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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to work to live, not live to work?

24 replies

MissBrown · 23/02/2013 18:52

I have a good job with chance of working up the ladder in the future, however this would mean an awful lot of work with very little free time.

It is bad that I don't want that? I want to enjoy my life, enjoy my hobbies, kids and time with my dh.

Neither of us claim benefits so that is not an issue, but we certainly aren't rolling in it. Working on my career would definitely bring more money to the house but take away so much.

I have a performance management meeting coming up soon and one of the questions is going to be 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?'

Is it wrong to say that I am perfectly happy as I am?

Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 23/02/2013 18:54

Yes I did. Which is why I didn't go back after maternity leave. I earn only a quarter of what I'd be on by now if I'd stayed, but I'm sane and happy and so are DP and the girls.

You do need to talk about this with DH.

Phineyj · 23/02/2013 18:55

No, it's not wrong at all to feel like that or indeed to arrange your life to maximise your free time, but I wouldn't say so in a performance management meeting!

mrscog · 23/02/2013 18:57

YANBU! People should do what they want where possible. There is a lot to be said for doing a job which you are capable of but doesn't take over your life.

Original poster

MissBrown · 23/02/2013 19:03

No issue with dh. There is no pressure to climb the ladder. We both have hobbies, one of which we share. We have 3 dc's who also get to do their own hobbies, again some are shared.

Our life is chaotic, noisy and very busy. We work hard, but I want us all to play hard too.

Glad to hear I am not the only one.

OP posts:

PrincessRagnhild · 23/02/2013 19:07

Yanbu at all. I feel exactly the same. Would rather earn less, as long as its enough for comfort and occasional luxuries, and have more time for hobbies, friends, relationship and family.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 23/02/2013 19:18

YANBU I went down a grade a couple of years ago as although I as allegedly p/t I was expected to have my blackberry on 5 days a week and spent my evenings and non working days picking up work.

Now, although they are still getting me to work above the grade I'm now paid for I have a lot of boundaries in place. I refuse to have a blackberry, although I do have a work mobile that I will switch on when out of work if I expect something urgent to come through and the only reason I would work at home is if I can't get into the office.

Financially it has cost us a lot, but at the time it was either that or jack in the job which I didn't want to do. I have a bit of free time to enjoy my hobbies, and can invite DS's friends for playdates and get chores done during the week so the weekends are relaxed.

I think you are in a great place if you recognise that and its not something I would hide at your appraisal. People respect honesty and generally value a reliable employee who does their job well.

Original poster

MissBrown · 23/02/2013 19:30

Thank you theoriginal.
I think the reason I am thinking about it is because we have a new boss who is younger than me, but much more my senior in our profession. She has young children and her husband is a SAHD. Should I aspire to be like her or be happy as I am?

OP posts:

countrykitten · 23/02/2013 19:36

I am teacher and was always been massively driven and climbing the greasy pole as it were. I recently went p/t and love it! I have my life back!

I was persuaded to my by DH who was worried about my health which has suffered and also my state of mind - I didn't ever switch off. He said something like 'when you are 80 do you think that you will be wishing that you have been a dep head/head whatever....or will you be wishing you had a lived a little more and spent more time with those that you love?'

After he put it like that, I made my choice with ease.

countrykitten · 23/02/2013 19:38

MissBrown being happy is what life is about - if you are happy then why change things?

glamourousgranny42 · 23/02/2013 19:39

Do what works for you. Quality of life is worth far more than money in the bank. I don't see success as being measured by money I have made a career choice where I earn at least 10,000 less than I used to. We manage. I can pay bills, have modest holidays and I am sane and happy. I think we need to reject the pressure to define ourselves by constant climbing the graesy pole.

LilMissSunshine9 · 23/02/2013 19:40

I wouldn't say it in a performance meeting - maybe look to say you want new projects/ challenges - this doesn't relate to a promotion etc but keeps your job fresh and interesting.

PrincessRagnhild · 23/02/2013 19:42

What do mean by being more like her OP? Is your DH a sahp?

Original poster

MissBrown · 23/02/2013 19:49

Countykitten, same job!

No Princess, he works very hard and commutes. I just mean her ball breaking determination to get very far, very quickly. Is that what is expected of the modern professional woman?

OP posts:

TheFallenNinja · 23/02/2013 19:56

Totally agree with your sentiments, but don't burn any bridges at the performance review. It sounds like you know how to play the game just make sure that ALL avenues are open to you.

PrincessRagnhild · 23/02/2013 20:00

Ah OK, I'm sure she is very determined but it must help having her partner at home. It sound like you have the right balance for you. If you're not career-focused and ambitious naturally, then forcing it because you think you should is not going to make you happy and healthy.

countrykitten · 23/02/2013 20:01

Teaching is the worst for eating your life up as you know. When I was at HoF level - I HAD no life. That is as 'high' as I went and I did it for 8 years.

I am poorer financially now but so much richer in everything else!

exoticfruits · 23/02/2013 20:02

YANBU - I have never seen the point in advancing if it takes your life away.

WellTravelledPrawn · 23/02/2013 20:02

You should certainly do what feels right for you and your family (both financially and emotionally). Some people are determined to get very far very quickly and they do. Although you may want to consider the possibility that your boss may also feel a but envious of you and wonder if SHE is doing the right thing.
As an aside, I have a friend who was made partner in a big law firm very young. She was the textbook 'career woman'. A couple of weeks ago she let me know that she'd resigned. Not to have children, or downsize her career, just to do nothing, because she hadn't ever done nothing before. She's only 35, so that's a lot of time to fill before she retires!
Play the long game, you'll be working until you are seventy, if you don't want to climb the pole now, there will plenty of time left when you are older and wiser and have an empty nest.

BackforGood · 23/02/2013 20:02

Agree with others - sentiment is fine, but don't share it at a performance review. You want to keep your job interesting, and challenging, just without it taking over your life, so you don't want to give the impression you're not bothered about work.
Of course, the nice thing about having more money, is that you can then pay someone to do the bits you don't like. So, if you enjoy your job but think it would be too much to doo all the houseworky side of life alongside a full on job, it doesn't necessarily have to be the job that goes - you could employ a cleaner or cook or laundry person or gardener or some combination.

gamerwidow · 23/02/2013 20:03

Why should you and your boss have the same priorities just because you're both working women? You should do what works for you and let her do what was for her.
There's no right way and different things work for different families.
Fwiw I'm like you are would rather not have a lot of commitments at work until my dd is older.

nellyjelly · 23/02/2013 20:04

I have been facing redundancy but now have a choice of my current management job but at full time ( currently 3 days pw)or going down a grade, less money but still part time.

It has been a tough call. On the one hand my managers salary would be alot if full time but really feel I would miss my days with the children. I opted for part time on less money. I just don't want to miss out when the kids are so small.

twentyten · 23/02/2013 20:12

Time with kids goes so fast.Careers can be long haul-but you don't need to burn bridges in perf management meetings.Do what makes you happy.
So many of the dtiven professionals(male and female) have relationships and families which fall apart.March to your own drum.Invent the life you want-for you and your family.

Original poster

MissBrown · 23/02/2013 20:12

Thanks for all your replies everyone. I am quite happy with my life as it is now. Obviously, extra money always comes in handy especially when it comes to our hobbies, but if we can get by without the extra I think that is how I will stay. Things may change as time goes by but at the moment I am quite happy.

OP posts:

AScorpionPitForMimes · 23/02/2013 21:57

I think you're being very sensible, MissBrown. DH and I both have reasonably decent middle income sort of jobs, which mean that between us we are quite comfortable if we watch our spending. We could both have gone further, but the sacrifices in terms of family life would have been considerable, so we have stayed where we are. We're happy.

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