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Original poster

To want to tell my DD that her 'friend' is no such thing....and not so politely...

9 replies

unlucky83 · 26/02/2013 15:03

DD is just 12, 'friend' is 13 and definitely more worldly wise. 'Friend' has older siblings whereas DD is eldest
They have know each other for just over 2 years - 'friend' joined DD at primary school. Know 'friends' parents a bit - they are quite strict and definitely are ambitious for their children.
I think 'friend' is a nasty manipulative b*tch...but maybe I'm over reacting
Soon after meeting they were best friends ...fell out a bit....had other best friends and now 'friend' is DD's bestest bestest friend again...
All this sounds like girls of that age...
but....
At Primary they chose two children with 'natural musical ability' for free piano lessons - DD was chosen. 'Friend' told her not to take up the lessons because she would be 'stuck' playing piano and couldn't take up a 'cooler' instrument later. DD (without me knowing until afterwards) turned the lessons down. 'Friend' was then offered them and took them up....(not sure if she would have known she next in line though...)
At secondary - DD won't sort her bag out after school, check her homework etc - carries all her books around with her every day...does her homework on the bus - apparently 'friend' (who knows everything because of her older siblings) doesn't do her bag...or bother doing her homework (which I know isn't true - her mum told me about helping her do an essay!)

They have to make choices now for next year - DD could just do one science -but I think that is a really bad idea and am insisting she does 2 (and then two 1 year less academic things) - 'friend' says you don't need more than one science unless you want to be a doctor or vet or something and she is just going to do four less academic subjects (I refuse to believe her parents will let her - in fact I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't doing 3 sciences and no 'easy' things)...
Final straw - they are going on an activity weekend (not with school) . 'Friend' needs a lift. She was trying to persuade another friend's parent to take her - instead of my DD...but as we lift share anyway we had already agreed to do it between us...so 'friend' got friendly with another girl and is getting a lift with their parent...and that girl's friend. They will be in rooms of 4 - my DD with 3 good friends (who will all lift share together) - so 'friend' will be in a room with the two other girls she lift shared with. They will have a spare space in their room - so are likely to get another girl in with them who is really unpleasant - a bully - none of the group will want to share with her.. in fact some members of the group have left because of her..
Now 'friend' is suddenly best friends with my DD again ...trying to persuade her to come into their room. Worse a few comments have been made that show 'friend' is putting down DD's good friends - even things like suggesting they shouldn't go to her birthday treat at the cinema - they would want to watch something rubbish ...etc etc etc...
I am maybe getting too carried away with this ...but DD is v. scatterbrained and was in trouble (with me) for losing cardigans, coats etc...she came home without her jumper - she said she must have left (with something else) just outside 'friend's house- I sent her straight back out to get it - 10 mins later, if that, it wasn't there and 'friend' hadn't seen it ... now DD has just lost another coat - and the first thing that went though my head was 'oh no' she was with 'friend' last time she saw it...

One day last week she came back with DD after school - normally she goes home at 5ish but was still here at 6pm...showing no signs of moving ..I asked when she had to be home and she said her parents had said 8pm. So I told her she couldn't stay that late (we had a lot of things to sort out for a party the next day) but could stay for dinner but would have to go home straight afterwards ...after dinner she went and sat on the sofa and despite a good few heavy hints didn't leave until 8pm....I felt like she deliberately pushing to see if I would be rude and tell her 'leave - NOW' ...

Please tell me I am being unreasonable and that I am reading too much into it and a 13 year can't be that .....devious?

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MNHQ

JulieMumsnet · 26/02/2013 19:31

@Oblomov

My post was deleted by MN?????? I am BEYOND furious Angry because i spent nearly 3/4 of an hour , in between cooking an eveing meal, try to help OP. I am soooooo mad. I have contacted MN to question why. I wrote NOTHING wrong. CARE to respond MN?

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We removed your post as it contained a personal attack against the OP and her child.

JulieMumsnet · 26/02/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet · 26/02/2013 21:26

Ahem
PEace and love MNers

MNHQ

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet · 26/02/2013 21:28

@JulieMumsnet

[quote Oblomov] It was not a personal attack. This is MN Moderators at their worst, being totally over-zealous. I am disgusted. I went to a lot of time and effort to write 6 paragraphs. And I said OP needed to grow a pair of bllcks. Thsi means to have courage, not to be spineless, to have faith and confidence and not to be a walkover. I do not consider this a personal attack. I have written thsi same sentence many many many times, over the years on MN, and i have seen it written 100's of time more, by other posters. And I wrote this within a approx 100-/150 word answer - 6 pointers I mentioned, encouraginf OP to discuss with her daughter , for example, her options/subjects and once they were decided , to get the Op's daughter to agree not to change her subject choices, irrespective of which subjects the other girl chose. I gave 5 similar pointers, to OP, trying to get her to addrees the issue with her daugher alone. rather than considering this other girl. I went to ALOT of time and trouble to write my 'helpful' post. In between cokiing dinner for the ds's. Does that sound like an'personal attack' to you? And I am disgusted at Mn being ridiculous moderatrors. I think the moderators are being so petty , that maybe it is time for me to take a MN break, for a bit. I am truley shocked.

Shock

We truly appreciate that you put thought into your post, and that you didn't mean to offend, but we felt that saying....... one part of your post was beyond the pale attack on the OP and her family, which is why your post was deleted.
[/quote]

Hope this clears things up
Thanks
MNHQ

MNHQ

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet · 26/02/2013 21:44

@Doha

MNHQ I have to agree with Oblomov. I thought she had written a long thoughtful response which l certainly did not take as a personal attack on the OP or her DD. This is the moderators playing at being BIG BROTHER probably because they had nothing better to do.

Now this will probably be deleted because l have challenged MNHQ.

Absolutely pathetic

Sorry you feel that way.
It is very rare actually that we delete any challenges on MNHQ more's the pity

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 26/02/2013 22:16

Right. What's going on here, then? Some issues over post deletions, I see.

Can I be of any help?

I'll reply to some Qs here in the meantime...

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 26/02/2013 22:19

@WorraLiberty

Blimey, MN is the only forum I've ever been on where people can and do openly challenge the moderators.

I don't think I've ever seen a challenge deleted unless of course it breaks the same rules that govern every post.

Indeed.

But we are always happy to explain the reasons behind any decisions we make. And acknowledge any cock-ups (we are human, after all).

We tend to do most of this explaining/cock-up-apologising by mail but we don't mind doing it on the thread, either.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 26/02/2013 22:21

@ThisIsMummyPig

So then Mumsnet - edit out the bit you don't like, and put the rest on. That way we can all move on.

No, we're afraid we don't edit posts.

We don't have the resources and, anyway, some folks might be tempted to use it to rewrite history a little bit.

It's unfortunate that small part of Oblomov's post contained a personal attack. But, to be honest, them's the rules: if you break the Talk Guidelines, your post is deleted.

Oblomov, you are most welcome to post up the rest of your post again. We're sure the discussion would be the richer for it.

If you don't have a copy of it, we'd be v happy to ping it over to you.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 26/02/2013 22:27

@Oblomov

JulieMN, now that you have decided to write the said offensive bit. And it is thus back on the thread. There seems little reason, to not include the other 90% of extremly suoportive suggestions. You choose to write exactly what I wote, ehcih you deemed offensive. It was your decision to re-introduce it back onto the thread. So please post the nice bits of my post. Its the least you could do.

As we said, Oblomov, you're welcome to repost the nice bits yourself - they should come under your name, after all.

And we quite often quote back the rule-breaking part of a post to the person whose post was reported, if they query its deletion on the thread.

It's quite hard to explain why a certain phrase/sentence broke the rules, if you can't quote it.

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