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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go mental about exH trying to get DD to call new gf mummy?

27 replies

alisunshine29 · 25/02/2013 11:09

Have been separated for over three years. ExH has a young (22) girlfriend of a year. He doesn't want to take time off work to have DD in school holidays as he likes to save his holidays for trips abroad with his girlfriend. She is training to be a teaching assistant and so is off in school holidays and I think he had it in his mind that girlfriend ould have DD in holidays to reduce CSA payments. From what I can gather, girlfriend isn't keen to do that - understandable as exH works away so wouldn't see DD at all. In an effort to get his girlfriend to look after DD (and to try and piss me off no doubt) he's been trying to encourage DD who's 5 to call his girlfriend mummy. DD isn't upset or confused about it, she just thinks he's an idiot. ExH apparently keeps telling girlfriend DD 'needs' her and in my opinion seems to be guilting her into staying with him. DD says he'll buy her stuff if she'll call girlfriend mummy and exH himself has commented how people assume girlfriend is DD's mum-not sure how seeing as as she looks more like exHs daughter! AIBU to ignore his ridiculous behaviour rather than kick off about it when realistically there's not much I can do about it other than reassure DD?

OP posts:

BambieO · 25/02/2013 11:14

Ignore and do as you are doing. By the sounds of it your DD has no intention of calling the gf 'mummy' so he is just making himself look foolish all round and the gf probably wants to run a mile anyway!

xigris · 25/02/2013 11:25

I agree with Bambieo. You sound very sensible and down to earth; characteristics which you seem to have passed onto your DD. Have to say that by the sounds of it, the girlfriend will probably do a runner in the not that distance future anyway! I also think you're very entitled to be RAGING I certainly would be! But realistically I do think ignoring it is the best policy but obviously keeping a close eye on your DD's emotional well being. If she seems to be upset by it then that's probably the time to take action.

Bejeena · 25/02/2013 11:33

It sounds like the girlfriend is sensible about all this too, she doesn't want to have your DD in the holidays and assume she doesn't want to take over the role as mother either. Is expressing your concerns about DD and how this might 'confuse' her directly with the GF yourself an option?

Tryharder · 25/02/2013 11:40

He seriously thinks that your DD should spend holidays in the sole care of a random girlfriend rather than with either of her parents.

FFS.

You are being more reasonable than I, OP. I actuallly think you need to bite this in the bud now before he gets more loopy.

HerbyVore · 25/02/2013 11:43

I would be so tempted to laugh at him and warn him how, due to this ridiculous behavior, his own daughter thinks he's an idiot.

Catsdontcare · 25/02/2013 11:46

I think you sound very level headed. It sounds like his young girlfriend is more mature than him too. Personally I would sit back and let him continue to act like a dick and I dare say his girlfriend will tire of him soon enough.

Sidge · 25/02/2013 11:50

I think you're being a bit too calm actually. I wouldn't kick off but I'd be making it quite explicit to exH that 1, he is not leaving DD in the care of his girlfriend whilst he works and 2, his gf is NOT your child's mother and is not to be referred to as such.

If you're too calm he may take your calmness as acquiescence and continue with his ridiculous plans.

Bogeyface · 25/02/2013 11:50

Presumably you havent agreed to this plan? I mean, if you say no then she wont be going will she?

iseenodust · 25/02/2013 11:52

I can see a scenario when the three are out somewhere and your ex says 'go with mummy' and your DD says loudly 'she's not my mummy'. Cue security.

Meanwhile, I admire your restraint.

pigletmania · 25/02/2013 12:26

What a stupid knobhead. Plying with your dd emotions like that, neither dd or girlfriend are happy with this. Stand your ground and take no flack from him

atthewelles · 25/02/2013 12:40

Your 5 year old sounds like she has more sense than your ex.

Jestrin · 25/02/2013 12:49

I admire your restraint too! As Pigletmania said, stand your ground.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 25/02/2013 14:47

The gf is also calling herself mummy but she just wants to spend her time off with her friends and not DD. If she agreed to have DD there would be nothing I could do about it unfortunately; it's up to exH who cares for her in his time.

OP posts:

Hoopsadazy · 25/02/2013 14:57

If he is away a lot, consider calling the gf and discussing with her? Tell her that you are a bit upset, 'obv the separation is always hard on the child and since you are not her mother she's a bit confused about what your role in this is? It's not normal for a step-mother to be called 'mum' by a step child. Btw, when are the two of you getting married? Only, obv I wouldn't want DD to invest so much time and emotional energy into a relationship with you without that sort of guarantee that you'll be around for her whooooooole life. Altho, of course, getting married doesn't mean you'll stick together does it? I should know manic laughing!'
Or, you know, something like that. Put a bit of the frighteners on her. I think it is shitty and v uncalled for. No child should ever be told to call step parents anything other than their names. If child wants to, that's fine and many kids will fall naturally into a 'mum' or 'dad' by accident when and if they feel that person is doing that role.

Sound like you are wise not to be with this man, but I please try to get him to think about his child's feelings as she'll be affected for life as it is.

BigPigLittlePig · 25/02/2013 15:05

We had this in reverse - dsd's mum started telling dsd that she had to call her new bf (now husband) "daddy x". When this became apparent to us, with dsd asking why she suddenly had 2 daddies, it was up to us to explain about step-parents, but that you only ever have ONE mummy & ONE daddy. Words were had with dh's ex and things have all blown over.

I would never expect dsd to call me mum - not something I am comfortable with, nor do I want her to. She has a mum already. So does your dd OP, put your foot down!

AlfalfaMum · 25/02/2013 15:15

His behaviour is ridiculous, and the buying stuff for DD if she calls GF mum is a bit creepy. Yuck.
Yeah, not much you can do other than reinforce to DD that he's being very silly on this particular issue. You might also recommend she says, "But I already have a mummy!" and puts them in their place herself.
You could have a little chat with his GF, but you will probably be dismissed as the crazy ex.

Bogeyface · 25/02/2013 15:51

Actually it isnt up to him.

A court would not expect you to send your DD to her fathers if her father isnt going to be there AT ALL, not even in the evening or morning. I would refuse to send her unless he was there taking care of her. LEt him take you to court if he wants to.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 25/02/2013 16:28

He would lie about being there though and can prove his work are flexible about travelling - he just chooses not to use the flexibility because he prefers free hotel food and gym at work. Don't have girlfriends number and seeing as she's only ever glared at me and never responded when I've said hello I don't think she'd be very receptive to a chat.

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 25/02/2013 18:47

In common with herby I laughed at this. What a twat! It's so ludicrous. I suspect I might not find it so funny in RL though and ex might well be sporting a permanent blown back hair style from the heat of my wrath.

Your dd clearly realises what an idiot he his. Pretty sure it won't be long before his GF is off too.

MamaBear17 · 25/02/2013 19:33

This guy needs a slap.

Snazzynewyear · 25/02/2013 19:38

So if you suspect this is happening, ring every evening and ask to speak to him on the landline, you can document that he is never there. Hopefully it won't come to that. He is behaving ridiculously but fortunately your DD seems well aware of that. I'd also doubt how long the relationship will last if the gf keeps being pressured to be an unpaid childcarer at her age.

MammaTJ · 25/02/2013 20:02

It sounds like you, your DD have his measure and the GF won't last long due to wanting to have a life of her own, not one that runs around his wishes.

Carry on as you are, you are doing well.

Whocansay · 25/02/2013 20:11

Crikey alisunshine29! You really do pick some wankers! Thankfully, your DD clearly has his number. But I wouldn't want some random gf looking after my child no matter what she was called.

Remotecontrolduck · 25/02/2013 21:32

You have the patience of a saint, and your DD is clearly more mature than her father...

Try being firm if he persists, tell him no his girlfriend isn't having her in the holidays, that doesn't work for you or her, no arguments, it's not up for discussion. She's his daughter, he looks after her if she is round his. Though to be honest, it sounds like she's going to see sense do a runner anyway before long so you wont have to worry. He sounds a bit mad!

rodandtheemu · 25/02/2013 21:36

What a knob!(DF) And what a sensible little girl you have, well done you xx

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