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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I had a group of "girls"?

64 replies

Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 07:45

I always feel a bit inadequate when I hear of others " going out with the girls" etc. as I've never had a group of female friends. I hate plenty of friends on a one to one/ couples basis but not a group of them who know each other, live close by etc.Even adverts make me feel a bit left out...you know when the woman joins a group of friend for lunch ( usually laughing delightedly at the fact she's wearing panty liners!!!!).. I know that's not real life but I also know that people have groups of friends and I don't. DH suggested me getting a group of my friends together but that seems forced and it's hardly going to be a regular, easy going thing.I didn't have any hen do becuas elf this and whilst I didn't mind in the least I thought " am I odd?" I know it's not a major life problem and not feeling sorry fir myself...just wondered how common this is?

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/02/2013 12:20

Sorry to hijack this thread but I find myself in a similar situation. I have colleagues in work, neighbours where I live, family but no friends. I have lost touch with the people I went to school with and the people I went to college with. How do I go about getting some friends?

ScarletLady02 · 21/02/2013 12:26

I don't know Whatcha - I'm terrible at getting out there and meeting people. The thought of chatting to people are toddler groups etc makes me really anxious, so I just stand there not saying anything. I can't afford sociable hobbies or anything.

AmberSocks · 21/02/2013 12:29

i dont,i used to when i was younger but havnt since moving down south to be with dh and have the bambinos.I would like to i think it looks like fun!

SashaSashays · 21/02/2013 13:46

Whatcha, do things where you meet people and if you like them invite them out or round.

If there are people at work you like just invite them to do things outside of work. Invite the neighbours round, find things you have in common, arrange to do those things or something related together.

I spent about 5 years where I moved, worked and had DC and had no friends. I didn't know how to be social with people that I hadn't been forced with, in the way you are at school or uni. DH taught me.

Be enthusiastic but not overly keen, be thoughtful and don't take every knock back personally.

Original poster

Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 14:10

I know the sensible thing is to invite a few of my friends around to meet but they all live quite far away...dunno...Some years ago I lived in quite a cliquey street and didn't get invited to the Virgin Vie parties..initially felt excluded but then realised I don't want to be one of them anyway! My friend has " the girls" but I do hear some nightmare stories about what you can and can't do so it also makes me relieved at times...Anyway I think the virtual " girls" sounds much better...you all look lovely today by the way!!Ooh, Somebear..what have you been using on your skin etc..etc..!

OP posts:

chrome100 · 21/02/2013 14:36

I have engineered a group of friends. I just invited everyone I knew on a one-to-one basis to everything I did, and invited them to invite their friends - whether it be cinema, going for a drink, playing sport etc. Eventually everyoneg got to know each other and became friends in their own right. I'd now say I have a "group of girls" and I love it - it means I can meet up with whomever I choose on a one to one (just had lunch with one of them) and we can group stuff together as well.

Admittedly none of us has kids which perhaps makes it easier, but it is possible with some hard work and social engineering! Facebook helps too I think as people can befriend each other online.

Branleuse · 21/02/2013 14:42

i have plenty of friends (imo) but no group of girls that id see as a group. I like to see people individually. Large groups exhaust me

teachertrainer80 · 21/02/2013 14:52

atthewelles you've hit the nail on the head. it is precisely the structure of the group that keeps them all friends and without this the actual friendships are very flimsy. they are all very nicey nicey and fake with each other (not so much fake but telling each other what they want to hear). glad a few people have illustrated similar scenarios as i am quite a cynical person so may take such a positon!

chrome100 i did this and then got excluded from the extended group i had facilitated! i am actually a very shy person but would be the one to organise book groups, throw parties, organise trips etc so was initially incredibly hurt by the exclusion but now view these friendship groups as quite false things a lot of the time. the only pangs are when trips are organised without me when i was always the one to do this and to get people together. but really, sod 'em.

HollaAtMeBaby · 21/02/2013 21:14

How about starting up a "thing" if it feels a bit weird/random just to gather people together for no reason? something like a book club would work well!

juneybean · 21/02/2013 21:16

I do have a group of friends, but I do prefer to go out one on one

TheCatAndTheFiddle · 21/02/2013 22:15

I don't really have this either. I was kind of hoping that when I had babies I would have a lovely group of Mummy Friends from NCT or something, not sure of that's just wishful thinking...

INeedThatForkOff · 21/02/2013 22:43

You know, these threads come up so regularly that I think we should take comfort in the fact that it's an unusual privilege to have a close group of female friends.

Also there's a perception that everyone else has more friends than you that I think is false. As an example, of a small group of families that have stayed in touch having met at an antenatal class, the 'feistiest' and most confident of the four women actually refers to the rest of us as 'the girls'. I like her but I don't know her that well. I've realised that her social circle is pretty small. I think to the others I probably seem sociable and popular, which isn't the case at all. I just have a lot of casual friendships since having DC1 that I enjoy but don't set too much store by as they can be quite cliquey.

At my wedding I was a bit conscious that the bride and friends photo opportunity consisted of me, two schoolfriends AMD an ex-colleage (there was one who hadn't been able to make it). However these days I'd have a much bigger group with the mum friends I've picked up along the way. By my 50th birthday, say, it will have changed again to reflect evolving friendships.

In my (and DH's) hometown, male friendship groups are very broad and DH really could just get several different friends together and they'd all get on well as a group. Perhaps that's where your DH's suggestion has come from.

Not sure what my point is. Just that maybe your perception of 'the girls' isn't all it seems.

lovehope2013 · 21/02/2013 22:53

I agree with some of the comments above re bitchiness in girl groups. I always wanted to be part of a group but when my wish was granted a few years ago I began to see the downsides!

The group that was once pretty close and went on holiday together twice is now split completely down the middle which is causing havoc at hen dos, weddings and christenings. Not a week goes by without some bitchy comment being made on Facebook, even though the three girls at the centre of the row have 'unfriended' each other. One of the girls in the wider group recently tried to be 'peacemaker' and ended up in floods of tears. We are in our 30s but you'd think we were pre-teens.

Health warning: be prepared for drama if a close group of girls splits up!

Bumblequeen · 21/02/2013 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

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