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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be invited in..

15 replies

TranceDaemon · 26/02/2013 10:33

My 22 month DS had his first day with his new childminder yesterday. We met her for 45 mins on Friday and she seemed lovely. DS went off and played and even gave her a hug when we left.

When I arrived to drop him off yesterday he was really unsure and I was expecting to go in and get him settled as it was his first day. But the cm didn't invite me in and made it clear I was to just drop him at the door. I was only there a minute or two then I left.

I was a bit upset at how unsure he looked and a bit confused about not being invited in. I've not had a cm before so assumed that was just how it worked.

When I picked him up he came to the door with her and just flung himself in my arms and sobbed. He howled while she told me how he had been and he had cried for me a few times during the day but otherwise ok. I was only there a few minutes.

I just felt really unwelcome and wondered if it was normal to drop your child at the door? He's due to go for a half session today but I really don't want him to go. I don't know if IABU?

OP posts:

adeucalione · 26/02/2013 10:36

It was normal to drop at the door with our childminder - there were often several families arriving at the same time, and I think it would've been disruptive and hard to settle the children if everyone had wanted to go in.

Having said that - my DC were school age, so it does seem a bit mean not to let the mother of a 2yo come inside to settle him. Maybe, in her experience, they are more likely to settle if the parent doesn't come in?

I think you need to talk to her about this, she will have seen it all before.

Thewhingingdefective · 26/02/2013 10:53

YANBU.

If he is unfamiliar with the CM then I think it makes sense to allow you to accompany him in to the house and help settle him in for a couple of minutes. You should also be able to see the environment he will be spending most of his day. Maybe the CM didn't realise you wanted to go in with him. I would just say 'Come on, mummy will come in with you for a minute and you can show me what toys you like to play with' or something similar.

At the CM that my kids go to, I normally do handover at the door as they are familiar with her and often there are other parents dropping there kids off at the same time too, but I am always welcome inside the house.

FrenchJunebug · 26/02/2013 10:54

my son is also 22 months and I drop him at the door, give him a kiss and a wave and leave. Did you explain to your DS that you are going to work and he will stay with the lady? I did with my DS otherwise it is a bit of a shock.

SneakyNinja · 26/02/2013 11:48

Have you been in her house previously? I wouldn't expect to go in and settle DC every time but I would like to have a quick peek at the environment where they would be staying.

FrenchJunebug · 26/02/2013 16:56

I visited the downstairs of her house once(kitchen and living room where they spend most of their time when not going out), to chat to her for 45 minutes and met the other kid she looks after. That's it. Is she ofsted registered? I don't think that visiting her house completely is needed more feel comfortable that she is the right person to look after your son.

ChristineDaae · 26/02/2013 16:58

Do you not go in to pick him up? I wouldnt be happy about not seeing the house at all on a day 2 day basis when my child was there.

brainonastick · 26/02/2013 17:04

Yanbu. I chat to our cm for at least 10 mins on both drop off and pick up (sometimes she wants to chat, sometimes I do, it's not just me forcing my way inside!). It's part of the joy of a cm, you really get to see what the dcs have done in the day and get to know the cm very well. Ours is fabulous!

narmada · 26/02/2013 21:50

What was the explanation she gave for keeping you outside?

If he had never been in the CM's house before I think this is a bit odd TBH. Have you seen inside her house?

CupidStunt48 · 26/02/2013 21:54

If you had seen inside her house and had a chat with her then YABU as settling your DS in would make it harder for him to understand that you're leaving, A kiss and a bye is better for them IMO.

However, If it was the first time you had been there and left your DS with her then YANBU to want to see inside the home in which he would be staying.

BubblegumPie · 26/02/2013 22:01

Just say, "DS was a little unsettled last time, so I'm going to come in with him for a bit because I think it'll help to reassure him."

She will either let you or point blank refuse at which point you'd have to consider that she's not the right childminder for you and think about finding a new one.

ClaireandGeorge · 26/02/2013 22:02

YANBU I'm the same as Brainonastick. It took George a look time before I could leave without him getting upset, bow he shows me to the door.

IAmNotACaterpillar · 26/02/2013 22:02

I used to be a childminder and prior to a mindee starting with me there would have been a visit by the parents (with or without children) followed by a few settling in sessions where the parents and children became more used to coming, being in my home etc. However, once the sessions started "properly" I wouldnt expect a parent to come in - possibly just for a minute but honestly and truly I can say it was SOOOO much better for the children if the parent just gave a hug, kiss and waved bye bye. Without fail I can honestly say each and every child settled much quicker than if mummy (or daddy) was hanging around.

I can understand your uncertainty though. I used to make a point of texting mums (and I'm only speaking from my personal experience that it was mums doing drop offs) to let them know their child was OK. One little one used to scream the house down - and stop before his mum even got in the car!!

emsyj · 26/02/2013 22:08

I drop DD at the door with CM in the morning, but go in when I pick up - CM has helpers and lots of children as it's more of a nursery/CM hybrid sort of set up. I am quite often there for 10/15 mins chatting at pick-up, but never at drop-off really.

I would think it a bit odd to both drop off and pick up at the door and never see the house or other children.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 26/02/2013 22:49

I always used to go and have a chat with my son's CM. It wasn't even always about him, just a general chat sometimes. But it meant that the atmosphere was very welcoming and I could see how well he was being looked after. YANBU, I think that you should be invited in, especially if your child is a little bit upset.

Squeakygate · 26/02/2013 23:11

I always go in to my cm's when dropping off or picking up. If you are uncomfortable about not going in, there is something not right.

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