to be sad about how society has made us worry?

[joanne1982uk]

after reading a thread on the relationships board yesterday about being worried about a new man around kids it got me thinking.

This isnt having a go at the poster of the topic i was reading as I'm just as guilty as it as other people. Why do we automatically assume there is something dodgy about men especially older men being friendly/affectionate with kids?

Is it the media who have been ramming it down our throats about there being peados on every street corner or the recent high profile case like saville even though technically he isnt a peado i cant remember the term for he was described as. Im sure there arent more of them out there then when i was a little girl but i suppose 24 news and social media add to this.

It just saddens me that some people just love kids and love talking to them and having a cuddle etc but because of an evil minority people just dont trust the majority.

I know this is a bit of a blanket statement but it does make me sad.

Well I think there are two extremes here and neither are good.

Years ago I think people may have been far too trusting about who they allowed into their homes to spend time with their kids...like lodgers/priests/distant family members. I don't know if people were just far too trusting or if it was because abuse was often swept under the carpet, leading many people to think it never really happened.

Fast forward to now, and there are some people who are just absolutely hysterical with it all...to the extent they'll think any man who smiles at their child on a bus, may be having sexual thoughts.

It's all about striking a sensible balance and I don't think the media particularly help with that.

Very sad but oh so true, my fella went to ice cream van last eve and was gone an age , asked why it took him so long he told me a little girl did not have enough money for what she wanted so asked the price of practically everything on van till she found sweets she could afford and wanted , he said years ago he would have simply paid for the little girls 1st choice and got on with his purchase ,not now! he avoids any social niceties /unwarrented interaction with small people not known to our family for fear of what you said >sad days indeed !

On the plus side, children who now disclose abuse are believed and helped, their abusers charged and monitored instead of them using the culture of silence to continue their abuse.

I think some men feeling uncomfortable in some situations is a small price to pay for that, TBH.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Media coverage has certainly created a level of inappropriate hysteria. Stranger abduction/sexual assault is very rare indeed. The vast majority of abuse takes place in the family and community context, committed by people well known to the child and in a position of trust.

Knowing what I know about how many registered sex offenders there are in my area I think it's a very good idea to be very careful about who we entrust our children with. Abusers don't come with a flashing neon sign above their heads. They are often very likeable.

It just requires a level head and common sense to find the balance. So, for example, if my child was trying to buy an icecream, was short of the money and a strange bloke offered to buy it for her, I would think "how sweet" rather than "he must be a sex offender". But I wouldn't be allowing my child to go off alone somewhere with that same man until I knew a lot more about him and had observed him with my child (and preferably others) on many more occasions. Surely that's just normal, common sense parenting? Sexual abuse is just one of the many harms that can befall children if we let them be cared for by unsuitable adults.

The fact that people think twice before trusting someone with there DC's makes me very happy. I am greatly annoyed by those that refuse to believe the level of pedophilia that goes on in this world.

The guy in that thread sounded horrible and disturbing though. The poster wasn't talking about a friendly older man and being paranoid, she was asking about an intense dislike and feeling of worry regarding her DC and a man who has exhibited worrying behaviour towards members of her family. It sounded horrible, I say that as someone who allows my DC to accept sweets from strangers on the tube and on buses (my DC are particularly adorable and this has happened a few times ).

But some people are terrifyingly paranoid about strangers

But if the media aren't making up the crimes they are reporting on then it is knowledge of actual crimes that leads to the paranoia - it's the fact that it has, does and will continue to happen and you do all you can to make sure it doesn't happen on your watch.

I blame the pedophiles for causing the situation of fear - we just know more about what happens now so it's natural as a parent to keep your defences up.

dials i wasnt implying that the OP in that thread was been paranoid I know there were other reasons why she didnt like or trust him.

Im just talking about a general attitude. It makes me sad that my father, DP or DS might one day be looked at in that way just for being male.

There have been some good points though in here and i agree there should be a middle ground. Have you like me heard people say something like "i wouldnt trust him he looks like a peado"? its such an awful to hear. Should people have to look a certain way to be able to talk to or play with kids that arent there own?

"i wouldnt trust him he looks like a peado"

This ^ is the problem - as Esther said re Jimmy Saville, its not monsters that get close to children its nice men!

Stranger abduction/sexual assault is very rare indeed. The vast majority of abuse takes place in the family and community context, committed by people well known to the child and in a position of trust.

The problem is that abusers push themselves into a child's life and the community, as you know Dahlen.

There are to many parents who think that because they have known someone for a few weeks, it qualifies the person as a family friend/neighbour.

That is the problem with the statisic around abuse, it normally isn't commited by complete strangers, but the person isn't or hasn't been known to the child long enough to be called a family friend, or even sometimes a relative,in the case of the brother of the step dad, for example.

Is it the media who have been ramming it down our throats about there being peados on every street corner

I don't agree that it is, we are just now well informed around abuse and how many offenders are in our society. If that keeps a child safe, then that is all that matters.

I, personally have always wondered why, there isn't more of a reaction from male groups, when sexual behaviour towards children is tried to be justified/normalised, the same with rape and violence, tbh.

In answer though OP, "society" hasn't made us worry, the amount of child abuse has and the fact that such small sentences are handed out.

The fact that there are people who want to have sex with children, the CPS unwillingness to take on cases, etc, should make you sad, not parents and "society", being protective.