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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think XP is bullshitting me at every turn.

21 replies

grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 11:59

Apparently works cash-in-hand at a pub, which I seriously doubt (I know he works there, it's the payment I'm sceptical about.) Always has an excuse for why he can't give me money, why he can't see DS etc, then I find out he's done things like go away for a weekend with his new gf. If he can manage that, surely he can manage to give me a small amount of money and see DS regularly?

Am at the end of my tether, just trying to sort through all the lies. This pathetic excuse for a man insisted on a DNA test when DS was born, and wanted to be named on the birth certificate, and now he can't be bothered to take care of his son. It would be easier to cut ties, but I said I would never deny him access, and he does occasionally come through.

Any idea what I can do? I am just so tired of his bullshit.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 25/02/2013 12:00

Have you been to the CSA?

AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:02

CSA his ass, pronto

The disengage completely

AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:03

*then

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:07

Have tried the CSA, but he falls off the grid - quits his job, moves out of wherever he's living, doesn't claim any benefits. Unfortunately, when they can't trace him and he has (supposedly) zero income, there's nothing they can do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:09

Then cut all ties, and cut all contact

Deadbeat dads have no place in their children's lives

What have you, and more importantly your dc, got to lose exactly ?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/02/2013 12:10

wow! What a catch you had?! demanded a DNA test, wanted to be on birth certificate, doesnt think he needs to contribute more than sperm to be a father.

Think yourself lucky that you and your baby had a narrow escape from such a shit role model.

Unfortunately in situations like this - when he is a fuckwit, deadbeat dad - you have to disengage and just get on with life, doing the best you can for you and the baby.

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:13

It is time I cut my losses, isn't it? If after three years (four if you count pregnancy, which he wasn't around for) he still hasn't stepped up, he's not going to, is he?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:16

No, he isn't

Just cut him loose

if you stop making the effort, he will squawk a bit in an attempt to keep up the pretence for himself and whatever woman he is currently romancing that he is simply a misunderstood guy

then he will melt away like the waste of oxygen he is

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:21

And he can't do anything legally? I said he could be named on the birth certificate, but he never bothered, so he has no parental rights? My biggest fear is him trying to get custody. I doubt he'd manage, but he has form for claiming his ex's are all kinds of mental.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:26

There is no chance on earth he could get custody, so don't even think that

You say he isn't named on the BC ?

Even if he was, let him take you to court. He will threaten to, possibly, but call his bluff

These deadbeat fuckwits spout a lot of hot air, but the family courts (if it even got that far, which I very much doubt) take very little notice of it

Stop listening to him love, he's an arsehole

imtheonlyone · 25/02/2013 12:27

I wouldn't worry about him going for Custody. It would cost him an arm and a leg to start with - and if he's not named on the birth certificate then I think I am right in saying that he has no parental responsibility. That aside, I don't see why they would choose that your DS should live with his dad (who is always moving, doesn't hold down a job, drifts in and out of his life etc) over you who has always been there for your DS.
Sorry to hear he is such an arse - my XH is not much better, sees his kids but doesn't pay me any maintenance! Don't know where these men get the front for it. Do whatever is best for you and your DS. Kids need stability and routine and to know they are loved. Your DS is not getting that from his deadbeat dad at all. Good luck.

Bogeyface · 25/02/2013 12:29

If he isnt named on the BC then he would have to go to court to get parental responsibility (note, it is called responsibility not rights, there is a huge difference). That would take time, effort and money, none of which he will want to put in.

Let him huff and puff but you and I both know that his whingeing will come to nothing.

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:32

You're all completely right. I don't know why I even asked, I guess it's just nice to have confirmation.

Thank you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:35

You can ask whatever you like Smile

Sometimes you just need to talk something out, and get some validation Smile

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:43

Yeah. Now I just have to prepare for the inevitable confrontation, because he will kick up a fuss.

I'll update once I calmed down after :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 12:48

Who does all the contacting and setting up of contact ?

if it's mostly you, simply stop doing it and see how long it takes him to notice

when he does, say you have now stopped doing what is actually his responsibility

if you still are ok with some contact...make sure it suits you and stop facilitating it

slatternlymother · 25/02/2013 12:49

Meh, if he's not on the BC then there's not much he can do, that won't take up a lot of time and effort. And he's proven he's not up for that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm so sorry he's not paying for his child Angry
But most of all, I'm sorry that he's such a deadbeat, dodging his responsibilities, that his son is going to miss out on a father figure. double Angry

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 25/02/2013 12:53

Thankfully, current DP is a wonderful role model, so DS won't be losing out.

It's about 50/50 on contact, although his half is mostly excuses. Still, might be worth just ignoring my phone when he calls.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 25/02/2013 12:53

Grumpy why should there be a confrontation? Just stop getting in touch with him and see what happens.

He will probably kick up a fuss at first and threaten court etc but will soon melt away when he realises the effort and cost involved. Let him throw his toys out of his pram, and smile at his tantrums. Not your problem anymore!

Ilovesunflowers · 25/02/2013 13:08

My friend is going through this at the moment. It might be worth asking CAB for advice. She has her appointment with them next week. In the meantime she is keeping all texts where he has cancelled having their child/has let her down. She is doing screen shots on facebook whenever he mentions things to do with money e.g. buying a car, going on holiday etc so she has evidence that he has money.

She is not contacting him at all because she'd rather her child had no contact with someone who let's them down all the time and doesn't provide anything financially for the child (despite being able to afford holidays and a car etc).

He is self employed so basically does cash in hand so there is no proof of his earnings for CSA. She thanks her lucky stars that she decided to not name him on the birth certificate as he was in denial through her pregnancy. Turns out she was right about him. Stay strong and do what is best for your child - not for a dead beat parent who doesn't understand his responsibilities.

CarnivorousPanda · 25/02/2013 13:27

Just wondering if the Inland revenue know about his little Job?

And contact CSA too.

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