First day home with PFB. AIBU about upsetting midwife visit?

[toomuchribbon]

My DH and I are just home from
hospital with our wonderful new baby boy, DC1 born 3 days ago.

We got home last night; I had an EMCS after a long labour in which his heartrate dropped. At 10.30am this morning the door bell rang and it was the community midwife for our first visit just as he had settled for sleep for the first time in hours and hours.

She didn't introduce herself, simply said but "it's 10.30am, it's not early to be awake" (?!), then asked why I still looked pregnant so did she "have the right patient" (?!) and then didn't know I had had a CS. She then refused to leave! Her manner and everything she said couldn't have been more unprofessional or actually shockingly plain rude; it was actually like some kind of parody.

We asked her to come back another day, provisionally agreeing tomorrow.
Before she left I offered her the chance to see our DS sleeping upstairs so that she could be reassured he is ok and she was happy about that.

Do we have to let her back here again or can we do the checks at the GP's instead? If we do have to have a community midwife visit, AIBU to call the central service and ask for another midwife instead?

My milk is just coming in and between the CS pain and after pains I appreciate I am probably not at my kindest but she was really unbelievable.

Its best to have the MW checks, it really is. But, if you feel that you dont want to see this MW again (and frankly, I dont blame you!) then ring your local hospital and ask to speak to the supervisor of midwives. Tell her what happened and that you are unhappy about her behaviour and will she please make sure that you dont see her again.

I had to do this when I was pg with #4 and it was fine. Congratulations :)

Fingers crossed you get a different mw tomorrow each visit i had after dc3 was a different mw so it's not unheard of. I would also do as Bogey says and make a complaint theres no excuse for her being rude like that

She sounds ridiculous, she should know better. But you will see midwives and Health Visitors and you may get phone calls from breast feeding support people if that applies to you over the next couple of weeks. Then they will bugger off and leave you alone. But do complain and ask for someone with more sensitivity than a breeze block to do the next visit. Congratulations on your baby!

Not bu at all. Do as per response 1. Unfortunately I've done this too. After an emc after induction. Some midwives are frankly shockingly bad. Some are great, you are quite entitled to wait til you find a decent one especially as this person will be in your house for some time over first couple of weeks. Added to that if bfing, could be more if u need help. Do not be afraid to be assertive.

See you on the bf boards! Congrats!!!! :)

Maybe she's covering Sunday and you can ask for another MW tomorrow.
But by law they have to visit you (I remember being told that if you go to a relatives house after discharge you have to tell them otherwise the Police will be involved looking for you)

She does sound brusque but some people are. Remember she's seen thousands of babies, this is brand new and unique for you (aside from the pain and shock and responsibilty).

She might not have had all your details (my MW thought my baby DD had been C/Sectioned because she had a beautifully rounded head. No, she just shot out, no time to squish her).

See what tommorrow brings. Enjoy your first days with your new bundle of joy .

Did you know she was coming? IME both MWs and HVs called at least a day before and gave you a rough idea of when to expect them.

Regardless of that though, she sounds rubbish - she should at least have spent a minute reading your notes before chapping your door!

I didn't have any midwives visit me at home, DD was premature and so I just got a red book posted through the letterbox.

Sorry you had such a bad experience.

However having been a community midwife, where I am we have less midwives on and so not uncommon to have 5 midwives covering the whole city. As such we have to visit all women and babies discharged the previous day and in our area also do day 5 visits for neonatal screening and weigh. We may have other visits as well such as antenatal women who need regular blood pressure checks etc.

Therefore when all the work has been counted up (we work in teams) sometimes one midwife will have less than another therefore will take on some of her/his work hence it may not be a midwife you have met before.

Once all the work has been allocated we tend to then try and plan our visits on a geographical basis although sometimes this also has to be jiggled about a bit ie if woman has been discharged but baby is still in SCBU she may have requested an early visit so she has rest of day to go and spend with her baby.

Therefore someone has to be the first visit of the day ( I would not visit before 9.00 am but after that I would (therefore to me 10.30 is not early although I understand your circumstances and have sometimes woken people up). Furthermore with a caseload of 10 visits or more (as is often the case) it is not practical to "pop back later in day" as we would be working well beyond our official finish time (although we do often work over).

Re not having all the details - this can often happen for a number of simple reasons - ie may have just been a name and address in diary for visit etc esp if she was helping out another areas visits - often we get call during day with extra visits - often only get name, contact details and how old baby is.

Hopefully you will get a different midwife next visit - maybe one you met antenatally. You can ring and ask for another midwife - this is not uncommon (for various reasons) and is usually accommodated no problems. It is likely to be difficult to get the checks at your GPs as in most areas midwives only drop in for clinics (usually full clinics to boot) and therefore you wouldn't necessarily be able to be seen on appropriate day ie Day 5 for Neonatal Screening Tests etc.

Enjoy your PFB and rest when you can!

She asked you why you still looked pregnant? Cheeky mare! Never mind that I thought it took longer to "deflate" after a CS, I know I was still looking about 6-7 months gone at 3 days postnatal with a VB.

Another vote in favour of Bogeyface's suggestion of ringing the hospital. If you can sound reasonable (just in case of hormones), maybe try and phrase it that you thought that the midwife didn't seem to be prepared for her visit (unaware of CS, etc) and you thought that you might have had a call in advance to check it was ok. I'm sure my MW called me - DD was in SCBU for her first week and the MW called me directly to check when DD was getting out and would 10/11am (or whatever time she suggested) be an ok time for her to visit. I even had a call from my allocated HV on the SCBU ward asking how DD's was doing the morning before she was transferred back to our local hospital and to arrange her first home visit. Considering the many things I've read on MN, I think I was lucky.

Just to say I agree with the other posters to call and make sure you get someone else next, there is no value to anyone in seeing someone you can't trust because they've been rude and offensive.

Call, complain, ask for someone else.

She sounds rude and unprofessional tbh.

My pfb was tiny & fed very often.

Often a 7am feed, after which we´d both sleep until 11am-sometimes that was the most hrs sleep I got all in one go & I really needed it!

Heavens, OP was only out of hospital the day before-& she was up and about!

I'd request another MW-& explain why.

I´d be hard pushed to tell her about any concerns or ask any advice.

She sounds lovely

IME the midwives usually come in the morning, but not before 9 so they can fit everyone in and do their afternoon surgeries too.

Maybe she was weekend cover. We had different ones on Sundays but usual MW during weekdays.

If she's no better tomorrow ring the hospital.

Don't be tempted to deny her access though. You need to make sure you're being looked after properly and don't want to drop out of the system.

Congratulations on DS though

The midwives after you leave hospital are wankers. This one sounds worse than most.

Mine kept not turning up, leaving me waiting all day, then blaming other people when I complained.

Then they were cunts about his weight gain. I was delighted when they discharged us.

Congratulations on your baby xx

I agree she didn't need to be a cow - I always apologise if I have woken someone up - in fact I normally apologise profusely for disturbing them at any time (yes I am the midwife that can do three visits in a row and each time the poor woman is eating - one grabbing a late breakfast , the next a brunch and the next on Sunday dinner ).

as for the "still look pregnant " comment - that is totally uncalled for and rude - yes check that the uterus is contracting down and that there is not any problems regarding lochia (bleeding) and ability to empty bladder but no need to be so rude. (Although again there have been a couple of occasions when covering antenatal clinic when I have had to "play for time" to establish who was the pregnant lady - once two very pregnant women came in - one was acting as interpreter, and on another occasion I had woman, her equally pregnant sister and very pregnant friend at booking appt (the very pregnant friend kept chipping in with some "advice" and I very nearly had to ask her to leave as she was delaying the appointment - got through it ok in the end).

I often introduce myself as "the midwife" to a woman I've never met before and if I am covering another area - however have very large ID badge - complete with obligatory unflattering photo around my neck - and always print and sign my name on records so they know who I was if they choose to complain. If it is someone I am likely to see several times I tend to introduce myself

I would ask for another midwife as she was rude. However, I don't think you can expect them to come at your convenience. You knew they would come at some point that day and many people would be glad it was earlier as you have the rest of the day.

I waited in all day on a Saturday 5 days post-partum to have my stitches removed. The midwife turned up at 7.30pm and still had 3 calls to do, she had been out since 8.30am. I assumed by 5pm she wasn't coming. I offered tea and cake as she was lovely but obviously knackered.

she sounds pretty horrible! so you can be sure that you weren't unreasonable in thinking so.

you stood up well to the challenge, though. i'd just try to look at her as an interesting opponent in a game you have to play. see if you can get her to do something useful like make you a cup of tea.

when she's gone, forget her.

Why the hell do people like this MW go into the profession when they are obviously not people persons? Beats the hell out of me. I would complain and refuse to see her again. Eventually someone higher up will realise she is crap and thus spare other vulnerable women her tender loving care.

Thanks so much everyone; I feel better now

Stoatie, you sound lovely, wish you were my MW!

fuckwittery, thanks, v heartening!

With one thing and another this morning I didn't get round to calling the Supervisor of Midwives but I'm trying to be relaxed and as mrsbunnylove said above, just try to see her as yet another part of the game; plan to smile, keep things simple and then not think about her again.

Do complain about what she said, hopefully she will get some guidance in people skills. Hopefully next visits will be with nicer midwives?

YANBU definitely.

you can ask to have a different midwife doing the checks - the whole thing about midwives is that they always deal with hormonal women, so they really need a good bedside manner.
not even knowing t hat you had a CS is bad, and to tell you that 10:30am isn't early! is shocking.
one day, my MW came at about 12ish and checked with me that it was okay because it was till a bit early in the day.

I can see why you can't get a booked time given the caseload but I don't think it would BU for the MW to text or phone when they are setting off (e.g. call next client when leaving previous one) to give the client a chance to get up/dressed/quickly choke the rest of their meal down...even British Gas can manage that!

I think maybe MWs should bear in mind that while they do this stuff all the time the vast majority of us only have one or two babies and don't know how it all works..and it is pretty unusual any other time in life to have random HCPs doorstepping you without notice.