To not really know how to support my ds through this?

[LadyApricot]

My 12 yr old boy is going to his first funeral tomorrow, his school friend died and he's very upset. He's adamant that he goes to the funeral but I'm worried it will really traumatise him! He's very sensitive and his dad died before he was born. We haven't really discussed it much before and I wonder if it will bring up questions that he might not know how to bring up with me.

He's not going on his own by the way!

The poor, brave boy and how terribly sad for his friend. I can't imagine how his friend's family feel. All you can do is stay close to your son, encourage him to ask any questions he wants and to not feel bad about being upset in public or at home. I'm so sorry for him and his friend.

Assuming he is going with his peers, I am sure he will gain support and his confidence to get through it from them. It may help him to then be able to ask more questions about his dad too.

All I can say is, when I was 9 a school friend died of cardiomyopathy while on a school swimming trip. A whole load of children from the school went to his funeral including myself. I found it very sad, but a great way to say goodbye and add some finality to the situation.
The best thing you can do to support your ds is just what you are already doing - supporting his decision to go to the funeral and making sure he can talk to you whenever he needs to.
Prior to the funeral my school had a couple of lessons about what goes on at a funeral and what each part of the service meant, maybe you could go through that with ds so he knows what to expect? Make sure he's got plenty of tissues and is reassured that it is perfectly ok to cry.
He sounds like a very brave and loving boy, you must be very proud!

Yes, I think if I encourage him to talk and stay close he'll feel he can talk if he needs to. Thanks :)

I am very proud of him, he's so kind and still sweet despite being a pre-teen!

It is awful watching them going through this. DD1 was 14 when her 15 year old friend died very suddenly. I felt very helpless.

The school took a coach to the funeral so they all supported each other.

The talking happened later on when her memories of them together in primary school kept coming flooding back.

Just do your best, be there to talk when he wants to and follow your instincts.

How can you know how to support him through this? What a sad situation for ds and of course his frend's family. All you can do is follow his lead and your own instinct. ((hugs)) to you all.

Lady it sounds like he really wants to go to pay his respects .
It would be sadder really if he missed this.
12 yo is a difficult age but it sounds like he can talk to you so he might be quiet for a while after while he sorts things out.

He's probably feeling his own mortality too, for him to know someone who died so young.

Very sad situation, but going and sharing the grief with his mates will be the best support for him. You can't take the horrible sadness away from him, whether he goes or not it will still have happened, being part of the saying goodbye may make it easier to bear.

I think you are doing all you can. My friend committed suicide at 15 and I went to her funeral. I know that's a bit older and a lot changes in those years, but going really helped me deal with it.

Just be there fore him, that's all you can do. I'm so sorry, it's awful having to watch children go through the loss of anyone.

How awful for him. But he should certainly go. It's what funerals are for -- to say goodbye, to support others in their grief, to be supported by them in turn. It would be worse if he didn't go. And I think that all you can do is be there for him.