to think that I'm allowed a hobby and I'm not 'just a mum'

[surfbetty]

I've name changed for this in case I out myself.

My DM has a history of having quite strong views on things (and banging on about them repeatedly) and something she keeps saying to me is beginning to annoy me and I need the mumsnet wisdom to tell me if she is right and i'm being unreasonable.
I have a DS who is 2. I work 3 days a week. He is in nursery for 1 of them and then with family for the other 2. When I'm not working he is with me constantly, and also DH when he is off...apart from...
My hobby is water sports - I don't go often, maybe once or twice a month. I always go at weekends when my DH can look after our DS. Incidentally, my DH encourages me to go and bought me new equipment for my recent birthday. Quite often he will bring our DS along to watch .
My DM thinks I am unreasonable and, in her words, "you're a mother now". She says it with this irritating smile on her face. She was a SAHM and thinks i should be too (tell that to the bank manager!) She thinks that I should concentrate on 'being a mother', and that alone. She keeps repeating it everytime I mention my hobbies and it is making me so mad. It is starting to encrouch on to other topics as well (night away with DH - "remember you're a mother now")
She makes me feel like a crap mum for wanting a few hours to be myself. I don't go out clubbing or to pubs, I don't smoke, barely drink except a glass of wine at home, all spare money goes on our DS and my friends all have children the same age so when I see them, he comes too! It's not a wild social life!
I think that a good balance is key and that a happy mummy is a better mummy. I am near the point of loosing it with her and I need to know if I ABU or if she is with her outdated views.

Just say 'yes dear' with a head tilt and bland smile of your own.

Another YANBU.

Having a life outside of the home is a sanity saver. A couple of generations ago, things were different. Communities were different. People interacted with their neighbours more. Women DID work outside the home (even if it was just doing a bit of cleaning) and, also, children were more free-range. It was not at all uncommon for kids to be outside all day, or come home after school and be there alone for a couple of hours until mum came home. The supposed Golden Age where mums stayed at home and spent time baking for the kids is mostly a myth.

Nowadays, with kids stuck in the house (unless supervised at the park) and neighbours not all living for generations on the same street, being a SAHM can be really isolating.

Having hobbies and things to do outside the home is healthy.

Is shr l

Oops.

Is she looking after your son on one of your working days?

"We feel it is better for DS to have some one-on-one time with dad"

"you're a mother now" "I'm well aware of that" "you need to concentrate on that" "We need to decide what is right for our family, not you"

I'd tell that exactly, you're a mother and that is exactly why you have a hobby. You're not a slave, a servant or any other sort of oppressed person, nor are you living in earlier times when being a mother could mean that you effectively became a slave to your child and/or husband.

Turn it around to make it sound like she is the mad one for saying that you're a mother and that life stops as soon as you pop out a child. Tell her that she's a grandmother now - surely that means she is supposed to be nice and supportive to you now, not carp on at you!

It wounds like you have a hobby that you spend a few hours on a month, hardly a big time out of your ds's life, especially as it means he gets a few quality hours with his dad.

happy water sporting!

and the old chestnut

"DS and I won't be spending so much time with you if you criticise my choices"

YANBU. My mum is like this. I don't have many hobbies at the mo, my kids are still young and one has SN but I am working on it! My sister's kids are grown up and she's done lots of triathlons and stuff over the last few years. My mum said "oh i'm not worried about her, the menopause will sort her out in a few years" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As far as your kids are concerned, I think they will look up to you more for having interests. My mum seems to think because she has daughters she doesn't have to make any effort with her own life. Which is nice for her. Not so great for her daughters.

YANBU, i'd go mad if i was just "mummy" and never just "Greg", nowhere in the imaginary rule book does it say, "Mums must have no life", shes probably just jealous.

Let me get this straight, OP.

You are a womanwho has given birthand you think you deserve spare time and independence????

Hell's bells! Next you'll be wanting the vote.

Clearly, YABU

OP, is it because she thinks water sports are dangerous??

Would she be so quick to pass comment if your hobby was needlepoint, or jam making?

I think you have a good work/life balance, a few hours a month isn't much.

My Mum said to me that when you have a baby you just become their Mum, as that's who everyone sees you as. She said its important to go out by myself and just be me again rather than just ds's Mum.

YANBU

Tell your DM that she is confusing "mothering" with "Motherhood".

See first few pages on googlebooks of this book

The term motherhood thus refers to the patriarchal institution of motherhood which is male-defined and controlled and oppressive to women, while the word ?mothering? refers to women?s experiences of mothering which are female-defined and potentially empowering to women.

Quote from here

Carry on mothering OP and ignore what your DM tells you about Motherhood!

I try to keep in mind that this may be a generational argument. Back in my mums day, that's what you did: women mainly stayed at home. so I reckon part of the reason she tells you this is that she is reaffirming to herself that she made the right decision. rather than argue against I would say something along the lines of. "yes, I am. And aren't I lucky to be a mum in this day and age where I am able to be a mum and also enjoy a few hobbies of my own?" My mil and I laugh about the differences in parenting between my day and hers. I couldn't face being without a microwave and iPads etc, she survived without all those but then they could let their kids play unsupervised outside. totally different styles of doing things.

Yanbu, just tell her you are a mum and a human being with other interests. Well done your dh for being supportive, I can be a bit grump with my dh when he's off kite surfing all day.