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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to contribute towards my parents' wedding anniversary celebration?

24 replies

weddinganniversaryblues · 22/02/2013 15:35

My parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up. It is also our 10th wedding anniversary later this year.

My brother has asked us to contribute towards a special treat for my parents, and travel to see them for the weekend (about 4 hours drive) for a family get together. Including petrol the weekend will cost us in the region of £200 - £250, which we will have to take out of our savings.

DH is not happy as he is currently working extra hours so we can afford our first holiday abroad since having children (aged 9 and 7 years). He argues that my parents would never dream of paying that sort of money to treat us (true) and that we should use the money to celebrate our own anniversary rather than paying for theirs.

It doesn't help that my parents are quite tight with money and generally don't put themselves out for other people. However they have had a difficult year (health issues) and I would like to be generous for this special occasion.

DH resents using our savings when we are both working and have two children to care for while they are retired and have a reasonably comforable life (DM has never worked out of the home).

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 22/02/2013 15:37

I agree with your DH. Tell your brother sorry but you cant afford it.

Annunziata · 22/02/2013 15:38

Neither of you really. You'll need to compromise.

Sirzy · 22/02/2013 15:38

If you haven't got the money then I agree with your husband.

Bejeena · 22/02/2013 15:43

I would go and see them so you can celebrate together but tell your brother no to the treat and get your own present for them instead? I don't think £250 is too expensive for a big anniversary for parents to be honest (especially considering what my parents did and got for me whilst growing up is a tip off the iceberg really) but if you can't afford it then you can't. It depends how much of a chunk out of your savings £250 would be really. If you have 20K saved then YABU but if you only have 1K then maybe not.

Zaphiro · 22/02/2013 15:51

Can you sell some old stuff to help raise the funds? If I were your DH I'd be pretty annoyed to have my overtime earnings spent on something I didn't want to do.

thebody · 22/02/2013 15:51

Go and see them but tell db you can't afford to contribute.

A family holiday is not something to be lost over an anniversary gift.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 22/02/2013 16:12

Agree with thebody, you should be there, but I don't think you need to use your savings as an anniversary gift.

Flyonthewindscreen · 22/02/2013 16:20

Agree with other posters, going to visit for family party (presumably you would travel to visit them during the year at some point so it doesn't need to be an additional expense if it replaces another visit) but not contributing to a lavish gift would be a fair compromise.

chickydoo · 22/02/2013 16:25

I agree that selling a few things of your own to raise the money might be a solution.
Do you have anything you could eBay
I have just sold 6items that I don't need or want anymore and made £55
Do that a few times & you will be getting close to the £200 you need.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2013 16:45

Give what you can afford to without taking from holiday funds.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 22/02/2013 16:48

I agree with you DH although I can totally see why you want to do this.

I like the idea of selling stuff to raise the money.

That way you get to spend money without feelling guilty and your DH doesn't have to watch the money he has helped save up just vanish

whistleahappytune · 22/02/2013 17:02

I would be with your DH on this. I think a family holiday is a priority, especially as you sound like you need it after working so hard.

You can still attend the celebration. You could make a cake for them, your kids could make a lovely card, and you might put some photographs together in a frame or an album. These things take thought not money and that's how you can be generous.

Also I might be particularly loathe to part with £250 if IL's were tight!

badguider · 22/02/2013 17:04

I would go to the celebration but ease back on the contribution to the treat whatever it is - tell your DB you can't afford that much.
Being there to see them should be what matters and I think you should do that bit. My parents wouldn't want a treat or present but would really appreciate seeing us.

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2013 18:16

Totally with your dh here.

I'm currently doing overtime and I'll be damned if dh planned on frittering it on a gift for someone.

Yabu

ZenNudist · 22/02/2013 18:21

Compromise, go and visit, make happy family memories, but don't buy a gift if you're short on funds. If your parents are frugal sorts, (hopefully) they won't mind not getting a gift or expect you to pay for them.

Xales · 22/02/2013 18:22

Your H is working extra hours for a family holiday.

If he were not doing so you would not have the money. I think based on this you cannot afford it.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2013 18:39

I think you should be there if it's a family get together, but I don't think you need to buy more than flowers or a bottle of champagne. Can you break down the money for us in terms of transport and present?

Original poster

weddinganniversaryblues · 22/02/2013 19:00

Thanks for opinions so far, my brother is suggesting we contribute £100 for the 'treat' but this will depend on what sort of deal he neogtiates so could be more.

He is also asking for a contribition towards the family get together (meal in a hotel) but has not specified how much this would be as yet - I'm guessing somewhere between £50 - £100.

Then there's petrol - our car costs £60 to fill up and we would probably use at least a tank getting there and back.

OP posts:

whistleahappytune · 22/02/2013 19:07

OP, this sounds alarmingly vague. £100 for the "treat" but depends on the deal he negotiates? What?

Also, guessing on the contribution somewhere between £50-£100 is a recipe for disaster. Don't guess. Get actual figures.

The only costs you really know anything about are petrol costs. You sound as if you're being bamboozled by your brother. Be firm and tell him NOW that your funds are very limited. It will give your brother a chance to perhaps, consider a less expensive venue for the meal, or re-think the "treat". Don't dither and put your own family (and DH) first.

badguider · 22/02/2013 19:07

Just say you can't contribute to the meal and the 'treat' so your DB will have to make the treat just from him or change his plan.

If I were you i'd go to the meal (at £90-£150). But I don't know your family, I know my parents would really appreciate our presence.

whistleahappytune · 22/02/2013 19:08

Sorry meant... Don't dither. And put your own family first.

CloudsAndTrees · 22/02/2013 20:18

I'm with your DH. If you want to contribute to this thing for your parents, it should come out of your own personal money, not family money, especially family savings that your DH is working overtime to build up.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 22/02/2013 20:21

You can be generous without being so monetarily, IYSWIM. Can the meal out be substituted by everyone bringing one of your parents' favourite dishes, or else find out what was served at their wedding and reproduce it?

MusicalEndorphins · 22/02/2013 20:24

Get them an anniversary greeting from the Queen, it is free. We did for the in-laws 50th.
Plus we went over with champagne and flowers. Maybe you can suggest you and your brother go in on something like that?

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