difficult playdates: what would you do?

[reallyyummymummy]

I have a friend who I am very fond of. Our children are at the same nursery and I have known her since before our children were born.

Recently, we have had a problem when we have met up. Our children just don't get on at all. They always end up fighting about toys and it always ends up with either of our children leaving in tears. Yesterday afternoon it happened again - we went over to her house for afternoon tea. While they were eating it was fine because they were occupied. As soon as they went off to play the fights started. After 15 minutes they were on close supervision. After an hour we were done. When my children come home they are always very quiet (and very gentle to one another).

I am starting to feel like I don't want to meet up with her for play dates anymore because it is just too hard to supervise the children. However, she has a really good heart and I can see how hard she tries with her children to make things work. She is a single mum and I know she struggles and I would feel saying no to play dates would be really hard on her.

What would you do?

How old are they?

My son and his mate (both nearly 4) have been like this. Adore each other but periods when they have fought like mad over toys. Stick with the friendship cos it's just a phase.

My friend and I found hiding the most covetable toys, doing a supervised activity or something expending energy worked great. As did not getting het up yourself if your child got bashed cos they'd be doing the bashing - whilst of course making it clear to the kids that wasn't on.

Agree to meet up at other times if poss. You can't make them be friends.

Just to add that her kids are prob kind and gentle when your kids have gone too! The single parent thing is a red herring. All kids do this.

Just becasue you are friends, doesnt' mean it will follow that the children will like each other.

Arrange to meet her somewhere minus the children, eg after drop off and you can both have a coffee and a chat.

Agree you're slightly implying it was her fault!

I've abandoned play dates. Too stressful and too many arguements!! Why not try to see her without the children.

Stick with it, keep visits short, it'll pass

Meet in the park or go for a walk with the kids. Go to an indoor play area, swimming pool, or children's museum, if you can afford a trip like that.

They will get through this bad patch. I find that my children ARE friends with my friend's children, especially if they have known each other for a long time/ stayed in one another's houses (friends who visit from abroad). It's more of a cousinly relationship though.

Although my ds is older, we have a similar problem that has developed over the last year. I've cancelled one play date (with a legitimate reason) but now we go to a park with plenty of space and things to occupy them. And rather than the days we used to do, I arrange just the morning and always make sure we have somewhere to go after lunch.
It maintains my friendship with the mum and ds doesn't have to put with other evil child for too long.

All children argue over toys, it's perfectly normal. Ds (4) had a friend round the other day and they went from 'i'm not your friend anymore' to 'i love you, you're my best friend' and back again about a hundred times over the course of the afternoon! Depending on age they do still need a bit of adult guidance. I ended up baking some cakes with the boys then taking them to the park for a bit, always diffuses things.
The only reason i would stop play dates is if a child was being persistantly violent, i had this with a friends child and i now only meet them at park/soft play.
Btw your post does come across as quite condescending towards your friend and i can't see why you thought the fact that she is a single parent is at all relevant.

They are 4 - the only reason for mentioning the single thing was because I know she does not have that much support not because I think it is her fault. If I were to abandon play dates I think she would be upset.