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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite anybody of my family to my wedding?

25 replies

Phosphene · 24/02/2013 22:25

I am getting married soon and I need to decide whom to invite to my wedding and whom not. I have a very difficult relationship to my family, especially my stepfather and my mother. I was kicked out by my stepfather two months after my 17th birthday in the middle of the big without any help etc. My family is well-off hence why I didn't get any financial help at all and all that I could do was dropping out of school and moving abroad where I started working and got the qualifications needed to be able to go to university. Yes, I was a difficult teenager but the situation at home wasn't easy with my stepfather. My mother does whatever he tells her to do, she needs to ask for his permission first for everything and in six years abroad she wasn't allowed to visit me once.

Anyway, other members of my family haven't been very supportive, rather the opposite and they can not understand my decision to move to another country and blame me for being kicked out etc.

My partner has an amazing family and of course they will all attend the wedding despite living in Australia which makes me very sad and it is embarrassing for me to not be able to invite anybody of my family.

Sorry for grammar and spelling. Tipping from my iPad and I am in tears.

OP posts:

SmilingHappyBeaver · 24/02/2013 22:28

Could this be an opportunity to draw a line under it and start a fresh? In which maybe invite all your family and take it from there?

SmilingHappyBeaver · 24/02/2013 22:28

In which "case"

MamaMumra · 24/02/2013 22:38

for you. I'd say YANBU but will there be repercussions and will not inviting your family affect the relationship with them?

How would you feel having no family at your wedding? And would it ruin your day if they were to attend?

Quilty · 24/02/2013 22:42

Maybe you should invite them and see if they want to come? Might be a good time to put the past behind you?

on the other hand, if you think they are likely to ruin your big day then I wouldn't invite them!

Original poster

Phosphene · 24/02/2013 22:42

My stepfather and my mother are known for ruining family gatherings, especially under the influence of alcohol. I can't say yes you can come, but don't drink. It is hard for me to draw a line, because so much happened in the past and I can't forgive or forget what has happened. Of course I would be sad not to have any family there.

OP posts:

Ruprekt · 24/02/2013 22:46

Do you have much contact with them now? Do they know you are getting married?

If they are going to spoil things by getting drunk I can see why you would not want them there but I wonder if you might regret it.

Original poster

Phosphene · 24/02/2013 22:48

They don't know that I am getting married. I don't have much contact to them. Yes, that is my biggest worry that I will regret it one day.

OP posts:

discrete · 24/02/2013 22:48

Any chance you can get married in Australia?

Original poster

Phosphene · 24/02/2013 22:57

We don't want to get married in Australia. Partner's family is Australian but he was raised and born in London.

OP posts:

Quilty · 24/02/2013 23:05

Really feel for you, what an awful decision to have to try and make. It sounds as though they really don't deserve to have you feeling so upset over this. If they aren't part of your life then there's no reason why they should be there. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 07:47

No, doesn't sound too harsh at all. I only slept four hours last night over this, still undecided. I would love my mother there, but she isn't allowed to come without my stepfather.

OP posts:

Sugarice · 25/02/2013 08:12

I wouldn't invite them and wouldn't regret it either. However I'm a person who would remember the hideous times and being abandoned, especially my Mother not helping me when I was 17 years old would leave me incredibly bitter.

TheFallenNinja · 25/02/2013 08:15

If you invite them you open up the problem of if they decline, it seems you've built your own life on your own in spite of them.

Why give them the opportunity to snub you?

TheNebulousBoojum · 25/02/2013 08:17

Your wedding should be a day of joy and happiness, setting you both up for a new life together. So only invite people who will enable that to happen.
I couldn't include them, family should be there for you, however challenging a teenager you are.

prettybird · 25/02/2013 08:23

Before you make a decision, read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (you can get it in a free download from pdfbook.co.ke/details.php?title=Toxic%20Parents&author=Susan%20Forward&category=Family%20%7C%20Relationships&eid=2839&type=Book. It might help you come to terms with the fact that the best and healthiest thing for you is not to invite them and that there is no changing the fact that they (both your stepfather and your mother) weren't the parents that you deserved, both as a teenager and now.

Appreciate the fact that you have a new family via your dh-to-be that like you for who you are.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 25/02/2013 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

senua · 25/02/2013 08:31

One step at a time.
You haven't told them that you are getting married yet. Tell them the news - congrats btw - and see how they react. Get some flow going (or not) Then decide whether to invite (or not).

PessaryPam · 25/02/2013 08:32

Don't invite them. It should be a joyous day, not fraught with unresolved angst. As the parents it's up to them to make the 1st move, if they haven't then there is no relationship to salvage. Concentrate on your new family and your future. And have a hug.

someoftheabove · 25/02/2013 08:37

We only invited immediate family (parents and siblings) from both sides - the rest were friends. This was mainly because of the kind of wedding we wanted - we paid for everything ourselves, we wanted it all vegetarian (so that ruled out my grandmother) and we got married in a registry office (that ruled her out again). Luckily for me, my older sister had got married six weeks before us, and she did have the big do, so that box was already ticked for most of our rellies!

Wishfulmakeupping · 25/02/2013 08:38

I don't think you should invite them if it feels wrong and you'll be worried about their behaviour it will spoil the special day for you and your OH- I personally wouldn't feel bad about not inviting them it's your day. And congratulations

ArbitraryUsername · 25/02/2013 08:42

Don't feel bad at all for not inviting these people to your wedding. It reflects badly on them and them alone. You should be celebrating with the important people in your life; don't feel obliged to invite people just because you share some DNA/they married your mother.

ArbitraryUsername · 25/02/2013 08:44

None of my BIL's family attended my sister's wedding. I don't actually know why (I assume for visa reasons). BIL didn't seem bothered by it, so there was no reason to think anything was amiss.

prettybird · 25/02/2013 08:54

Also, a good friend once said to me when I asked her for advice about whether or not to invite family to a particular event (not as big as a wedding though): "Life is too short to have people around who are going to mean that you are worrying about how they will react"

A wedding is even more important - you need to be able to relax and enjoy yourself and the moment.

It certainly sounds like if they were there, you wouldn't be able to do that, so that means you shouldn't invite them.

I'm not even sure you should tell them you are getting married.

Original poster

Phosphene · 25/02/2013 12:56

prettybird

Thanks for recommending the book to me. I downloaded it to my Kindle and started reading it.

OP posts:

FakePlasticLobsters · 25/02/2013 13:11

I read the Toxic In-Laws book, as my in-laws are the problem, but I also read the Toxic Parents one to get a bit of an idea of what my DH might have felt/gone through, as he rarely speaks about his parents and they are very toxic.

Both are well worth a read and one of the things I liked about Susan Forward is that she doesn't think you need to forgive someone who has hurt you and made you unhappy before you can move on from that hurt and unhappiness.

I agree with that, and I agree with Prettybird and her friend when they say life is too short.

I wouldn't invite them either and I doubt I would tell them I was getting married. You have the right to enjoy a happy, relaxed wedding day without worrying about what they might say or do and without feeling all churned up about the past.

I might write to them afterwards, but certainly not before.

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