Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a limit to my DH's 'given up smoking' tantrums? He's just walked out

23 replies

ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:07

Before I start, in the 15 years Ive besn with this man he has never, ever walked out in a huff/rage/tanturm. Unlike me Smile.

However, Im struggling to deal with todays scenario and would appreciate some feed back as to weather IABU.

I have two children, the youngest has unfortuntately many healthy problems, nights can be horrific. My DH tries his best to help at night but DC2 just wants me, waking every 10-20 minutes most nights, last night I was grateful for hourly (!) wakings. My childs needs are 24 hours a day so I rarely get a break (although I want to press at this point, this is not for want of trying of my DH).

So my usually placid, understanding, impotentantly helpful, and sympathetic DH has given up smoking.

And this weekend has made way for a moody, snappy, sarcastic moron eating us out of house and home.

Hes been a snapping and sarcastic to me and our eldest all day, I pulled out eldest (7) aside today and explained the situation in simple terms, that we should give Dad a wide berth.

Tonight he just takes the micheal, hes biting and snapping and spoiling for an argument, I nearly got sucked in then I took a deep breath (shaking, I was cross by this point but had not shown it)

"DH I refuse to get into an argument with you. Im really struggling at the moment with DC2, I kept the whole family away from you today because you were struggling with smoking, but Im struggling too and I dont think I can cope with much more. How about you have a night off in the caravan, anda day off from us tomorrow to help."
(We're ex-travellers we have a cravan on a site (rented travellers site not illegal))

He tried twice to start another argument, both times I ignored.

But Im annoyed. Im annoyed because I want a break but cant, Im annoyed because my usually placid DH is annoyed with me for doing nothing wrong, Im annoyed that we're alone tonight now and tomorrow.

Just annoyed.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/02/2013 22:10

Sounds crap. Hope his mood passes soon and he becomes reasonable again.

AgentZigzag · 23/02/2013 22:13

It's not an excuse for him to be a shit just because he's given up the fags, but because you say he's such a lovely person the rest of the time, it'd be stupid to ignore what's going on in his body and how it's affecting the way he is.

You clearly want to support him and are doing really well by what you're saying Smile maybe someone will post who knows how long the worst might be before he gets a handle on it?

Don't let it beat you, keep in your mind that it's the lack of fags which is talking and your DH will be back shortly.

RedHotRudieParts · 23/02/2013 22:17

My friends husband moved out for two weeks when she quit smoking ( was the arrival of pmt on top wot done it ) she was utter hell.

Chuck a bag of carrots at him to chew on and tell him to man up.

aquashiv · 23/02/2013 22:18

You sound lovely and supportive.

Though giving up the old nicotine is pure evil. it will pass it will pass and he will be back.

FlouncingMintyy · 23/02/2013 22:20

Well, if you have walked out before and he hasn't ... could you perhaps cut him a little slack on this occasion?

What can be done about your youngest child's health problems? Neither of you can go on like this (night wakings) for much longer.

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2013 22:20

You sound like you have a lot in your plate. You must be shattered. Quitting smoking is hard but he needs better solutions than taking it out on you and/or the kids.
Can he go for a walk/run?
Get a soft drink (may make him need the loo a lot!)
Do something else to ease aggression. (Elastic band on hand to ping. Play footy or just kick ball about)
He needs to not substitute food for cigarettes. Find a healthy option.
Do things/go places he wouldn't or couldn't smoke.

Hope he quits for good and you get your richer and healthier DH back!
(What a shame you have to specify it is not an illegal site. Are people really so prejudiced? So sorry if you've had to face this too.)

TallyGrenshall · 23/02/2013 22:26

It will pass. It is pure hell but it will pass as long as he stays off the fags. The last time I tried to give up I told DP that I was going to smash a cup into his face because he accidentally caught it on the saucer Shock Blush Sad (That was day 2)

Maybe when the worst of it is passed, he can give you a day off to catch up on some sleep. I am sure he will be utterly mortified about his behaviour

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 23/02/2013 22:28

My usually lovely DF gave up cigarettes after 50, yes 50 years last summer!! He was Horrible- don't know how my DM' put up with it (chucked him in the garden mostly I think)
Back to normal after about a month. But it was 50 years. If your husband is normally nice I think you will have to cut a bit of slack or maybe try again in the summer?
Not helpful but have seen it first hand - so glad I never started.

Original poster
ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:29

Flouncy- I agree. I never walk out and leave but I am the 'huffer' and 'fuck you I leaving' in the relationship so for him to be doing it, of course Im sympathetic.

Wolfie- Yes our DC's issues are a not good. But he is, thankfully,recieving speacialist care now, I pray to God this helps him.

And my DH had JUST got back from a run when he got in.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/02/2013 22:31

He needs to run more or cool down before he comes in?
Do you have any support from anyone else?
Hoping your DC gets all the help possible.

Original poster
ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:32

Praise the Lord Natural Blonde my DH's is nearing 50 too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:36

Wolfie no this bothers my DH a lot, we have no support from family, we live too far away.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/02/2013 22:38

Could you? Would you move?
Friends?
Can DS health specialist put you in touch with any help?

morethanpotatoprints · 23/02/2013 22:39

You are doing really well to cope with his moods.
If it is possible for you look at it as its not him doing this.
All credit to him stopping smoking, it is harder to come off the addiction of nicotine than heroine.
Try and think about how much better your lives will be, and the money you will save.
I know it must be hard for you, but he is really going through it at the moment.

Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 22:46

Is he getting any support in terms of medical help, pharmacist? thats sort of thing? Maybe your local health centre runs giving up smoking clinics, i know mine does. Its brilliant that he is giving up but he mustn't take it out on you and the kids . Maybe see if he will give the health centre a go (but i know how stubborn men can be!)

apostropheuse · 23/02/2013 22:48

It will get better. You know him well and you know that he's behaving in this way because of withdrawal symptoms. It's incredibly difficult to do it, but this phase won't last long. Once he's through it you will just be so glad that he's not smoking any more. Honestly you will get your normal husband back.

I know you probably realise all of this, and I do understand you're under a lot of stress at the moment. I'm not trying to diminish that. After things settle down you need to have regular breaks for yourself. Your DH will just have to cope with your child - even if it's just for a few hours.

I hope things improve soon for you.

Original poster
ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:48

Having seen friends come off heroin, rest assured it is not more difficult to come of heroin, but I do appreciate your sympathetic words, thank you x.

No Wolfie its not a good time to go, all the people we were travelling with/on site with have moved in all different now including us, for different reasons. Now we're settled I dont think moving would be good again, yet.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/02/2013 22:49

Phone running out of charge but would a nicotine substitute help to wean him off?

Original poster
ExSmokerWife · 23/02/2013 22:51

*it is a lot more difficult to come off heroin.

Forgive me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 23/02/2013 23:10

I think you have it really tough atm, but you do sound amazing, and your H is doing something really worthwhile, you both have things so hard to contend with, but it's clear how strong you are and you will get through this.

I think it's a good idea that he has the other caravan to chill out in, and I would definitely say that chewing nicotine gum really helped me give up, and it's on your terms, unlike a patch.

Sometimes the Drs give this stuff out, might be worth asking?

KeatsiePie · 24/02/2013 04:42

Heartfelt sympathies to both of you. For us, quitting smoking = two tickets on fast track to marriage breakdown, detouring through hell on the way there. We quit a few times before it took and each time I was biting my tongue through to keep from saying divorce.

I'm a fan of the patch, if he can get it. And you should have some tangible rewards/supports too ... sounds silly but when the kids are in bed can you indulge yourself with a movie? Get some take-out in instead of cooking? Etc. Whatever would make you feel like you're getting a bit of a break too.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 24/02/2013 07:55

Well done to your dh,quitting smoking is difficult. Of course he's snappy and irritable.
When I gave up years ago someone told me to use black jack sweets and they worked brilliantly.

WhereTheWildOnesSnow · 24/02/2013 08:25

My DH is giving up smoking at the minute and has been taking the tablets, although they are working very well for him there are lots of side effects and his stress levels are high. Before him deciding to quit I did tell him if things get too stressful he can go stay with his parents.

You are doing amazing with what you are coping with and life sounds stressful for you all at the minute, I haven't got any advice but just wanted to tell you I wish you the best of luck with everything.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page