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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell MIL i go in to labour..

84 replies

rodandtheemu · 26/02/2013 11:37

Hi...
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital then me and DP can bond with her and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.

WWUD?

OP posts:

Vetster · 26/02/2013 17:42

DO NOT TELL HER! YANBU. MIL sounds like a nightmare. If she strops and sulks after the birth that just means you'll have some much needed space away from her. Don't feel guilty, you will have done nothing wrong. You don't need the stress right now, or for your 6 week postpartum period either. I'd keep well away from MIL for as long as possible to help you recover from the birth...stress free. DON'T GIVE IN! It's her loss if she's going to disrespect your wishes at such a sensitive time in your life. This one of these circumstances when you have to put yourself and your baby first. It's a big deal having a baby. Hope you have a really great birthing experience.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/02/2013 17:45

YANBU. Don't tell if there's a chance she'll turn up and be a nightmare.

Where I gave birth they only let two people in (one of them my H). We had to give names, anyone not on the list wasn't allowed in!

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/02/2013 17:47

If it were me I would deal with the smoking before hand. Make it clear your baby will not be around smokers or in smoky environments and those who do smoke will not be holding her within half an hour and without washing.

I would also cover overnight visits in that as well.

With the being in labour thing i wouldn't say a word and when she bleats about it afterwards just say "why on earth would you expect to be told something like that the only people who needed to know were me dh and the midwife, people actually required to be there"

Original poster

rodandtheemu · 26/02/2013 19:45

Thanks for your replies! I think I'm going to tell her next time she brings it up. I'm just going to say 'well my DM wants to be there too (she wouldnt dream of it) so there is not enough room, so no one is. Plus I dont want crowds of people coming up so just going to invite you all together when we get back''.......and deal with the fire works when they encure!

After reading countless posts on here about MIl's I'm going to dig deep and start standing up to her other wise it will only get worse.

forget they hate each other..seriously.. MIL wont speak directly to SIL even in the same room. Dp is the only person that 'stands' up to he (ish).

OP posts:

Original poster

rodandtheemu · 26/02/2013 19:47

sock mil will never have dc over night or even baby sit her. She is the type of person to have baby on hip, fag in gob.

OP posts:

BeehavingBaby · 26/02/2013 20:15

The most magical time when you have a baby is the time when the midwives have decided all's well and they go off to do their paperwork, leaving you, DP/DH and the new baby on your own

Could not be more off topic and I am so sorry OP but had to say how ovely seeing this written down is. I'm a student MW and my mentors are always trying to impress this need for space on me but I am a bit stuck in 'what if she bleeds to death?' mode and have a terrible tendency to hover

And OP, please don't tell her and second the advice to never, ever let her babysit

forgetmenots · 26/02/2013 20:52

I kind of thought you might say that OP, take the warning and count yourself so lucky your DP is supportive - think your approach sounds great. Agree with those saying no babysitting...

FryOneFatManic · 26/02/2013 20:58

BeehavingBaby When I was in this position I was left with a call button in case of problems.

foslady · 26/02/2013 21:14

Another one for the don't tell her/practise not answering the phone. Much as I like OBEM, I think it gives a skewed impression that it's common for a crowd of people to be in the delivery suite. When I had dd no way on Gods earth did I want anyone other than her dad in there with me, and then he nearly got his hand broke as I squeezed hell out of it with each contraction!!!!

NB - if she does appear, I would suggest the power of contractions on venting your frustration at her, after all, who'd be brave enough to tell a birthing woman it's not right to tell her MIL to fuck off mid contraction......

ArtexMonkey · 26/02/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 26/02/2013 21:20

I wouldn't say anything before time OP - you'll just be subjected to 8 weeks of emotional blackmail until you change your mind. Just say yes, of course she can come, and then don't ring her!

I'm always amazed at people who remember to phone everyone when they're having babies. It would never even have occured to me in labour!

pigletmania · 26/02/2013 21:23

Op just dont tell her anything until after baby is born. If she moans that she was not there, just say it happened very quickly that you dident have time to call. Please keep us updated

doublecakeplease · 26/02/2013 21:42

I'd tell her now. My mil is lovely and we get on really well but i think this is partly because i stood up to her in the beginning about certain things (not dc related - more about her gossiping about sil and DP's brother, slating how they raise their kids etc). I told her nicely but firmly that i value 'each to their own' etc and have calmly explained and things i disagree with her on. We have a good relationship because (i hope) she respects me and knows that i won't take any shit Ireland silliness.

Set out your terms calmly but firmly so that there is no room for argument.

My mum is lovely but a bit overbearing. She sharp cottoned on to me saying 'its a good job you had 3 of us to have your way with' in a semi joking way whenever she expressed distaste at our choice if name, outfit, parenting choice...

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/02/2013 22:38

Good god no.

Don't ever even hint that she can come,if you do she will grab that hint like its a free diamond.

Inertia · 26/02/2013 23:08

God no, don't tell anyone when you are in labour apart from DH !

Your MIL has had her turn , she was there for the birth of her own children . She may be the baby's grandmother, but she does not preside over your reproductive system .

And yes, you need to be firm about no smoking around the baby.

BackforGood · 26/02/2013 23:11

Both my Mum and my Mil were/are extremely reasonable, sensible people, but it never occurred to me to tell either of them when I was in labour (with my first - Mum did come and look after him when I went in with my second!).
I can't believe the number of people on OBEM who have more than their partner there. It's a very, very personal and private time for the Mum and Dad to be IMO.

That's without any of my realtives being the loon the your MiL sounds like she is!

cafecito · 26/02/2013 23:16

yanbu

Yfronts · 26/02/2013 23:44

tell no one and tell the midwives you don't want any visitors at all ever. They will have to abide by your needs. If you do go into labor when you are round relatives tell them you have a bad headache and are going home.

Yfronts · 26/02/2013 23:45

if you need to go for a sweep or other early labor appointment, tell MIL it's just a standard appointment to check your blood pressure and urine.

BegoniaBampot · 27/02/2013 00:32

Just don't tell her until after and you'll avoid any stressful scenes, arguments, tears etc.

TBh, your biggest problem is the smoking, that is going to cause a major upset. She will never accept your rules on this. My mum was exactly the same regards smoking, even told my sister if she wasn't allowed to smoke in sister's house when she visited her GC then she would never come. Thank God she had stopped before mine came along as I wouldn't have let her see them as she always stunk of fags.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss · 27/02/2013 01:43

BE STRONG! Make your stand, and dont back down!
Like Begonia says, the smoking will be the biggest issue. Stick to your guns! As others have said, set the groundwork for the future now.

HairyHandedTrucker · 27/02/2013 04:47

Your vagina (or stomach) your rules.

It's very simple really.

Babies smell so lovely, they shouldn't be tainted with cigarette smoke

HairyHandedTrucker · 27/02/2013 04:55

a new baby that hasn't kept you awake, hasn't given you sore nipples, hasn't pooed everywhere, hasn't brought back up a whole evening's breastfeed, hasn't played up when you're trying to settle them - in short, a perfect little being. It's a personal, private time for just the three of you

No but has in some case quite literally just ripped you a new one

just kidding OP, it really only stings a bit

PorridgeBrain · 27/02/2013 05:44

I totally agree that you should stick to your guns on not having any visitors on the day your baby is born. It really is such a magical time for the 3 of you that you won't forget. I still often fondly think back to when dd1 was born and I don't think of the time I was in labour, I think of when she was finally born and those hours afterwards of bonding, talking about the labour with Dh and how we felt through it etc.

With dd1, we had all afternoon from 4pm when she was born to 2 pm the next day (visiting hours) with just the 3 of us to bond. When visiting hours started, I was ready then to show off our beautiful baby to our family who were obviously desperate to meet her too.

I would say that it's more than reasonable to stipulate that you don't want any visitors in the first 24 hours, beyond that I think it's a little unfair to expect immediate family (I.e parents and siblings) to stay away without really good reason.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 27/02/2013 06:09

Will the Midwives really stop her coming in though?

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