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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that men don't have this problem?

32 replies

Dontwanttobeabitch · 25/02/2013 20:53

Basically, I need a new job as my current employer doesn't offer me enough hours anymore.

I got a job offer with enough hours from a reasonably small business that I'd love to work for.

We have to start ttc DC2 in April. There are fertility issues so it might take a while. Or a miracle happens and I fall pregnant quickly.

I can't stop thinking about myself as horrible and immoral to potenitially fall pregnant so quickly into a new job while working for a small business. Yet, I can't put my life on hold because of ttc when we don't know how long it'll take and I have to have a job with enough hours or my family will starve (not literally but you know we'd be in financial trouble).

AIBU to be utterly upset and pissed off with the situation as men don't have the same problem? They wouldn't consider turning down a great job because the are planning a baby, would they?!

OP posts:
FeckOffCup · 25/02/2013 20:56

Don't turn down the job, you are right that you can't put your life on hold for ttc. Women fought for maternity rights at work so don't feel guilty about using them, don't businesses claim maternity pay back from the government anyway, bar any top ups to the basic pay they give you?

GloriaPritchett · 25/02/2013 20:56

DH did, it was a fabulous fabulous job but it meant it would never be at home.

GloriaPritchett · 25/02/2013 20:56

*He. Not it Blush

LynetteScavo · 25/02/2013 20:56

And you should be considering turning down a job because you are planning a baby! If you get pregnant your maternity leave is not your problem, it's your employers.

Loose the guilt!

HollyBerryBush · 25/02/2013 21:01

Small business? I hope they can afford your time off (if it should happen)

My friend worked FT for 3 years, with most of the night setting up his own business. When he was able to go solo and give up the day job he employed a woman who announced she was pregnant shortly after. He couldnt afford his wages, her wages and the temps wages and had to fold the business.

That was three of them out of work.

squeakytoy · 25/02/2013 21:04

Until the day men can get pregnant and give birth, then it really is a daft comparison.

TheCrackFox · 25/02/2013 21:04

Small businesses can claim 105% of your SMP back from HMRC.

DH owns his own small business and has one member of staff off on maternity, it really isn't a problem.

Lose the guilt and take the job.

Antidote · 25/02/2013 21:05

I have complete sympathy. But it isn't just mat leave, it is the whole business of feeling like kak for 3 months, then being too fat & fecund to do anything useful for the last 3 months. At least that's how I was with DC1.

I start my new, dream job in 3 weeks. DH managed to talk me into TTC just before Christmas, using the "it took over a year first time round & we (you) aren't getting any younger" line.

And here I am, having vomited and retched through the interview prep, the pre interview visits and the interview, I am now preparing to turn up to my team of 3 colleagues and say "I'm 15 weeks pregnant".

When I suggested to DH that we would be taking 6 months parental leave each he was massively unimpressed. Apparently it will adversely affect some rating system for the hypothetical job that he hadn't got get.

Well tough tits. His bloody sperm came bloody close to adversely affecting our future life.

Whew. Rant over. YANBU!

Original poster
Dontwanttobeabitch · 25/02/2013 21:10

That's what I thought about SMP and small businesses. That they claim it back. They can even apply for it up front.

So how does a situation like Hollys friend happen? Unless he was badly informed or only blamed his bad management onto a pregnant woman...

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 25/02/2013 21:12

Unless he was badly informed or only blamed his bad management onto a pregnant woman...

Oh dear - of course, he was a man, it was his fault Hmm

HoleyGhost · 25/02/2013 21:12

YANBU it is tough, but don't put your life on hold

LynetteScavo · 25/02/2013 21:14

What TheCrackFox says. The only problem to the employer will be if the person who covers maternity leave is not as good as their usual employee.

HollyBerryBush, there must have been more to your friends situation than one an employee on maternity leave.

Original poster
Dontwanttobeabitch · 25/02/2013 21:15

What does him having a man have to do with it now? I'm just saying he might not have been up to date with legislation regarding ML and small businesses. It could have happened to a female employer in the same way...

OP posts:
slightlysoupstained · 25/02/2013 21:15

Small employers get to claim back an additional small percentage on top of SMP as compensation for admin costs.

I know what you mean though. A few years ago I interviewed with a small co, loved the sound of it, MD was lovely & really keen. I ended up taking role from big co as I was worried about mat leave. I didn't get pregnant during that time anyway, so might as well have taken the lovely job.

Put it like this: if you're agonising like this over their welfare when you don't work for them, you're probably the sort of employee they want for the long term.

SanityClause · 25/02/2013 21:15

Ummm, HollyBerryBush SMP is entirely refundable by HMRC. So, it's still just two wages.

SanityClause · 25/02/2013 21:18

Oh, xpost

Startail · 25/02/2013 21:19

No nor the utter embarrassment DF felt when discovering she was several months PG with DC3 just after starting a new professional job.

She thinks she was PG at interview and genuinely didn't know.

It's just a situation men never have to deal with.

HollyBerryBush · 25/02/2013 21:20

www.findlaw.co.uk/law/small_business/employment_law/pay/1287.html

Yes but they dont pay it back the same week, suppliers need paying. When you are working on a small margin, the smallest thing can tip you over the edge when you only budgetted for two employees. I'm sure it all evens out at the end of the year. Factor in one or two creditors in the same position and cant pay, and its the domino factor, falling down like a house of cards.

Technoviking · 25/02/2013 21:26

Holly, if your DH couldn't really afford two salaries, he shouldn't have employed a full time employee. He could have had temp staff or gone to somewhere like peopleperhour. Employing someone full time when your business can't really afford it, makes no sense. You can't blame the pregnant woman for that!

HollyBerryBush · 25/02/2013 21:27

Technoviking

my DH?

Since when has he been stupid enough to run a business?????

ChairmanWow · 25/02/2013 21:29

Your mates business must have really been in the shit if he couldn't stretch to £124 without it being paid back immediately. In which case a slight delay in SMP recovery would be the least of his worries. Hardly the woman's fault that 3 of them were out of work. Maybe your mate decided to blame her because as a pregnant woman she was an easy target.

OP don't let this worry you. Take the job. You don't know when you'll conceive and you can't put your life on hold. If it's any consolation I found out I was pregnant the week after a promotion and aside from a couple of ignorant fools nobody batted an eyelid.

Good luck with TTC.

Wallison · 25/02/2013 21:32

Statutory maternity pay (which I would guess your friend's employee was getting) isn't all that much anyway so he wouldn't have been paying out two lots of wages. And he would have got more than the SMP back.

He sounds like a crap businessman to be honest - after all, employees do get pregnant, or get sick, or leave or all manner of things. If he couldn't cope with one person doing that, he probably wasn't making a very good fist of it in the first place.

Wallison · 25/02/2013 21:35

But yes, anyway, OP take the job. You may take a while to conceive, or you may not, but you can't go basing a decision over a concrete opportunity on 'what-ifs'.

Original poster
Dontwanttobeabitch · 25/02/2013 21:36

Holly Your friend could have applied to get SMP upfront from HMRC. All of it.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/paye/employees/statutory-pay/funding.htm

OP posts:
catlady1 · 25/02/2013 21:42

Don't worry. As others have said, the business will claim any maternity pay back so you don't need to feel guilty about that. If they couldn't afford to lose whatever your maternity pay will be just until they get it back, then they're being very silly by setting you on anyway, you could just as easily fall ill or something and be unable to work.