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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You know when you thought everything was going OK, only to find out it wasn't...?

67 replies

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 14:57

How do you not let it crush you?

I've been working from home for the last three months after not being in a paid job for 14 years, I had the first feedback from them today and it's not good at all, but I thought it was going alright and I'm struggling to get my head round it.

There have been similar things at other times in my life as well, like I thought a relationship/friendship was going well only to find out I must have misread or misunderstood what I thought were the indicators that everything was fine.

I wonder if I generally just don't 'get it' (whatever 'it' is) and have to accept it's always going to be a mystery and should carry on trying to avoid stuff so I don't get in these situations because it makes me feel like such a failure and I can't cope, especially when I think I might get the boot at work and totally let DH/DDs down.

It would be unreasonable to deal with it in a gin/blubbing heap/self-pity fest way, tempting as it is, at work they're looking at it again in just over a week, how do I carry on working in the meantime?

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 14:59

Meant to say that I've got MH problems which limits what jobs I can do, if I lose this job I'm right royally fucked.

OP posts:
dubbada · 26/02/2013 15:01

I know that feeling, write everything down take away the emotion and check are you fulfilling their briefs ect.

Try not to let it get to you, remember it can't be bad all the time and it will change at some point something good will happen and change your luck

Hugs

KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/02/2013 15:04

I know that feeling, too. I sympathize with you. That feeling of just not "getting it" when everyone else seems in on the secret is maddening. And, yeah, I've been shocked to find out that what I thought was fine was not at all fine in someone else's eyes.

I have no real advice, but just sympathy!

MarinaTheMarvellous · 26/02/2013 15:09

I recently realised my strengths lie in details but that I am very bad at seeing the big picture - could it be a mismatch like that?

dothraki · 26/02/2013 15:09

AgentZigzag - maybe the person giving you feedback was a bit of an arse. I've had this - so have most people in the workplace. Maybe you should look very carefully at exactly what has been said. When I was supervising staff I always found postive thing to say about people's work, this really helped people to bandand work as a team. They may havebeen having a bad day, or just be a bit tactless. Can you ask them for a bit of support. I think its brilliant that in such difficult times you have managed to get work. Please try and stay strong.

dothraki · 26/02/2013 15:11

Bandand Grin bond and, see attention to detail ain't my strong point

PessaryPam · 26/02/2013 15:12

Yes I have had this happen to me too. I have found that it is usually someone else externalizing their own problems onto me, but it's very hard to deal with. Please keep your chin up and ask for more detailed and itemized feedback.

HawthornLantern · 26/02/2013 15:14

Really sorry to read this. Every training course I have ever been on has stressed that negative feedback should be balanced by positive feedback (not least to limit demoralisation) but that negative feedback also needs to be specific. Getting poor feedback but not being given clear, structured information on what they would like you to do differently is not ok. Do you feel able to go back to them for more/better information? It might work in your favour if you are seen as being proactive.

HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 15:36

One piece of piece of negative feedback does NOT make you a failure.
Every time you stick your neck out it will have consequences mostly people just won't give a shit, sometimes they'll complain and when pigs fly they even praise a good job!

Unless you were getting regular consistent bad feedback and showing no signs of trying to improve your unlikely to lose your job.

Without letting it destroy your confidence, ask yourself honestly, can you see where they were coming from? If yes, deal with it, If not, they may well just be being an arse Wink

Your loved ones will not be disappointed in you because one customer got the hump, they'll be proud of you for dealing with your issues and getting yourself this job.

Its not easy clawing your way back Into world of work after mh problems.

Well done! Smile

HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 15:43

Ok I misread that. The feed back was from the company.

everything still stands, manager may have been having a bad day and you won't get fired for one lot of bad feedback.

If you honestly don't get where they're coming from you need to contact them and say something like

I was surprised to receive this feedback could you be more specific about what worked and what didn't so that I know how to improve my work.

Also zigzag, is it possible that the feedback isn't meant as negatively as your taking it Smile

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 15:43

Thanks for your posts and suggestions.

It's an unusual set up and they're a bit distant, they've told me how crap I am but haven't given me the promised feedback on why yet, which has left me floundering a bit.

I don't want to shift responsibility for it on to them, but realistically some is down to them due to how it works.

I've not long had the first pay packet, and being able to replace the fucked washing machine and buy DDs some clothes gave me something I haven't had before. I usually avoid avoid avoid and switch something off in my head, but I can't because I've got to carry on with this one. I'm struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 15:47

There's no getting away from the fact that my self esteem has been worn away so much it's only eggshell thick now, any criticism just breaks me.

It's possible I might be taking it too much to heart, they haven't booted me yet have they? But I just can't live with the judgement from them, it sounds like the start of the pity fest, but it confirms what I think of myself.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 15:51

It's ok to struggle sometimes, we all do. It doesn't mean you can't do it. Smile

The company doesn't sound very organised how do they expect you to do better in future if they haven't explained what's wrong Confused

Was their initial brief this clear, could that account for their response?

it must be a great feeling, having earned the money for dds clothes and the new washing machine Smile

HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 15:57

It's very possible your taking something fairly innocuous to be a much bigger deal than it was meant as. Very hard for me to judge from here but if you already have confidence issues it's highly likely.

Your whole self does not rest on success in this job. You dh and kids will still love you even if this job is just not suitable.

You have done so well to get here, you have already breached the getting a job barrier and if you want to look for another one it will be a lot easier now you've got one.
Don't lose sight of the huge achievement getting back into employment is... After 14years ! Thats huge!

kalidanger · 26/02/2013 15:58

It's a bit crap of them to say "You've not do e very well" and you say "Which bit?" and get silence back. Very crap Sad

But! All is not lost! As you don't know what it is yet it could very well be nothing. Perhaps there's an aspect if the work you're still being trained on? So the results are to be expected to be imperfect. Perhaps they werent clear about some aspect and you did g do it because it was t part of the job description? Perhaps you're not using the company font, and no one said you had to? Any number if easily explained and surmountable things. So don't panic!

kalidanger · 26/02/2013 15:59

"Something fairly innocuous" three little words instead of my paragraph :o

HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 16:04

I once left a job after 5 days of abysmal failure.
It was a sales job, cold calling. I needed the money to pay rent. After 5, 5 hour shifts I just left. Not only was it bloody awful experience I did not make a single sale

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/02/2013 16:05

Oh, how horrible. Sad

If it's any comfort I think this is quite common - none of us can really judge how well we're doing. But some people are better at shrugging it off than others.

I don't know, but I think something that might help would be making a formal reply to the feedback, to say you've taken it on board and you want to do better - that way you can bring up anything you were surprised by and anything you don't think is right, but it will come across as you being keen to get it right.

But basically, you are optimistic and look for the positives and in life that is a very good quality to have, even if it's not fun for you now!

Pandemoniaa · 26/02/2013 16:05

They don't sound at all supportive. OK, it may be that you have, perhaps, not quite "got" what they wanted you to deliver but for starters, you don't wait 3 months to tell someone they aren't doing the job properly. The idea of feedback is that the person receiving it can feel supported, not have their self-esteem destroyed. Have they offered any practical help or suggestions as to how you can turn this negative feedback around?

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 16:06

Spending money I'd earned by grafting was amazing, I know they'd love me regardless, but I hate myself for not having whatever it is that would bring financial rewards to all of us.

It takes some of the pressure of DH, and just getting small things for the DDs meant so much to me.

The work is relatively subjective in what I have to do, and with the feedback process seemingly a bit random, it's like having to follow rules but without anyone actually telling you what those rules are.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 26/02/2013 16:07

If you know you are very sensitive to criticism, you could be taking the limited feedback a bit too negatively. If they've said something like, 'we'll be talking to you about some areas for improvement', that could be the start of fairly positive dialogue/coaching, rather than them thinking you're rubbish!

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/02/2013 16:09

It's taking an iron will to keep it together, but your posts are helping, thank you for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/02/2013 16:10

Best of luck with it - you keep on keeping it together!

kalidanger · 26/02/2013 16:11

Could you push them for the feedback again? If if was promised last week then it's reasonable to ask/remind them on Tuesday.

Is it creative? So, no real numbers/average sales type thing?

HerrenaHarridan · 26/02/2013 16:17

An iron will you have got Smile

There is so many positives to focus on, they are in no way diminished by some ill though out feedback

What are you going to get with you next pay packet? Have you something nice planned for yourself? I think you should Wink