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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to restrict the number of family visitors the day after I gave birth?

23 replies

Vetster · 26/02/2013 00:38

My MIL believes she has a right to be upset that I turned down my BIL and SIL from visiting DD the day after I gave birth at home (I had a 22 hour labour with minor, painful complications). I couldn't cope with too many visitors all at once and wanted to spread them out. I was happy to see BIL and SIL the day after I saw PIL. Now MIL won't see us at all. DD is now 4 months old. FIL and MIL think MIL has a right to be upset with me. Was I being unreasonable? I like my BIL and SIL and we visit each other regularly. DH and I used to get on with PIL too and we even all went on holiday together.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 26/02/2013 00:41

No, she is being ridiculous. FFS you had just pushed another human being into existence. For at least the following week that makes you queen of the fucking world.

SirBoobAlot · 26/02/2013 00:42

Oh, and the only one missing out here is her, if she regularly acts in such a pathetic fashion. Four months? Jesus wept.

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/02/2013 00:44

Yanbu she sounds a nightmare- is it only her with the problem what have bil and sil said?

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 26/02/2013 00:52

Do we share a MIL?
If she's anything like mine she'll waltz back into your lives when she decides she can't be deprived of her grandchild any longer until the next time she needs to be centre of attention and then the pathetic cycle will start over again.

It gets easier with the years . Running a book on the timing and cause of the next drama helps DH and I retain our sense of humour and minimises its impact on us and the DC.

Original poster

Vetster · 26/02/2013 00:53

I text SIL the next day and she totally understood that I was so tired. She told me not to worry and that they weren't upset with me in the slightest (paraphrase). We haven't discussed it with BIL or SIL since.

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Original poster

Vetster · 26/02/2013 00:56

Yes it looks like we share a MIL! lol Not doing the cycle thing anymore. Enough is enough. I'm not having her behaviour having a lasting and damaging impact on my DD. Both me and DH really want her to change.

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BegoniaBampot · 26/02/2013 00:58

Unless you had the whole of your family visiting YANBU. Sounds fairly sensible. Carry on and don't be pushed around.

Iaintdunnuffink · 26/02/2013 01:00

Yanbu madness.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 26/02/2013 01:06

She sounds petty and childish.

Your MIL is cutting off her nose to spite her face even though the 'wronged party' was absolutely fine about you being so selfish needing a rest after a 22 hour labour.

Its maybe best your MIL is kept at arms length if thats what she is usually like.

Tezzismum · 26/02/2013 01:15

No she doesn't have the right to be upset but you do!!!! Anyone with any sense would know you need time to rest and would of happily accepted that. You told them they could come the next day so you weren't leaving it weeks and SIL wasn't upset so leave her to stew!!! Her loss!

I know you're sat there thinking that's easy to say but I had an issue with my mother and she didn't see my daughter from when she was 3 months until just after her 3rd birthday. I blamed myself the whole time despite others telling me it wasn't my fault. Now I can look back (DD is 14 soon) and see it was all her fault and her loss.

The others are right, she'll come back when she's missing her granddaughter!

Don't let it bother you! Life is too short. Good luck!

recall · 26/02/2013 01:25

YANBU....I banned ALL visitors apart from my Mum and Dad for 2 weeks after my 3rd. It is fucking ridiculous.

3 days after my 1st was born, my friend turned up with her daughter, 2 toddlers and her 13 year old autistic niece who i had never even met before. They stayed for 3 hours and it was a total nightmare.

When my son was 3 days old, my SIL brought my DH's Grandmother who had alzheimers, and the poor lady had a dreadful chest infection. I was really pissed off with SIL for being so stupid.

Original poster

Vetster · 26/02/2013 02:42

Thanks for all your responses. It's good to have confirmation that this situation is ridiculous and I've not been unreasonable in what I requested after my labour. BergoniaBampot asked if I had my whole family there. I didn't at all. Dad, Uncles, Aunties, Cousins all had to wait 9 weeks as we live miles away. My DH and my Mum (who travelled miles especially to give me extra support for the birth) came with me and DD to visit PIL. So there were 5 of us plus DD. I just didn't feel up to chatting to more than a couple of people with what I had just gone through and didn't want my baby to be pass the parcel either. I'm not a clingy mum though and I've been very willing for friends and family to hold her, even when just a few days old. It's ironic that MIL held her for 3 hours when I really just wanted to spend time cuddling my gorgeous DD I'd been carrying for 9+ months.

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LimboLil · 26/02/2013 09:18

Oh god not you are in the right and fgs don't spend precious days of your life feeling guilty. I shudder when I think what my mil was like when my first was born, and she is a nice lady, but my god it was all about her first grandchild and the she was booking visitors to my house and then having photoshoots of her with her first gc etc. I felt so guilty at the time for hating it and not letting her get her own way all the time, as if I was depriving her of her rights God it was awful. Then luckily for me her fave son got his gf at the time pregnant and she did a massive attention shift to them. Some dils might have been peeved but it was a blessed relief for me. She is a lovely lady though and I am on okay terms with her now and she would do anything to help us, but that experience will always be under the surface for me now. I am super wary.

DixieD · 26/02/2013 09:40

Have I got this right? Your MIL is upset that you asked BIL and SIL to wiat a day to visit? So upset she hasn't spoken to you in 4 months or seen her DGD? And BIL and SIL weren't and aren't in the least bit bothered. They are still in touch?
Wow she sounds like her own special brand of crazy. Just ignore her. Stupid woman.

ImAlpharius · 26/02/2013 09:46

Did she visit at your house or had you gone to hers as I couldn't quite work it out by your last post.

Original poster

Vetster · 26/02/2013 17:59

We walked round to PILs house as they live 8 mins walk away. I needed to stretch my legs as MW said I could get blood clots if I didn't get up and use them. MIL had invited BIL and SIL around without asking if it was ok with us. DH did phone and tell BIL and SIL about DDs arrival as soon as she popped out. As it turned out BIL and SIL were so busy they didn't see DD for the first couple of weeks.

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LondonNinja · 26/02/2013 18:09

There was a thread similar to this very recently, with very mixed opinion. Some were ridiculous and bemoaned the future if they were to have a DIL who refused to let certain people (i.e. an entitled MIL) to visit. Hmm.

Anyway, YADNBU. What is it with people who have no concept of personal space at such a precious and tiring time (let alone any other)?! Do not feel guilty. Your duty is to yourself and your immediate family - and everyone else can flipping well wait until you are feeling able to entertain. She sounds like a selfish old bag, frankly.

RedToothBrush · 26/02/2013 18:11

This is the THIRD thread in two days about IL's feeling like they have 'rights' to access a new baby as soon as possible after the birth.

They don't. They are rude, interfering and insensitive to even suggest or assume they do. They are only welcome when you say its ok. Not before.

Your body, your family, your terms and conditions on what you feel comfortable with.

If there is any time in life when you are allowed to be selfish and put your needs and your babies needs before the rest of your family then this is it.

Do not be made to feel guilty by anyone over it. Your MIL is being selfish, controlling and manipulative by refusing to see you now. She's also cutting her nose off to spite her face. I'd let her get on with it, until she grows up.

ImAlpharius · 26/02/2013 18:15

YANBU to not not want extra visitors, IMO YABU to tell your MIL she cannot have her DC over to her house when you are bringing your mother. Which issue is it that your mil has such a cob on about?

VenusRising · 26/02/2013 18:16

Don't give her a second thought.
And congratulations!

HeadfirstForHalos · 26/02/2013 18:51

If you told mil she couldn't have her own dd at her own houseYWBabitU. Not U enough to warrant 4 months of no contact though! I'd be a bit irked if my future dil said that, but would let it go if she had given birth the day before :)

somewherewest · 26/02/2013 19:43

YADNBU. We said in advance that we weren't having visitors for the first three days. After that our favourites were the ones who a) only stayed for an hour max b) brought cake. Interestingly they were mostly people who'd been through it themselves .

Original poster

Vetster · 27/02/2013 00:55

ImAlpharius and HeadfirstForHalos: It was MIL's DS that she wanted over at her house. As I said I really wanted to see her DS and his wife the following day and invited them over the day after we saw the PIL. Obviously my DH followed by my Mum are the closest to me, as well as my Dad. My poor DH and Mum had to support me on either side as I was being stitched up by the MW (40 hours before this fiasco). I was almost too weak to push out DD. My DH and I were in tears when my Mum left to go home, as she had been an invaluable support to us from days before the labour and after the birth. Anyway, I wish I'd arranged to see my BIL and SIL the next day instead of the PIL. I'm sure I would have got a warm welcome.

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