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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argh! Surprise party ruined.

52 replies

ToothGah · 25/02/2013 16:28

Organised a surprise party for DP's birthday on Friday, about 50 people invited.

Told everyone to be at venue for 7pm, all organised. Told him we're going out for a meal, just the two of us.

His DM has just emailed me confused to say she's spoken to DP and he's said we're going for a meal on Friday "so is his party still on or have you cancelled it?"

Oh, and she emailed this to an email address we both use, with the subject title DP's name

So of course, he's read it but is pretending he hasn't. I'm so upset I could cry.

OP posts:

peeriebear · 25/02/2013 16:57

Just email her back or call her and keep it simple.
"Why are you asking DP about his SURPRISE party? It's not a surprise any more is it?"
Even if it's an honest mistake (how?!) I'd be bloody annoyed.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 25/02/2013 16:57

What was the subject line of the email? I am not understanding why she would need to put his name into it if she wasn't trying to alert his attention.

HecateWhoopass · 25/02/2013 17:00

ok. She knows you share an email address
she knows the party is a surprise
she knows (I assume, correct me if I am wrong) that you had this meal as a cover up story
She chose to email the shared email address with his name as the heading.

If it's a mistake, I would be very surprised.

What was her view of the party? Did she think it was a fab idea? Or had she said anything about it that would lead you to believe she didn't like it/didn't think it was a good idea/didn't think he would like a surprise?

Oblomov · 25/02/2013 17:02

Most surprise parties are not THAT much of a surprise by the time you get to it. If you dh has any Davy he will have probably noticed the extra phone calls, texts et .
I know you are cross with her, but don't let that ruin. You can't change what she did now.
Besides the surprise only lasts seconds. Then you dh has a fab time with all his friends, at a great part, arranged by YOU. Enjoy.

Oblomov · 25/02/2013 17:03

Savy. If he is Savy.

Oblomov · 25/02/2013 17:05

Phone her and tell her that you are really cross.

Lafaminute · 25/02/2013 17:07

oh no!! Still, as someone who hates surprises (for this very reason: ) at least he now has time to anticipate and enjoy and be prepared to enjoy at the weekend and he probably WILL enjoy it so much more - but do keep up the pretence a)just in case and b) for the fun of it - have a great party

Original poster

ToothGah · 25/02/2013 17:11

He knows, I'm sure. He keeps asking me what's up.

Do I ask him outright if he read the email or just leave it?

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 25/02/2013 17:13

They can be, Obv. My husband arranged a surprise party for my 30th. I was oblivious. I even walked past everyone's cars on the way in to the restaurant (I thought it was us and one other couple) and didn't even notice! I was so shocked that I stared at them all and didn't recognise them!

And when one of them said "Happy birthday Hec" I replied "Happy birthday HisName"

So you never know. He may well have had no clue at all!

LunaticFringe · 25/02/2013 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateWhoopass · 25/02/2013 17:14

Does a read email not change? in mine you can tell one that's been read because before it's opened it is bolded and afterwards it isn't.

You could always say look, it's nice of you to try to pretend, but we both know you read it. Never mind though, it's the thought that counts.

HecateWhoopass · 25/02/2013 17:15

oh, never mind, I remember you said he'd said he read part of it.

NOBODY reads part of an email.

He read it.

elinorbellowed · 25/02/2013 17:15

Bless him for pretending he still doesn't know. It'll be fine, he has a bit of time to get excited now and you can carry on pretending together for fun. Then at the party you can passively aggressively say to everyone "Well, MIL nearly let the cat out of the bag!" Tinkly laugh. Silly woman.

WilsonFrickett · 25/02/2013 17:17

Just leave it, honestly. Carry on as if nothing has happened. I found out about my surprise 30th (DS had saved the restaurant on his phone as the name of the restaurant, so I guessed) but I just pretended I didn't. Sort of like when a work-mate goes off the booze 'because she's on antibiotics' and 6 weeks later she announces she's pg, you run with it and pretend not to know.

He'll still have a great time, and he'll still be surprised.

Of course you should still tell your MIL off though!

MrsSparkles · 25/02/2013 17:19

I'm sure it was just an accident. I would keep pretending and you'll still have a great time.

FWIW my husband spent ages planning our suprise honeymoon - only told a couple of people - and one of them said to me "aren't you so excited to be going to the Maldives" - despite him telling them I knew nothing. I pretended I hadn't (still to this day) heard, and it didn't ruin it one bit for me, I still loved all the effort he'd gone to, that was what mattered.

TeaTowelQueen · 25/02/2013 17:21

Don't cancel! My DH organised an amazing surprise for a 'significant' birthday for me and one of his mates accidentally blurted out 'You're going to love Paris next weekend' (he was really drunk) but I was so happy about it, I didn't let on I knew and I loved it even more as I had a bit of anticipation too....

Don't be downhearted, he will be well chuffed

BackforGood · 25/02/2013 17:27

Don't cancel - that would be ridiculous!
The party is not ruined, just some of the surprise element. He still doesn't know who you've invited / what you've planned, just that there is 'something'. Don't ask him about it, just play along and enjoy the evening on Friday.
Do tell MiL what she's done and ask her not to mention anything else to him, or put anything else in different e-mails though!

MammaTJ · 25/02/2013 18:10

I would be telling her that as she 'forgot' that it was meant to be a surprise you are concerned she is no longer able to take care of herself, so you are looking in to homes to move her in to.

DP is going along with it, so keep to your plans. It will still be a good night.

Melbourme · 25/02/2013 18:40

Oh that's crap, I'd be really sad too. But definitely go along with the surprise. Similar to MrsS above my DP organised a surprise holiday for me a few years back (in that I knew we were going on holiday, just didn't know where). He had it planned for 6 months, didn't tell a soul in case they told me by accident, and then a week before we left I rang him from a clothes shop to ask what sort of stuff I'd need and he said "make sure you have a few things that cover your shoulders, some parts of X can be quite conservative". He was gutted but I convinced him we should pretend he hadn't said anything and continue with the 'surprise' plan. We didn't let anyone know that I knew and when we got to the airport and he gave me the guidebook and I rang my mum to fill her in on where I was going it really did feel like a really brilliant surprise, and most of the time now I actually forget I knew before hand (great powers of self-delusion!) and I think my very forgetful DP has actually completely forgotten he let it slip beforehand.

thebody · 25/02/2013 18:47

I don't understand why you are upset enough to cancel! Surely that would make you as entitled and daft as your mil.. Get grip.

You have organised a lovely party and it still will be a lovely party.

You and dh will have a good laugh about this at the party and unless you definatly think mil did it on purpose then don't be mad at her, she probably got confused and made a mistake. People do don't they after all.

countrykitten · 25/02/2013 18:48

Oh you poor thing.

BUT - def do not cancel! You sound so lovely and it is a lovely thing to do for him - and he is very sweet for 'not knowing'!

Keep up the pretence and don't be down about it , be bright and breezy and look forward to it - you will have a good laugh about this after the event.

Assume that the MIL did this by accident - if she is getting on a bit, maybe she forgot? In any case,no point in being angry about it as you are the only one who loses out in that scenario.

Have a really wonderful party!

Fillyjonk75 · 25/02/2013 18:50

I'd give her a ring to tell her to keep her big mouth shut, idiot ask her did she realise DH was included in the email and that the party was a surprise?

LindyHemming · 25/02/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmmaBemma · 25/02/2013 18:53

I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, unless she's got a history of doing particularly malicious things.

I dunno if this will make you feel any better but my husband threw me a surprise party once and I found out by accident a couple of days before. I was so glad I did, I really think I'd have freaked out to find all those people in my sitting room, but I decided to keep my discovery to myself because I knew he'd be as upset as you are now. And you know what, it was a brilliant evening, and being forewarned didn't lessen at all how touched I was by the effort he'd gone to, and everyone else too.

jchocchip · 25/02/2013 19:14

Two friends of mine stopped and offered us a lift as we were walking to the restaurant for a quiet meal my surprise 40th....

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