To be peeved at my fellow hen-do planner

[BonaDea]

Urgh. I feel like a sulky teenager even writing this, but...

Planning my best friend's hen do which is taking place in the summer. She has asked me and her other friend to do this together. Me and the other friend are friendly, but only through the hen (will call her this to avoid confusion). We don't see each other except with the hen, but do get on quite well. I know that the most important thing is that the hen has an amazing time, but...

When the proces started, the hen was at pains to tell me that she had told the other planner to involve me. I guess alarm bells should have rung at that point. The hen I think wants input from both of us because we're quite different and perhaps can both bring something different.

At my suggestion, we booked a cottage rather than find a hotel for this do. She agreed this was a better idea. One of the key features I liked about the one we booked is that it has sort of mini-cinema, and I suggested that we could do a filmed 'Mr & Mrs' quiz with the groom and show the answers on the big screen. She said she thought that was a great idea - this was a few months ago, too early really to be doing anything given that the hen do is still months and months away. So, she emails me yesterday to tell me that when she and her partner saw us all last weekend, they went back to hen's house (they were staying, they live miles away) and her boyfriend filmed the quiz with the groom, it's now all ready and her boyf is editing it. I couldn't believe it. The quiz was my idea, I have worked on putting together some really funny (and ok, slightly smutty) questions, and she has just gone ahead and done this not only without getting any input from me, but also without even letting me know. I feel compeltely cheated out of doing something for my friend which she would be able to keep as a 'take away' from the weekend, and which hopefully will be a real feature of the weekend. I didn't expect to do it single handed, but thought it would be a joint effort.

I also suggested we contact one of the attendees because she lives local to where the do is and might be able to suggest some venues for the Saturday evening. The other planner agreed we should do this. But instead of us sending a joint email, she has apparently just contacted this person saying 'I'm organising the hen do, do you have any suggestions'. Again, I feel like she is just firing ahead without involving me.

The more I write, the more petty I feel, but frankly I lost sleep due to being irritated last night. AIBU? Should I gently ask that she involves me more in the future? Or should I just start elbowing my way in more forcefully?

Or you could let her get on with it, take a back seat and veto any of the ideas you think your friend won't like.

I don't quite follow. It sounds as if you've suggested things, she's gone along with it without any arguments and gone ahead, and you're upset with her.

Do you not think perhaps she thought if she'd agreed with you, that you intended her to get on with it?

I think maybe you need to be clearer about saying 'let's do x together, let me set a date, we'll meet on Sunday at 2pm and do this'.

You've had quite a lot of imput as you've basically had your way with what's to be done, so far as I can see. I can understand it's upsetting you'd wanted more imput but just based on your OP, it's difficult to follow how she was supposed to know that?

yabu, especially about the second point. Do you really expect her to consult you before she contacts someone to ask for suggestions? Were you envisiging setting up a joint email account with the other planner?

I can't really see what she is doing wrong tbh. You are discussing ideas and she is following them up, its not really like she is taking over and not consulting you at all. These are things you both agreed on.

If it bothers you that much then ask her to consult you before she follows up on any of your ideas in future.

I wouldn't be losing sleep over it.

What everyone else has said about it sounding like everything is happening exactly as you'd suggested.

About the quiz can't you just ask her what questions she asked and if there are any you'd like to include to ask to add them in?

There really doesn't need to be all this seething resentment though - just ask!

Is the real issue that you feel she's taking the credit for your ideas? I'm not having a go, I can understand why they would be annoying and I can see why you'd get irritated.

Problem is whatever you do about it you'll look petty. Rise above it I'd say.

I can't see the issue either. You're coming up with ideas, and she's putting them into action / making them happen. Sounds an ideal arrangement - you the consultant and she is doing all the graft

chairman - yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head. She is taking credit for things I've thought up and I'm annoyed because if I raise it, I look petty.

To everyone else: if I say "oooh, we could put together a Mr & Mrs quiz, come up with some funny questions then arrange one afternoon when she's out for us to go and film groom" and she says yes, great idea, I really REALLY don't expect her to just go off and do it completely excluding me.

And: there have been plenty of other ideas which are hers - I'm mentioning my ideas because she's then swept in and taken over them. Things like the venue for a meal and during the day activity have been her idea and I've agreed they sound great. I wouldn't then go ahead and book them and send an email to the group and tell them I've done it as if it were all my idea.

Maybe you'll have to let those other ones go but when you get any other good ideas do a list with her of who is going to do what. At least if she wades in again you can pull her up.

You could tell the other invitees how excited you are about the Mr and Mrs and sort of slip in that you're really proud of your great idea . Guess you just have to be careful not to make it look like point-scoring.

She sounds really infuriating. It would drive me mad!

Try not to take it to heart. Organising hen dos is a nightmare - it seems to be a process designed for people's toes to be trampled and chasing about a group of disparate people is always awkward.
If you wanted something for your friend to take away you could try something one of my hens did for me. She made up a book and everyone contributed a page. it can be anything you like, a funny story, pictures, a few people wrote down their favourite memories of things we'd done together. I was so touched and have looked at it often.
I returned the favour at her do but asked everyone to write her a letter then stuck the open envelopes into a scrap book - a bit like the Jolly Postman. I wasn't one of the organisers, I just chipped in and asked if everyone thought it was a good idea and if they'd like to join in.
If you wanted to do something like that you could just say to.the other organisers, "I'm so glad you've got the quiz sorted as I've thought of something else we could do for Hen to keep and as you're sorting the quiz , I'll get on with this. It's only fair to share out the workload. I'll email everyone tomorrow with the details.

I hope you all have fun, whatever you do.

I can see your point, and understand why you are feeling put out. This happened with the girls organising my hen do, I think it's because everyone wants to do something great and there are obviously high emotions running around of trying to make it a great hen that people's noses easily (and regularly) get put out of joint. I (as hen) had to mediate at points during the planning of mine!
Anyway I would say it sounds as though she is more proactive than you, in that whilst you have ideas she sounds like the kind of person who likes to get things done (quickly perhaps?). So instead of just suggesting things, try to adapt to her style and once you have agreed on a suggestion, immediately work out who will do what (and when) to execute it.
For example - you suggested contacting one of the attendees... it might be a good idea to say 'I will contact so and so for some ideas on venues'

I may be miles off but I have found some people like to take their time and some people like to tick things off. If shes the latter I don't think she is trying to step on your toes at all, she is just being efficient.

From my experience, whilst I valued the effort that went into planning my hen by all of the girls, I wasn't giving individual pats on the head for who planned what or who planned the most. Therefore all effort/ideas etc will be appreciated by your hen regardless of who did each little bit. Just try to enjoy it!