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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to confiscate DSS1's mobile?

23 replies

Enfyshedd · 26/02/2013 18:08

DSS1 (14) called DP this afternoon to say that he'd missed the school bus home today. The reason was because he'd had to go to reception to sign his mobile back out (many Hmm faces at this). When DP collected him, it turns out it had been confiscated because he and his mate had been watching porn on it under the desk and the teacher caught them bloody hormonal idiots.

Now, I'm pretty sure that when I bought him the phone (not his DF or "D"M, it was me after I'd beaten him down from a far more expensive phone over 6 months), I stipulated that there was to be now messing around with it and if he got into trouble or broke it, that he would be getting the cheapest, most basic mobile I could buy.

I've already forked out for a new screen after it fell out of his pocket and the screen had cracked, and now he's been a dick in school when he knows the school rules. I've also previously said that if I found out he'd downloaded porn (giving him the opportunity to do it, but to make sure that there was no way I would find out), I would make sure the home wifi net nanny stuff was set up and I would want his mobile handed over so I could clear it of all "unsuitable" content.

DSS1 is at his mother's tonight, but WIBU tomorrow night to insist he hands the phone over for clearing and to remind him of the threat of the basic phone?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 26/02/2013 19:22

I would never had got more than the most basic PAYG phone in the first place -therefore I would make your threats and carry them out.

FelicityWasCold · 26/02/2013 19:26

You bought it? You Taketh away.

Saski · 26/02/2013 19:27

I'd be cracking down, that's no minor infraction. I'll post you my old Nokia circa 2001 that my kids take to football, he'd love that!

BruthasTortoise · 26/02/2013 19:34

Why didn't your DP confiscate the phone when he collected him from school? Is he in agreement about removing the phone? For what it's worth at my DSS's school bringing inappropriate material on to school grounds is automatic suspension then, depending on the content, special measures and possible expulsion.

rhondajean · 26/02/2013 19:59

Why don't you have restrictions on what he can access on the phone through your service provider?

Not that that solves your problem, but it would stop the porn at least.

LahleeMooloo · 26/02/2013 21:15

Think Tesco do one for £13!

CupidStunt48 · 26/02/2013 21:24

I'd take the phone away and hand a £5 one back to him (In Tesco BTW) keep the one you bought him until he can use it appropriately and has learnt his lesson.

But of course it matters what your DP thinks about the situation...

StuntGirl · 26/02/2013 21:42

Not really, since she bought the phone!

No point making a threat if you don't carry it out. As has been said above, he's lucky he's not been suspended for it.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 27/02/2013 08:09

DSS1 just popped home before catching the school bus - he showed me the phone (with minimal argument - "You knew the agreement") and deleted the offending video without a fuss. He then grumbled a bit more when I asked him to hand the phone to me to find the rest (I'm not so dumb to think that there would only be one item). Didn't have enough time to delete them all before he had to leave for the bus, but he has been told that I want the phone back again tonight to finish the job Grin.

Didn't sort out the ISP restrictions before as the only computers in the house were my laptop and DP's/the family computer which are both in the living room (well supervised), and I was nearly 8mo pg when I bought DSS1's new phone so was a little bit preoccupied at the time. DD is now 9mo, will finally play on her own and goes to her childminder 4 days week (am back at work - week off this week), so am going to sort out the ISP today while I have to stay in all day for a sodding courier. Especially urgent now as DSS1 is getting a computer in his room (although it's an old pc of mine and I'm not sure if it will connect to the internet anyway).

DP agrees with me about the clearing of the phone and the threat of a basic phone if it happens again, but had to admit that he burst out laughing when DSS1 told him why he'd had the phone taken off him in the first place (although we both suspected it as soon as he called for a lift). Phone wasn't confiscated as he was going to his mother's for the night.

The joys of teenage boys...

OP posts:
Callisto · 27/02/2013 08:15

Your partner thinks it is funny that his 14yo son was caught watching porn in a lesson? Shock I must be very naive because I find that more shocking than anything in this sorry and sordid affair.

PurpleRayne · 27/02/2013 08:30

So, basically, he has the original phone back? You realise he can download from other places than home, yes? You have made a mistake in not following through... and your dp needs educating on the effects of video porn on an adolescent child's developing sexuality (leaving aside moral implications of sexual exploitation of women).

diddl · 27/02/2013 09:02

Now I´m a very strange person as I think that if there is internet access at home for FB, youtube etc, a basic phone is more than enough for a kid to be carrying to school for more or less emergency phoning.

And watching porn in school-words fail me!

I'd be taking the phone away forever for a long time!

mrsjay · 27/02/2013 09:04

why has a 14 yr old got the internet on his phone didnt you sort out the setttings boys and girls will look at 'stuff' on phones if they have it ont heir phones do you have parental settings on the internet at home ? take it off him get him a PAYG and set the internet settings

mrsjay · 27/02/2013 09:06

his dad burst out laughing because he thought it was funny a 14 yr old was watching porn Hmm Is it a case of boys what are they like

IDontDoIroning · 27/02/2013 09:08

Glad I'm not the only one who was Shock at him watching porn and even more Shock at you both laughing at it,
I've a teen with who's got my old iPhone and if I had had that call from school it would be the last he saw of it for quite some time.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 27/02/2013 14:37

I wasn't laughing at it - I was Hmm about it and as soon as I saw him (which wasn't until this morning), I reminded him of the rules I'd stipulated when he had the phone (he was told that I might insist on seeing the contents of his phone at any time, although I hadn't done that until this morning).

Also, the school didn't contact us about it either - it was DP asking his DS as to the reason why he had missed the school bus (which was because of the time it took to sign the phone out of the school reception).

Home internet settings have been altered this morning, so no more picking crap up from the home wifi. DSS1 phone is PAYG and only has credit put on it when there's a good reason (him going away) - it's more of a "so we/his mother can get hold of him" tool, and he's allowed to download free apps to play games (well, he was told he could download the paid apps, but he wouldn't be getting any extra credit for it). He's basically just proved the reason why I refused point blank to allow him a contract phone.

DP knows he was a twit for laughing about it in front of DSS1 (yes, I think it was a case of "boys, what are they like"). When I moved in 2 1/2 years ago, I voluntarily took up the post of "bad cop" as DP was being a bit of a pushover for a quiet life looking after 2 DSs on his own, and I had to encourage/help DP to be more of "Dad" and laying down the law and not DSS1's mate (was also better for DP's mental health as he has PTSD and DSS1 was starting to push the boundaries a bit hard). It works now - just have to remind DSS1 that if he wants to get on in life that he needs to make sure that he doesn't pull stunts like this in the future and that he's lucky not to be in a school that does instant detentions/suspensions for that behaviour.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/02/2013 14:41

So you've totally failed to follow through on your threat?

Not that it should be your threat to make really, his parents should be the ones setting the boundaries and enforcing them.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 27/02/2013 15:00

I've seen DSS1 for a total of 5 minutes since it happened - DSS1 was at his mother's last night and if DSS1 didn't have his phone, then DP would have had to go through his ex if he needed to call him (not something he likes to do if he can avoid it). When he gets home this afternoon, then I'll be in a position to remind him of my rules properly.

DP doesn't think confiscating the phone in this instance is necessary (Quote - "I think he's been embarrassed enough this time" - maybe the teacher said something in class that I haven't been told about yet?), but agrees about doing some random spot checks on the phone in the future. Am harbouring suspicions that DP sees it as the modern equivalent of looking at his mates' older brothers' copies of Playboy or Razzle in the 70's.

Will pop to the market or Cash Converters on Saturday to pick up a cheap sim-free phone for threat standby Grin

OP posts:
OkayHazel · 27/02/2013 15:45

I really think you're going to struggle stopping a 14 year old boy watching porn. His friends will just file share, even if your Internet blocks it. And I also don't think it's wrong to watch porn, but that's a whole other debate!

Yes take the phone away. Its about respecting rules, which he didn't do.

BambieO · 27/02/2013 16:01

I agree, confiscate away!

My DN plays up something rotten (16) and taking his phone away is the only thing guaranteed to have him pleading best behaviour. He is not allowed it back until his punishment is complete by which point he is so glad to have it back he will do pretty much anything to keep it that way.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 27/02/2013 16:23

DSS1 got home before his DF got back with DSS2 & DD. First thing he did was bring his phone to me and in front of me deleted the rest of the photos I didn't have time to clear this morning. Then I checked the rest of his phone for any other photos/videos and couldn't find any. Didn't have a chance to do the reminder lecture then as was also on the phone ranting at courier company (see my other thread).

They've all gone back out (my b'day tomorrow - with a house full of men/boys, I should be glad they've gone shopping today and not tomorrow Grin), but DSS1 will be lectured when they're back. Will allow my birthday spirit to give him a reprieve on a confiscation this time, but next time there will be a very basic standby available in the house to swap his phone for... [evil grin]

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 27/02/2013 18:04

And there will be a next time, as you've completely failed to follow through on any punishment at all. Well done.

Why do people make threats they have no intention of following through? Aside from anything else, why waste your breath?

diddl · 27/02/2013 21:07

Wow-no punishment for viewing porn at school!

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