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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse nursery's request for a dummy?

91 replies

WillowB · 27/02/2013 20:49

10 month old DS started nursery 2 days a week a few weeks ago. So far so good apart from the odd wobble easily solved with a few cuddles...until yesterday. When I collected him his key worker told me that he had refused to nap & cried when they tried to put him in his cot. She followed this up by telling me that later in the day he had managed to get hold of another child's dummy 'which he really seemed to enjoy' Hmm

DH collected him today & they'd had the same problem. Protested every time they put him down so ended up having two very brief naps. Key worker specifically asked if we would send a dummy & has also written this in his diary.

I'm really reluctant to send one as although DS had one for naps when he was tiny, I weaned him off it at 6 months once he could self settle & he doesn't have it now unless its an emergency situation e.g poorly/ wakes screaming in the middle of the night/has a major meltdown in.
I feel it's a bit cheeky of them ask really. What do they do with the babies that have never taken a dummy? My biggest concern is that they won't limit it just to nap time & he will sit there most of the day plugged in (this seems the case with some of the other babies). However I don't want to fall out with them & realise that they have no other means of getting him to sleep (hates being patted or rocked etc).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/02/2013 21:15

If he won't be rocked or patted and he is getting upset trying to go to sleep then what do you expect the nursery to do then? remembering that they have other children who also need attention and help to get to sleep

Viviennemary · 27/02/2013 21:18

I'd just let him have the dummy tbh. As a short term thing. But of course it's up to you.

CunfuddledAlways · 27/02/2013 21:18

i would not have given it at home if you are trying to get him it to give up...

but as you do give it to him then i dont know how else you expect nursery to get him to sleep?? they cant just leave him to cry as it will wake other sleeping babies

NumericalMum · 27/02/2013 21:20

I thought YWNBU until I realise you use one at home! YABU if he has one at home ever! A good nursery will know all the tricks for getting babies to sleep so I would guess they have tried everything else!

My DC never napped much at nursery. She had no dummy it they could rock her in a bouncy chair!

BrainDeadMama · 27/02/2013 21:21

I agree with others that your DS seems to need as a familiar comfort at nursery. Maybe when he is more settled there they could lessen its use as you have at home? Or perhaps you could specifically request it to be only used a last resort?

indahouse · 27/02/2013 21:21

YABU
You do resort to dummies but expect strangers in unfamiliar, noisy environment to refrain? I would do wathever it takes to make this difficult transition easier. Stress and lack of sleep will cause more damage than a dummy.

BrainDeadMama · 27/02/2013 21:22

seems to need the dummy I meant to say!

Skyebluesapphire · 27/02/2013 21:22

I was going to say YANBU until I realised that you do use one at home. If he is in a new environment then he probably needs the comfort of the dummy so yes I think YABU on reflection. Sorry. Grin

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 27/02/2013 21:24

My 10mo dd has a similar dummy set-up. We don't use it in the day at all but she has it at night time and if she is particularly upset (been struggling with teething and earache recently).
I would send the dummy in and say it is just for naptimes. I couldn't stand the thought of my baby being upset and inconsolable in a strange environment, all tired and wanting mummy to come and comfort her. I'm a bit soft though...
I also think it is a bit much to expect the nursery to do your dummy-weaning.

FannyBazaar · 27/02/2013 21:25

NHS website suggests 'Stop giving them the dummy when they're between 6 and 12 months old.' here as for someone else's dummy Shock Yuck! Bleugh!! dummies crawling with germs.

mamapants · 27/02/2013 21:26

I don't think the nursery is being unreasonable. Your little one has been upset, they've seen that a dummy does offer comfort so it makes sense.
Perhaps the other babies who have one constantly are like that at home and need one all the time.
In terms of what they would do with a baby who didn't have a dummy they would have to ask the parent what works for them. My LO doesn't have a dummy and never did and he wouldn't know what to do with it so no help he does however sleep well in his sling - if someone was looking after him for me I'd gibe them the sling as I would want him to have his sleep.

Megatron · 27/02/2013 21:27

YABU. If he does not like to be comforted by being rocked or patted etc why on earth would you not wish him to be comforted in a familiar way by a dummy? He's still very young and you do use one at home. What are your expectations of the nursery staff on how to comfort him if he's in a state?

MalkieFraser · 27/02/2013 21:30

My eldest got a boob in her mouth for naps or when she was upset - until I went back to work when she was 9 months. She was with caregivers in a different environment and quickly allowed herself to be soothed and learnt to nap in other ways. So no, YANBU

BimbaBirba · 27/02/2013 21:30

My DS is also settling in at nursery and I so wish he would take a dummy at least he would go to sleep and find comfort. Incidentally he's never wanted one but I see this as a disadvantage actually.
What exactly is the problem with having a dummy? So what, even if in the worst case scenario, he starts wanting it more at home?
I don't get this ridiculous pfb obsession with dummies being a bad habit. And what exactly do you expect the nursery staff to do to soothe him if he doesn't want anything else.
YAB massively U

Original poster
WillowB · 27/02/2013 21:32

Yes I do use one at home but not on a regular basis & def not for naps which is essentially why I feel like I'm over a barrel.
Anyway I hear ya. I'm going to have to send one aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/02/2013 21:33

id let him have one if he finds it a comfort at nursery tbh.

McNewPants2013 · 27/02/2013 21:35

Yabu, he needs this dummy for comfort.

I think it is unfair on the nursey staff to be dealing with a screaming baby when the simple solition in a dummy.

DonderandBlitzen · 27/02/2013 21:37

If it helped my child settle and be happy and get enough sleep then i would definitely send one in. For them to be asking so persistently for one he must have been getting quite upset.

Original poster
WillowB · 27/02/2013 21:37

The exact problem with dummies is that when they are overused they can cause speech problems and language delay and damage teeth. I speak from experience as an early yrs teacher who has worked with many children with problems caused by unlimited dummy use. Not that I am suggesting for a minute that most parents are not savvy enough to prevent this happening. It has however probably made me slightly paranoid about DS becoming dependent on a dummy though. I was hoping to get rid altogether by the time he's a year hence I want him to use it less not more.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/02/2013 21:39

Then you need to stop it at home and you need to 'teach' him how to self settle. To let him have it in the comfort of home and not in a new scary place is unfair and confusing for him.

Nobody is saying leave him with the dummy in his mouth all day, but for them to have it to use so he can get proper rest during the day is surely better than having an overtired, grumpy child?

CunfuddledAlways · 27/02/2013 21:44

if you are that worried why did you give him one in the first place??

why bother if you where going to wean him off it?? then he may have found another way to self settle - you either need to drop the dummy completely or send it to nursery

gillian88 · 27/02/2013 21:45

I think YABU. He's only 10 months, he knows what a dummy is and knows he likes it, yet sees other babies surrounding him with dummies and he's not allowed one. He doesn't understand that he's only allowed in 'in emergencies'

DIYapprentice · 27/02/2013 21:46

Either stop using it at all, or send it in with him. You can't have the best of all worlds you know.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 27/02/2013 21:46

I'd let him have it at nursery tbh. Him not sleeping there is only going to spill over to home life if he's overtired unable to settle and you will need dummy even more in both settings. Either get rid completely or let nursery have one.

LolloRosso · 27/02/2013 21:47

YANBU. You should ask the nursery to do whatever you do at home, as far as possible. Clearly you don't use a dummy at home during the day. Yes, he will need more comfort whilst settling in and it will be tricky if he doesn't like rocked/patted etc but if you can give the nursery an idea of one thing they CAN do to help your son, that would be better than going against your instincts which you will only resent. Does he like singing to sleep, for example, or swaddled in a blanket or something else?
TBH I would have reservations about a nursery that told me they had offered another child's dummy when you'd either not provided one or told them you wouldn't be providing one, and if you saw children with dummies in a lot when you were there I think that could be a sign of laziness on the part of the nursery staff, but only you will know that from observation etc.

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