*To be --shit-- scared of death*

[Dryjuice25]

Lately I've been having these unwelcome thoughts about death. I don't think I'm depressed or anything but I might have mild anxiety. I just find myself thinking about the human condition and hating that I might DIE one day and I might leave my beautiful dcs alone in this harsh world where no-one cares will be good enough to look after them. My dad died he was so abusive my mum breathed a sigh when he diedbut my mum and all my siblings still live so this is not because I've been grieved too much.

I also suffer from very low motivation levels thinking what's the point of it all and I think only the immeasurable love i feel for my dcs is the major driving force spearheading my opposition to gravitythat keeps me going so I need to get a grip and continue with my studies instead of wasting time wallowing

I'm early thirties,very healthy although anyone can die of any cause healthy or not These thoughts never used to cross pollutemy mind, say a few months ago. But now they have become recurrent and somewhat haunting to the point I'm wondering whether it's normal or not?

Is this normal?
Any parents out there troubled haunted by thoughts like these or should I just get over myself?
What do you think?

[Dryjuice25]

all this to me feels like chasing after the wind*

[Sugarice]

I'm 44 and a few years ago I had gynae problems, I was convinced it was cancer and was going to die, I'm a serial over reactor but developed health anxiety.

Since then I've had a hysterectomy [ not due to cancer] but I think about dying frequently, of a heart attack for some reason!, often in the middle of the night, and the dreadful scenario my dh and ds's would have to cope with.

I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'.

I'm very optimistic normally but it's night time when I get my dark thoughts, especially after I've watched something emotional on the tv.

[minouminou]

Yesterday I taught my six-year-old how to warm a cup of milk in the microwave. As we were watching it go round, I imagined him thirty or forty years hence, after I've shuffled off, making himself a warm, nourishing drink, because I've taught him how.
All you can do is equip them as best you can to face the world without you. Do it right and they won't physically need you.

[Pigsmummy]

I thought that it was me!
Just before I had my baby a lady my age died in child birth, I didn't know her but it really affected me, I wrote my husband a letter just in case and since I have had daughter (4 months) I get hit with a terrible panic, I have plans and have life insurance etc but my husband can't get it due to a life threatening illness, I am terrified that we will leave our daughter an orphan. Is this normal?
I am not depressed, really happy and loving maternity leave.

[Dryjuice25]

Pigsmummy I have 3 dcs and when I had the first two, dying during childbirth never crossed my mind. On the last one, I did have worries that it might happen due to my age. It's sad when a mother dies like that.My mums friend died in another country because the baby was breech! It makes me really thank God that we have the NHS. Glad you're enjoying maternity. Shame about the lady you mentioned.I think I would have been affected by this too in a big way.
Minouminou Now you're dd will never need you to warm her milk again! When I had my last, due to death worries,I realised I had been spoiling my dds aged 7 and 5 in a big way. They didn't know how to brush their teeth because I thought they wouldn't do it properly. I suddenly realised what would happen if something happpened to me. Now they warm their own milk, do their own teeth, learning to bathe themselves. My eldest has now learned how to safely chop vegetables! Whereas beforehand, they did nothing at all apart from tiding up their toys. That was very irresponsible of me and inadvertently harmful to them! I am proud of myself for relaxing and allowing them to participate in small ways and this takes pressure off me too.
Sugarice You're not going to die during the night!
I too do overeact and prone to panicking eg Instead of seeing myself as a young 34 yo, I think in terms of being half of 68, therefore not having much time left. Ridiculous I know. But when I'm caught up in this stream of consciousness, I can't help it. I am usually very optimistic apart from this and a few other things

[Dryjuice25]

Now your dd*

[Bobyan]

I feel a bit of a wimp saying this, but the thought of death doesn't worry me as much as someone breaking into my house and hurting my Dc's or sometimes my work going badly sends me into a tail spin.

How irrational is that?

[Dryjuice25]

Bobyan Do you think your fear is caused by an underlying issues (eg been burgled before or scared of the economic situation etc) or is it just irrational?

[Bobyan]

Probably a bit of both, I have been burgled and they came into my room and my job is full on and stressful. But both these scenarios are realistically unlikely, where as death is inevitable and I can accept it. Interestingly I had to come off the pill as it was giving me anxiety / heart palpitations, so I do wonder if my hormones are involved!

[AgentZigzag]

'I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'

Thankfully I don't wake up thinking this (although I wonder if you've been thinking about it in your sleep because it worries you so much? I wake up with the answer to obscure problems sometimes, which can be helpful ), but it is kind of how I've come to terms with stuff.

If I'm struggling and having a crap time I think 'Well, I'm not here for that much longer' and the finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on, and if I'm OK I'm just glad of the extra time and see it as a bonus because I could have died yonks ago and not had the pleasure of meeting DH/DDs.

I've always been a bit morbid, which is not always a bad thing, the darker side of life can be quite fascinating in some ways (if you think of how authors/film makers can spin it to make it into entertainment) but it's when it intrudes into your life so much it's frightening you that you maybe need someone who can give you their professional help.

I had CBT nearly 20 years ago ( where did the time go??) and found it really helpful and still use some of what I learned.

[AgentZigzag]

Thinking again about what I've just written, I seem to have set up two default responses to the fears I have, one for when I'm OK and one for when shit's piling up.

Is there anything you can think of which kind of calms the storm a bit when you're thinking about stuff flojo? Maybe you could think about whatever it is a bit more deeply and expand anything you come up with to set up something you could go back to if you felt more worried than normal?

[Dryjuice25]

Agent "....finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on "

For me that seems to be the root cause of my problems. The idea that the end could be nigh any moment no matter what plans you have e.t.c is the bit that I find difficult to reconcile. I wish I can look at it from your perspective.

And the darker side of life really is scary. Not knowing the hidden mysteries surrounding death is the worst thing for me let alone the physical act of death. But then on the other hand I hope it will be a lovely surprise for us mortals. Years ago, I read Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot and I've been feeling a lot more like the main characters lately. Futility. Death. Purpose of Life? Existentialism. Me? God. ETC. Unfortunately these questions ARE much much bigger than little me.