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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to toilet train MIL's dog?

27 replies

WooftoU2 · 24/02/2013 09:40

I've name changed as some people in real life know my posting name.

MIL has a dog, about six years old now, that she treats like a baby. I find it a bit irritating at times, but generally it doesn't affect anyone so none of my business.

However, recently the dog has developed some toilet issues. The vet and dog behaviourist, I think that's what she's called, have both agreed it is a behavioural issue rather than illness. She was telling me yesterday about how they took the dog to a restaurant and dog pooed twice indoors. She said she was worried that the owner would see and ask them to leave but luckily she picked them up in time so the were able to stay for the rest of the meal! The dog had walked away from the table and it was near other people eating. I was quite shocked that they hadn't left after the first incident.

And last week she was complaining to me about how her sister won't let them visit with the dog until she can be sure he won't wee and poo in their house again. The sister has three dogs herself so should understand that he needs to be trained, apparently. On their last visit there he went to the toilet inside the house at least ten times, on carpet as well as hard floors, so sister was understandably a bit upset. MIL didn't inform her sister about the problems before the visit and refuses to use absorbent puppy training pads as it will embarrass the dog MIL says that she didn't think it was a problem as her sister has dogs (who are fully house trained!).

Now PIL are coming to lunch next weekend and MIL is expecting to bring the dog. This is their first visit to us in our new home together and we did not invite the dog. We live in a carpeted flat with no outdoor space. I assumed, rather foolishly, that if we hadn't specifically invited the dog they would not bring him. They live less than half an hour away and often leave him for longer than their visit will take when they go to other events. There is no reason they can't leave him. I tried to explain to MIL that we don't want the dog going to the toilet in our new flat and that we have nowhere outside for him to go but she thinks we are being very unreasonable and as family we have a responsibility to help him with his behavioural issues.

DP agrees with me but I'll admit we are both a bit touchy after she compared the dog's toilet issues to my recent diagnosis with a life limiting genetic condition so I don't know if we are being unreasonable. None of my family have dogs so I'm not used to these situations. AIBU to not allow the dog in our flat?

OP posts:

twinklesparkles · 24/02/2013 09:43

Yanbu

I wouldn't have it in my flat

Since when have dogs been allowed in restaurants

Shinyshoes1 · 24/02/2013 09:43

Seriously ??

I'd say no dog end of. If they don't like it they don't come simple as that

glenthebattleostrich · 24/02/2013 09:44

YANBU, her dog so she needs to deal with the issue. Tell your DP to tell his mother that the dog is not welcome. Oh and not being arsed to train your dog properly is in no way like a genetic condition the silly moo.

Bluebell99 · 24/02/2013 09:48

I would say the dog wasn't welcome and cancel the lunch if she insists on bringing him. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I know that some people treat dogs like people but she is being ridiculous to expect everyone else to feel the same about him.

SPBInDisguise · 24/02/2013 09:48

"she compared the dog's toilet issues to my recent diagnosis with a life limiting genetic condition"
the woman is barking. Tell her you simply do not have the energy or patience to be cleaning up the dog's mess, you do not want this inside your house.

ChasedByBees · 24/02/2013 09:49

Absolutely no way should that dog come to your house and at her comparison.

Original poster

WooftoU2 · 24/02/2013 09:49

twinklesparkles it's probably more of a gastro pub than a restaurant, although they were in the restaurant part rather than the bar.

Thank you everyone, I thought maybe we were being insensitive. It's all quite new and I don't want a terrible relationship with MIL but equally don't want to be completely taken advantage of! :)

I will get DP to phone and tell her again, no dog, as last time she kept asking what he thought, as though I was just pretending we both agreed.

OP posts:

vamosbebe · 24/02/2013 09:49

Yanbu. If they don't want to leave the dog, then stay at home. If mil doesn't want to train her dog then she's going to miss a lot of family time.

If you don't want to rock the boat and say 'no', then your DH should as it's his dm!

(She sounds nuts!)

EndoplasmicReticulum · 24/02/2013 09:49

Your husband needs to phone them, today, and say that the dog is not welcome. After that it's up to them - they can either come without it or not at all.

DontmindifIdo · 24/02/2013 09:51

Say no, get your DP/H to call her and say if she can't garentee the dog won't piss on the carpet you don't want the dog in yoru flat, so you can either meet her elsewhere if she knows a restaurant that's dog friendly (and won't throw you all out if said dog starts pissing in the corner) or you can come to her, or she can come without the dog, or she can bring the dog, but if it wets anywhere on the carpet, you will be having the carpets professionally cleaned and expect her to pick up the bill (I'd assume about £100). And no, her just mopping it up won't do.

diddl · 24/02/2013 09:51

You don´t have to have any dog in your house-even ones that won't shit whilst there!

And a dog in a restaurant??

Is that allowed in UK?

Isityouorme · 24/02/2013 09:53

Dogs aren't allowed in restaurants or pubs in the uk .....

Yamyoid · 24/02/2013 09:59

Is your MiL familiar with Toxocariasis? It is found in dog poo and stays in the ground if not cleaned up properly. I can't believe she didn't tell the restaurant staff so they could disinfect the floor. Utterly revolting.
Yanbu at all, you need to stand firm. She is unreasonable.
Sorry to hear of your diagnosis, she sounds completely insensitive and self-absorbed.

Yamyoid · 24/02/2013 10:00

She said it was a gastropub, dogs are allowed in pubs.

AThingInYourLife · 24/02/2013 10:01

"DP agrees with me but I'll admit we are both a bit touchy after she compared the dog's toilet issues to my recent diagnosis with a life limiting genetic condition"

PessaryPam · 24/02/2013 10:06

Cancel the lunch, make up some excuse and never rearrange.

Inertia · 24/02/2013 10:07

Yanbu. Don't allow the dog in.

Littleturkish · 24/02/2013 10:08

Isit there are hundreds and hundreds of dog friendly pubs with restaurants...mostly because the majority of dogs don't just randomly crap on the floor!

Say NO, get your DH to tell her NO.

Hopefully she won't come at all.

Florin · 24/02/2013 10:14

She is being very unreasonable. Who wants a dog over who is going wee and poo all over their carpet, it is really unreasonable for her to even think about bringing the dog.
Dogs are legally allowed in reataurants and pubs it is up to the restaurant owner. My parents have 2 well behaved dogs who they have taken to several dog friendly restaurants. Where we have a Holiday home there are several who actively encourage dogs-signs on door, however it is by the sea so people are on holiday with dogs etc.

Original poster

WooftoU2 · 24/02/2013 11:46

Thank you everyone for backing me up. I'm glad I asked as I was beginning to think we were being unreasonable :) we are going to phone her later.

We will give her the options: they come here without the dog or we will go to theirs. We have talked about it and we do not want to go to a restaurant with them as we would not be comfortable staying if the dog pooed on the floor again, and with not telling a member of staff.

It is somewhere that definitely allows dogs as we have been there too. It is the only place near them that serves decent food and allows dogs, so it would be a shame if MIL ruins it for responsible dog owners. She does not see it this way.

Barnaby (not his real name) would be embarrassed if he was made to leave straight after an accident, or if the staff were angry about it, and it is part of training him. I'm not sure how he is being trained as no one is allowed to draw any attention to the accidents, but I have no idea about dog training so maybe this was the advice from the behaviour expert.

Thank you for the link Yamyoid, I had heard dog poo could make you blind but wasn't sure how true that was, there is no way we are risking having that in our carpets! And we will mention it to her if she continues to insist it's not a problem.

The comparison with my health problems was quite funny in a way. It went something like this.

DP: We saw the specialist today and Woof's cancer was definitely caused by a genetic condition, called X, which also has further implications for her health.

MIL: Oh that's a shame, sorry to hear that Woof. We have had some bad news ourselves actually.

Us: oh no, are you okay? What's happened? Etc. very concerned

MIL: Yes, Barnaby has been having accidents and it turns out it is a behavioural problem.

Us:

We left very shortly after.

OP posts:

zipzap · 24/02/2013 12:04

Tell her the dog isn't invited - and while he is at it, tell your dh to say that if the dog does come, she has the choice of leaving it in the car or taking it home again before coming back (or not).

Bet she wants to bring it with her as it will be that many fewer accidents she has to clear up. If she doesn't like the idea of a pee/poo riddled car to drive home in then why should you want that in your new flat?

Would you be willing to have the dog if it had pads on or was house trained? (speaking as someone who doesn't like any dogs or cats in her house!). Or is now a good time to establish a 'no dogs in the flat. Ever. Ever ever.' rule? :o

5Foot5 · 24/02/2013 12:15

I am still at someone taking a dog in to a place where other people are eating and letting it crap on the floor.

MaBumble · 24/02/2013 12:22

Have you at any point pointed out that dogs behavioural problems usually stem from the owners?

YANBU and I feel so sorry for poor Barneby.

Original poster

WooftoU2 · 24/02/2013 13:49

zipzap I did offer to let him go in the kitchen, where the floor is tiled, and to put down the absorbent training pads but apparently that would be too "humiliating" for him. I spoke to DP about this and he doesn't think it would be a good idea anyway as once they were here she would probably refuse to shut him in the kitchen.

I'd be happy to have well-trained dogs in my home, although not in the flat as we do not have a garden or yard so nowhere for them to go to the toilet or run around. We would like a dog of our own in future (when we have a house) which will complicate things a bit, as we still wouldn't want a poorly trained dog to be in our house.

It's not that I don't like dogs, I don't even particularly dislike her dog, but I do dislike the assumption that she can bring an animal into our home, especially one that is likely to make a mess. She thinks it is like asking someone to not bring their baby with them

I didn't realise that about behavioural problems, I might ask her why she thinks he has them!

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 24/02/2013 14:34

I'm surprised nobody noticed the dog crapping inside the pub. I'd be jumping up and down and making a fuss if I was having a meal out and someone's dog did that near me. Regardless of owner "picking it up" there are still going to be smears on the floor. Ewww.

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