about DH 40th birthday photo album in which I don't appear...?

[Mothproof]

Regular, but have namechanged for my first AIBU, in case the Mn judgement is that I am being unbelievably petty. This is long, as I'm still a bit stunned, but to sum up, AIBU to be hurt and baffled by a 40th birthday photo album of my DH's life, in which I am almost entirely absent?

My DH turned 40 recently, and when his parents came to visit, his mother produced a big photo album she had had professionally made up (engraved leather cover, glossy paper etc) of montages of photos from my DH's life. (They've done similar for significant birthdays of all of the family.)

My MiL showed it to me first before giving it to DH, as he was at work - I thought it was a lovely idea, and said so. So there we were sitting on the sofa, leafing through the album, and I'm cooing over his baby photos and his cub scout award photos etc and as we got towards the student years - which is when DH and I got together, now over 20 years ago - I made a joky remark about being apprehensive about what I was going to look like when I started appearing in the photos, as I had this mad head of henna'ed hair as a student and some horrifying paisley shirts.

So I was mildly relieved not to see myself in the first few pages of student photos, but then thought it was odd I wasn't in any of the graduation photos, as we had been together two years by then, graduated in the same ceremony, and his family knew me well. It went out of my head fairly quickly, though, until I gradually realised I wasn't in any of the photos - not in our MA conferring (again, was in the same graduating ceremony), not at his 21st birthday, not at his PhD conferring, not at family weddings, PiLs wedding anniversary party, not in snaps from two holidays we took with PiL, not in ones from a ski holiday we took with friends, where the only photos are of him solo or with the other two.

It got totally surreal - I was honestly wondering whether I only imagined I had been there on all these occasions! I featured in five group shots - student class photos, a survivors' ball photo etc, and the third last page of the album consisted of three photos of us as a couple, all - oddly - from about eighteen or nineteen years ago.

But, as we had a baby last spring, our first, I thought I would surely feature there - no. There is a lovely photo of DH snuggling our newborn DS in hosiptal, four photos of DH and DS, and a couple of DS solo. End of album.

At this point, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and said something light-hearted like 'Oh, it looks as if DH had a baby by himself', but MiL clearly didn't get what I meant.

AIBU to be so hurt at appearing in 8 photos out of 400 plus, especially not in any of the baby photos? I thought I had a reasonably good relationship with MiL, assuming it was she who collected the photos (it's not my gentle, passive, FiL's kind of thing), and I have been her DS's partner, latterly wife, for 20 years, and am the mother of her youngest grandchild. Now I can't stop wondering whether this is malicious (I've always worked to maintain a cordial relationship, but we're very different people, and she has vocally disapproved of our decision to not have a big wedding and baptise our baby) or whether it simply didn't occur to her that I was an important figure in her DS's life, because I hadn't done what her other DiLs do, which is marry young and have a large family in their twenties.

I keep imagining her going through the hundreds of photos of family occasions and choosing the ones I'm not in. Again, how do you overlook a newborn baby's mother, even if the baby is the child of your adored youngest DS?

I'll never bring it up, but AIBU or being stupidly over-sensitive? Or can you think of any other explanation?

I would have agreed it was thoughtlessness until I read a post by the OP that the partners of her DH's siblings had been featured in their albums.

bloody hell, that's really horrible, so sorry for you. If it makes you feel any better, my mum arranged for a video to be made out of old cine film and it was called The xxxxxxx family album. You guessed it, I didn't feature . I am the youngest of 4 children.

At the time I sort of laughed it off as my mum is not known for tact but I was hurt. She said it was because they didn't have any film of me, it may have been nice to have included some photo's or imo not done it at all which now that I've typed it seems selfish of me.

Not sure how you get past it OP, what does dh say?

If it was deliberate it really is spectacularly malicious.

But maybe it was just thoughtless.

Maybe she was just concentrating on it being all about him, and finding and choosing photos of him, and in doing this she was unaware that she'd unintentionally excluded you, because she wasn't looking for photos of you?

Maybe she then did realise at the end and added the final page of photos of the two of you, to address this slightly?

You haven't been totally excluded.

Only you can really try to make a judgement on how deliberate this was, but I would have thought if she hated enough to put this Machiavellian plan into action to strike deep hurt, you'd have twigged about it before now.

My parents have framed photos up, of me and my boys together, it wouldn't occur to my DH to be offended, he knows photos of their child with her children are special, and not an indication of an evil plot to demonstrate how much they hate him. But he's not thier child, he's my husband (who they do love and have a few photos of.)

On fil's next birthday do a photo album without her and see what her reaction is...

I would be very hurt too. Thoughtless or malicious it's still hurtful.

From what you say it sounds more thoughtless, but even so...what a very silly person she is.

my mum and dh's do this! My mum did an album for my 40th, where the photos stopped at me leaving home to go to university! (talk about having issues). So nothing happened for the next 22 years.

and my MIL does albums the whole time which she gives to DH, including one of our wedding, where the most prominent photo was one of him and his brothers! I was in one photo! There are no photos of me and dh at all in her house. Whenever I have a new baby she just takes photos of him holding the baby, or her, and she produces a compilation every year (her H is a keen photographer) and I don't feature in any photos!

She's a bitch though so I just don't see her anymore.

Lol @bobyan I like that idea I sympathise deeply she sounds just like my future mil and she is the reason why it's Dp and not Dh!

Or go and have one of those lovely big family photos done, 'Ooh Mil come and see our picture! Just dh with his close family. For his birthday and to celebrate all the years we've been together.'

That's the ironic thing, Bobyan - MiL was desperately upset at her father's wake a few years ago when her nasty brothers had made a montage of photos of their father and his children projected onto a screen in the pub, included all twelve siblings except her, and then started nagging her about contributing to the catering.

After reading all the responses - thanks, everyone - I've pretty much decided it's probably not active malice. I think the three tokenistic ancient photos on the third last page suggest she thought, 'Oh, gosh, better have a couple of Mothproof'. I do think it's significant thoughtlessness, though - I mean, it doesn't seem to have occurred to her that her own DS might have been hurt that his longterm partner and the mother of his child was left out. I mean, I'm important to him, if not to MiL, and have been for 20 years, and you'd think anyone with half an ounce of common sense would realise that...?

Euphemia, I think it's a bit different - I'm not on the walls of their house either, but wall space is limited, and this is an album of more than 400 photos, giving a kind of narrative of DH's life to up 40, and I've been there for all the significant and insignificant occasions for the last 20 years.

I'd hate to upset my FiL, who is a sweetheart, who is dominated by his much more vocal wife (he's the originator of the shrugging 'Oh, you know what she's like' response to her that all her children take, and which does enable her often tactless behaviour), and yes, MiL is capable of taking massive umbrage. She didn't talk to one of her daughters for two years after some disagreement. I don't want that, espcially as both she and FiL are late seventies and in generally declining health. It is now a closed episode, and I will nobly ignore the damn book.

I can understand your hurt. My PILs house is filled with photos of BIL/SILs wedding and them on other occassions and their four children. Until recently the only adult photo they had of DH was a group one when he was best man for BIL. I will admit that the last few mothers days/fathers days/birthdays etc we have given them framed photos from our wedding and of our DS. At Christmas I even put a photo of DS up on their fridge myself next to the photos of the other grandchildren. DH shrugs it off, but I find it (even if its thoughtless) hurtful.

I think I would put the album away - like in the attic, I wouldn't have it out on display. And if this was ever commented on I would get DH to explain that he felt uncomfortable having it on display when it didn't seem to include you.

I suspect you will never feel quite the same way again about your MIL. I know I will always have an awareness of her favouritism in my dealings with mine.

Nope - you're not even being slightly unreasonable. That is a very strange thing for your MIL to have done.

Considering that you've been together for such a long time (it's not like you met your DH in the past 5 years, you've been together 20 years) then it is very strange that more photos of you haven't been included.

Wonder whether you should do an Aldi style photobook for your MIL for her birthday where everyone except her is in the photos, except say a group/family shot taken at Christmas 12 years ago, or at a wedding where she is in the background or something [wink[

I did once attend a wedding where, when the couple left the church, the mother of the groom arranged her whole family for a group photo, minus the new bride, because "she hasn't been family for long enough."

Perhaps you could do a similar book of photos of your DS to give to her, like a montage of his first year or something, and make sure that you are in most of them as well. You can often get 3 for 2 offers on books like this so you could do it as a 'gift to the grandparents' kind of thing and let your parents have a copy too.

im going to have to go against the general consensus here. The photo album is about HIM not you two as a couple. You appear in some of them.

I'd never dare to get DH to give it back. Shove it in a cupboard and just keep it in mind, that's what I'd do. Oh and get a professional shot done of you and DH for MIL's Christmas present. Nice and large, mind, wouldn't want her to miss the pleasure of your beaming visage!

It was his 40th birthday,not yours,,what is the problem?

thanks for answering my question OP

I have to admit, that possibility didn't occur to me. Did you spell it out that way for your MIL? Because maybe she didn't really understand what you considered to be a very good reason.

I do agree with pinkdelight in that however excluded you may feel by the photo book, she probably felt equally if not more excluded by not being able to share in your wedding. I do think a lot of mums would be hurt not seeing their children married, no matter how many children they have, no matter how valid the couple's reasons. Ideally they will just rise above it, which as you don't mention that she stopped talking to you (as she did her daughter) it sounds like maybe she did?

For those reasons I think you are doing the right thing to just let it lie.

I am lol-ing at the family photo at the wedding without the bride!

That stings, OP. But I doubt there's malice intended. I wouldn't bring it up with MIL. Some families do seem to have a bit of an idea of wives / partners not being part of the 'main' family. I've always thought this a bit about my BIL - once the DCs were born, his wife was insignificant because he had his 'heirs!' If I were you, I'd get a lovely photo of yourself and DH printed and framed, and give it to him for his birthday: not to rub MILs nose in it (she doesn't even need to see you giving it to him), but if anything to make yourself feel a bit more wanted when you see his - undoubtedly very touched - reaction. My DP (now DH) had lots of photos of family in his house, but none of us, after 5 years together. When we moved in together, I bought him a BIG picture of the pair of us, sorted that one out!

" it's perfectly possible that it never occurred to her that she was excluding me."
When I read that Mothproof I thought you were being more than fair to her. It takes time to put a montage together, and surely quite a bit of effort to airbrush you out of the half of his lifespan that you have shared.

Then I read DeWe's post and thought, well, maybe it is possible it came about accidentally but the fact that she didn't notice would still say something to me.

But I'm afraid you have unknowing ly posted the clincher for me - "MiL was desperately upset at her father's wake a few years ago when her nasty brothers had made a montage of photos of their father and his children projected onto a screen in the pub, included all twelve siblings except her". She KNEW how much this could hurt, because she has been hurt similarly in the past.

I'm afraid IMO that it was deliberate, and done with the intention that you be the one who is now 'desperately upset'. You've said in one of your posts "DH's response is 'Oh, you know how mad she is' (the general family response to her being autocratic, though no one ever confronts her on anything)."; I would expect that there are many other incidents in the past where she has deliberately sought to hurt your feelings, but they've been lost in the white noise of her bad behaviour. So she upped the ante. She is one nasty person.

In some of the pics? OP has been with her DH for 20+ years and was in 2% of them!!

I think it's malicious, yes. But I also think MiL has been allowed to be malicious for so long that this incident can be downgraded to mete thoughtlessness. She's a cow, but it's clearly part of such an enormous personality problem that the OP hasn't a hope of putting a dent in it. At least DH is on-side and not brushing it off, and it's good you can put it behind you Moth

"In some of the pics? OP has been with her DH for 20+ years and was in 2% of them!!"

why does that matter though? The present isnt about her its about him.

I dunno, it does like she's done it deliberately to hurt your feelings. And guesses you won't kick up a fuss. Well done you for being the bigger person. I guess she takes your niceness / dignity for weaknesses but at 70 odd it's sad for her, not you.

How about asking nicely for the negatives/photos that must be packaged up still that created the book. Then get anotther made but this time with rather more of you in? Don't have to say anything to MIL, just put her version in the attic.

I feel I will also hav to go against the general consensus. I can see it stings a bit but I am surprised by the ferocity of some reactions for eg destroying it. What is important to you? The 20 real years you have had together, your marriage, our child?

Or a book of photos?

I don't understand the upset. It was deliberate or thoughtless, who cares? It can't touch what you have together and what is important t you both.

And agree, if it was going to be raised as issue should have been at the time.

If you are worried about 'future generations' and you being airbrushed ??? Then do your own book for his 50th - all the photos that you love and cherish about your time together.

Doing your own book of photos of the life you've had together is a great idea - maybe for when you've been together 25years (since you only got married fairly recently, waiting for your silver wedding anniversary might be far too long!).

how hurtful

YANBU

anyone with a grain of common sense or compassion would have included you

I see you have 80 answers anyway!!!!

what a mean lady, biaaaatch I say