/2013 07:03

Wat Jamie, Myheadinthesand et al said. I don't get all the splitting of bills, his and my money etc. in committed relationships where the partners have children together, may own property together, may be married - aren't those things bigger commitments than pooling the family income?

Dh and I have one joint current account and joint savings accounts. We check with each other before big purchases - I manage the family budget and know roughly what's in the account at any one time so I do expect dh to check with me when he wants to spend a substantial amount - but otherwise we are both free to do what we want with the money that's available, after essentials, savings and dc's needs have been covered. I ditched my own current account and had myself put on his a few years into our marriage. We have complete trust in each other in financial matters and I can't imagine either of us being financially abusive - but isn't that the way it ideally should be in a committed relationship?

OP, YANBU and your dh is being odd about this.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 28/02/2013 07:03

What they said, of course.

ZenNudist · 28/02/2013 07:10

Your dh is being selfish. Does he pay for big expenditure - cars, holidays, jewellery ?

I hope you can set him right on this. Why not open some savings accounts you can both access as well as redressing the balance so you both have equal spends each month after buying dc essentials.

ChasedByBees · 28/02/2013 07:14

YA obviously NBU. Could you run through a hypothetical scenario and say as you'll have not enough money to live on a day to day basis, you'll have to go back to work full time and you'll both have increased childcare costs? Try and demonstrate that his idea is not logical?

Although why he thinks its fair to have more money than you and for you to spend more - I think your problems are bigger than this.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 28/02/2013 07:16

If he's not willing to totally revamp the family finances, then I strongly suggest that you not cut your hours to PT. Instead, you need to start socking away money so you can be financially secure should this go the way I think it may ultimately go....

MrsKeithRichards · 28/02/2013 07:17

We only have one account too. I have never understood all this faff about separate spends. It all goes in one, the amount for bills is there and the rest for spending.

Iaintdunnuffink · 28/02/2013 07:26

Yanbu. However finances is handled that is not fair. I would not be going part time if that's his attitude, I would also be making sure that he also pays 50% of the children's clothes, toys, any days out or clubs.

jackstini · 28/02/2013 07:38

YANBU
We have a joint account, all goes in, bills go out, some to savings, we both spend out of the rest, checking for big purchases.

DH went part time when kids were born so earns much less and we felt it fairer this way.

There is another way.
How many hours are you working? How many out of a full time week is childcare. Charge him for the childcare!

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2013 07:38

Don't go part time while you are still married to this wanker.

GirlOutNumbered · 28/02/2013 07:43

We have separate bank accounts and one joint for the bills and mortgage.
I don't want to pay all my money into a pot, I enjoy wasting my money on shoes and pointless things.

clam · 28/02/2013 07:47

I too am staggered at this "he pays, I pay" stuff between a married couple where there are no debt/serious over-spending issues. Family income, joint account.
Otherwise you're just going to have to bill him for a top-quality nanny's wages for the 2.5 days a week you're caring for his child. And make sure you clock off the minute he gets home and split the chores from then on.
Don't want to live like that? Then set him straight on his appalling attitude to his wife and family.

Baroozer · 28/02/2013 08:02

Is there any way he would consider a family pot of money? You never know, he might not be doing himself a favour by insisting on this if he loses his own job.

If he is going to be a selfish prat about this and he isn't going to change, you should charge him. Someone has worked out how much a SAHP is "worth" if you add up all the tasks that get done.

tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/stay-at-home-mom-cost1.htm

I'm a SAHM and my husband has a well-paid job. When we were looking into life insurance it turned out that my monthly death-wage was only slightly less than my husband's, which was calculated so that we could maintain our standard of living. So if he was worth £2000/month dead, I was worth £1900/month.