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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to attend my nephews christening?

25 replies

Looiloo79 · 23/02/2013 14:12

Basically my 3 nephews are getting christened in June and my sisters have invited me to attend both the church and the after do with my children.

I have told them I won't be attending as my dad will be there and I won't face him after what he did to me. 4 years ago there was a family fall out - nothing major but my dad got drunk at my sisters 21st birthday and assaulted me - I ended up in hospital with a broken nose! Police were called and I got him arrested but he got let off and to this day we haven't spoken nor as he apologised to me for what he did. I will never forgive him for what he did and my sisters think I should just be brave and go!

They still have a relationship with him but I never will. 2 of my children see him but my newest child doesn't and never will

Would you go just to show face or would you be like me and refuse to attend. I'm upset I can't be there for my nephews as I love them to pieces. Thanks xx

OP posts:

scaredbutexcited · 23/02/2013 14:20

Without knowing anymore details I think I would go.

You want to for the rest of your family and what better way to rise above what happened and show he doesn't still have a hold over you?

It sounds as though everyone is aware of the situation so hopefully you will have support. You can always leave if you feel really uncomfortable. However, why should you miss out and your nephew miss out on seeing you because of what your Dad did?

shesariver · 23/02/2013 14:20

Why should you miss out on family events though? I would go.

selsigfach · 23/02/2013 14:21

If you were my sister, I'd completely understand. Ring to explain that you won't be attending and send a lovely card for each nephew.
Yanbu

McNewPants2013 · 23/02/2013 14:23

I would go.

Why should you miss out on family events because of this 1 drunken assult your father did.

cornishsue · 23/02/2013 14:27

What an awful situation you have been through.

Maybe you should ask yourself what is more important, your love for your nephews or your (understandable) anger towards your father? Also maybe ask yourself when you look back on this situation in 5/10/20 years time will you still be 'glad' you made the decision not to go?

The decision not to go is perfectly reasonable and understandable...BUT...how awful that your father, after his terrible treatment of you, has the power to spoil what should be a lovely family occasion. It's such a shame for you, for your sisters, and ultimately your nephews too. It also doesn't seem fair that you should miss out.

I wish you well and hope the rest of your family understand your decision.

pixi2 · 23/02/2013 14:29

Would you drag a new baby into this? Go to the christening and just quietly apologise and say you appreciate the invite but you don't feel you can attend afterwards but you would like to visit soon.

BegoniaBampot · 23/02/2013 14:32

What do you want to do! What would you feel more comfortable with?

PurpleStorm · 23/02/2013 14:33

Could you maybe attend the christening but not the after do?

Booyhoo · 23/02/2013 14:33

if he was there i wouldn't go. no way. i was assaulted by a family member at a family do a few years ago and dont attend anything where they will be. my family can like it or lump it. i''m not risking that again.

RobotLover68 · 23/02/2013 14:35

I wouldn't go - I don't believe your father's behaviour will have been an isolated incident - sorry if I'm wrong

phantomnamechanger · 23/02/2013 14:38

Sounds like they are all too busy trying to play happy families and not facing up to what he did to you

He's your dad and he has not even been able to apologise?? Awful for you that it happened and very sad everyone else is pretending it didn't.

YANBU not to go

is your mum still around? do you see her? how does she fit into all this?

phantomnamechanger · 23/02/2013 14:39

and frankly I am amazed they would risk having him there - given he has form for getting drunk and causing trouble - not what you want at a christening!

Graceparkhill · 23/02/2013 14:40

That sounds absolutely awful and I don't think it is realistic of anyone to expect you to be in the sane room as someone who assaulted you.

Did you seek any help afterwards- victim support type of thing?

I am wondering if you feel betrayed/ let down by your family because they have stood by your father? Are you still actively frightened of him ( not putting this v well) or just disgusted by him? If the latter could you attend the event and stay well out of his way and agree the conditions beforehand?

Original poster

Looiloo79 · 23/02/2013 14:42

Thanks for your replies. I want to go obviously to see my nephews christened however I don't want to see him! I'm not scared of him I just know I will feel uncomfortable if he looked at me or anything. I don't think I'm strong enough to face it all but feel like I shouldn't have to miss out on a special occasion cos he's a twat!

Yeh he used to abuse my mum (rip) and I saw it all. That's why he hit me cos I told him some home truths an he obviously didn't like it. It's always going to be difficult as 2 of my sisters aren't married yet so other family occasions are going to be missed by me.

I just don't want to upset anyone but don't feel I can put myself through it x

OP posts:

Original poster

Looiloo79 · 23/02/2013 14:46

And yes I think I have some resentment for them forgiving him and letting him play happy families with their children and not mine. I think they cling on to him cos mum isn't around.

OP posts:

FutTheShuckUp · 23/02/2013 14:49

he sounds truly foul. I cant stomach the idea of hurting my own child let alone landing them in hospital, I find it odd your sisters want anything to do with a woman and child beater also. I hope one day he can find peace with himself

calypso2008 · 23/02/2013 14:53

My mother broke my nose the day before my Geography 'O' level.

The whole family ignored it, no help was given, it was brushed under the carpet. I could barely see to write and finish the exam. I have never had an apology. There was obviously lots of other abuse - this was the least subtle.

I am now the bad person as 10 years later I brought it up and confronted it. My parents now don't speak to me. Have refused to meet their only GC. My siblings think I am wrong. But neither have families, one still lives at home.

I would not go. Being assulted like this is just plain dreadful. It is not the worst thing though, the 'get over it' by the rest of the family is much worse in a way. The not feeling comfortable. The 'happy families' bit makes my toes curl. Unless you have been through it, with family members somehow condoning it, it is hard to describe.

No OP, do not go. YANBU.

Of course you want to go, but you can't.

TidyDancer · 23/02/2013 14:55

For me, it would depend on how big an occasion we are talking about here. If there's just close family going, then I may say no. If its a big do, then I'd probably go.

flumperoo · 23/02/2013 15:05

I'm a big believer in cutting oneself free from any negativity when possible. I personally wouldn't go if it's likely to be a negative experience. It sounds like it could be awkward for you and others there and could potentially ruin what should be a relaxed, happy day. I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it though - I don't think anyone can realistically expect you to go if you don't want to. You've good reason not to want to go.

Maybe weigh-up the pros and cons - are you going to be able to have a nice, relaxed day despite him being there? Are you going to be able to avoid him or be civil to each other if necessary? Or is it likely that you will feel awkward, worried, treading on egg shells the whole time, in which case what's the point?

thezebrawearspurple · 23/02/2013 15:06

yadnbu, stay away, if they wanted your presence that badly they would have had enough respect not to invite him. He is an abuser, the only way of dealing with people like that is cutting them out of your life.

Thumbwitch · 23/02/2013 15:12

I don't like it when families do this - when the other members who weren't the ones abused think "Oh well, it didn't happen to me, he's never been that bad with me so I'll still have him around" - just wrong. No wonder so many abusive people get away with so much - too many people are prepared to just sweep it under the carpet and ignore it if it doesn't directly affect them (and sometimes even if it does!)

OP - I wouldn't go in your place. I'd apologise and say that you can't be in the same room as that old hypocrite so you're going to bow out.

If I were your sister, I know who I'd rather have at the event but clearly your sisters are in the category I described above.

nothingbyhalves · 23/02/2013 15:34

I wouldn't give him the power over you and your interaction with your family and attendance to precious family events. DH was headbutted by soon to be ex BIL years back, but he refused to let his feeling about a vile excuse for a human affect his relationship with his neice and nephews. Worked out in the end as 10 years after the incident SIL fimally saw sence and kicked BIL into touch. But was difficult for dh in meantime.

By not attending, YOU are letting your father isolate you from your sisters and their families. Brave it out, be polite, but don't enter into interactions with Father. But try to enjoy these special occaisons, that way you are not spoiling it for your family. They will probably miss you if you are not there. Also by not attending, he could twist it that you are trying to make them choose. Don't give him the amunition.

SquinkiesRule · 23/02/2013 16:36

I would go, I would hold my head up high and not be embarrassed (maybe a little uncomfortable) It is he who should feel uncomfortable and embarrassed about his behavior, if he approached me I'd turn my back and walk away. Don't let him run you off from family events it's he who shouldn't turn up.

ukatlast · 23/02/2013 20:08

' 2 of my children see him but my newest child doesn't and never will'

Why on earth does he get to see your two first-born children? Cut off all contact from him. He is an abuser to your Mum and to you and he hasn't apologised.

Original poster

Looiloo79 · 23/02/2013 20:38

the 2 that see him are 15 and 12 and already had a relationship with him before the incident. I wanted to stop them seeing him but they were upset and i felt it better i let them choose. It's an awful situation as they receive presents for birthdays and xmas yet my 2 year old doesnt. She obviously never met the man so is excluded from his life.

It's complicated i know and that's another reason i'm in 2 minds about the christening as i dont want him to see my daughter. Although i believe my sisters have shown him pictures.

thanks for your replies people - its been encouraging to receive constructive suggestions and i have time to consider these options before upsetting my sisters. My partner believes they should be more on my side and not invite him which makes it even worse as he wont go either x

OP posts:

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