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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish I had a group of "girls"?

64 replies

Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 07:45

I always feel a bit inadequate when I hear of others " going out with the girls" etc. as I've never had a group of female friends. I hate plenty of friends on a one to one/ couples basis but not a group of them who know each other, live close by etc.Even adverts make me feel a bit left out...you know when the woman joins a group of friend for lunch ( usually laughing delightedly at the fact she's wearing panty liners!!!!).. I know that's not real life but I also know that people have groups of friends and I don't. DH suggested me getting a group of my friends together but that seems forced and it's hardly going to be a regular, easy going thing.I didn't have any hen do becuas elf this and whilst I didn't mind in the least I thought " am I odd?" I know it's not a major life problem and not feeling sorry fir myself...just wondered how common this is?

OP posts:
MrsBucketxx · 21/02/2013 08:38

I dont either, id love to have that kind of friendship but I dont.

its not the end of the world, I have the people that matter the most to me close.

Adversecamber · 21/02/2013 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMushroom · 21/02/2013 09:31

I don't...I think it's because I've always struggled with group dynamics. I can never understand how some friendships work! At the moment, I am on the fringes of being part of a group of School Mums...they invite me for coffee and have asked me to go out on the town next week...but I feel awkward about who it's ok to text and chat to as I'm only on that footing with one of the women.

I think I'm a bit shit at friendships.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 10:22

Well, I guess we have proved its true that there's always likely to be someone who feels the same as you in a group! Think I'm just basically shy which I think Mary Portas once said was endearing in a child but bloody inexcusable as an adult!

OP posts:
ScarletLady02 · 21/02/2013 10:25

I'm shy as well. Unless I've had wine....then I'm a bit of a lairy tit Grin

I used to be really sociable, it's saddening now I look back actually, and when I realise just how much splitting up with my ex knocked my confidence as a person. It was nearly 6 years ago, I should be over that now (I'm more than over him, but still feel my self esteem has suffered)

This thread has made me vow to sort myself out.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2013 10:32

My group of friends isn't big.
Usually 4 of us in total and that includes my sister.
Often there are only 3 of us and quite often only 2 at a time.
It's really not a group you would normally put together but we get on great and always have a great night out.
Get a couple of your friends together and see what happens?

AllDirections · 21/02/2013 10:32

I mix and match my friends and invite individual friends to events and such like with other friends. I thought this was normal until I joined mumsnet so now I'm a bit more careful about checking before I invite extra people.

But if I have an individual friend that I meet up with a couple of times a month it usually ends up that one of us invites another friend along, then the other one does, then a colleague or a sister is invited and voila... a group has formed.

I'm very confident though so I can get myself involved in existing groups. When we moved and DD3 started a new school there was a group of parents who knew each other right back to their teenage years. I made small talk at school and then when I took DD3 to the park they were all sat on the grass in a big group together so I plonked myself down with them. They're good friends now Smile

mrsjay · 21/02/2013 10:35

maybe we could be 'the girls' Grin I dont have a group like that either I used to go out with mums from school sometimes but I found it exhausting am in my early 40s and would like a group to go out somewhere nice sometimes but mostly it doesnt bother me

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 10:38

Ok ..we are " the girls"! We' ll let anyone join who wants to but we refuse to do hen do' s or swap stories about great new panty liners!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 21/02/2013 10:41

Scarlet..I' m going to sort myself out too....yay us!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/02/2013 10:44

We' ll let anyone join who wants to but we refuse to do hen do' s or swap stories about great new panty liners!!

and we could go out to a nice pub so we can have a decent chat and go home early ( or is that just me )

simplesusan · 21/02/2013 10:46

I think it is easier to get together sociallywhen either:
You don't have children
or
Your children are all a bit older.

I made friends when I joined the pta. Eventually we all got together socially and still meet up years later.

I also have other groups of friends. I tend to not just be part of one big group.
I am seeing a group next week, only 4 of us we were old work colleagues and kept in touch.

SashaSashays · 21/02/2013 10:54

Obviously having become 'the girls' you won't need this, but I shall tell you anyway Grin

I'm quite lucky friend wise in that it have a fair few individual or couple friends, however the two groups of 'girls' that I'm part of only became groups because 1 of us brought the others together and we found we all got on and further friendships were formed.

If you want a group, make one, come up with some group thing to do, you could hold drinks at yours, and invite a couple of your friends, suggest they each bring someone else as they will only know you and won't be able to talk to you all the time as you will be mingling then see how people get on. Invite them all to something like a meal in a month. It will probably thin out but you might find people you didn't expect get on and make some new friends. His is pretty much how one of the groups I'm part of was formed.

SomeBear · 21/02/2013 10:56

I never had a hen do either! Can I join? I've never been very good at friendships but since moving to a town where everyone else has been here all their lives, I've become a bit of a hermit. I have completely lost my small-talk, think I might be boring company.

Absy · 21/02/2013 10:56

Yeah, i'd like a group of "girl" friends to hang out with, and do girly stuff with, but unfortunately tend to get on with men much easier (I had only brothers, and it's also easy as theyr'e friends of DH) so tend to hang out with men, a lot. Maybe too much. Definitely too much.

funkybuddah · 21/02/2013 11:20

I have 2 groups of girls. 1st lot are my besties there are 4 of us but 1 of them lives further out so isnt always with us, our kids go to the same school so see each other daily. We have nights in/out and weekends away.

Group 2 is new 3 of us 2 have been friends for ages and I forced my way in. Again we have kids the same age although I live across town from them.
We meet for drinks, get together at holidays and go away for the weekends.

Then I have bestie of 20yrs and work colleagues I'm close too

They are my rocks and I would go batshit without them all but the 1st group are my soulmates

I didn't mind when I didn't have my girls and was perfectly content and mainly hung with my sister

atthewelles · 21/02/2013 11:21

I have small groups and pairs of friends that I meet up with fairly regularly. But I don't have a 'the girls' group that I hang around with all the time.
I sometimes hear people talking about 'a gang of us' going off somewhere to celebrate 'our fortieth birthdays' or whatever and I wouldn't have that kind of thing going on.
To be honest, I don't like mixing different groups of friends, I feel more comfortable mixing with people separately depending on how I got to know them.

teachertrainer80 · 21/02/2013 11:24

Things are not always as cosy as they seem in these groups of 'girls'. I was friends with around 4 girls in my home town so we constituted a group but it was me who bought two pairs together. When I moved away to where a 5th mutual friend (let's call her Poppy) lived, they began not inviting me to stuff back home even when I was visiting that weekend and indeed it was Poppy (who I consider a good friend) who generally organised things excluding me.

However, I have since discovered from a separate friend (so we are a bit of a threesome of friends in new town- Poppy, me and separate friend and original foursome, whose group I kind of facilitated are still in hometown) that Poppy organises these group things because, apart from one of them, she can't stand to be one on one with them and finds them hard work. So this whole gang of girls, is a fabrication that allows her to feel like part of a 'gang' (who she does reefer to as 'the girls') while retaining friends like me who she is comfortable one to one with rather than a dynamic group of likeminded carefree young women! I think it's a bit like using people but ho hum. I only have friends who I would be comfortable one to one with, in couples, in groups, whatever.

They also spend a lot of time moaning about their (frankly awful) boyfriends or ongoing singledom which I have never felt the need to do. Initially I was quite upset having been ousted but actually feel sorry for the three of the original group who Poppy only pretends to like. Particularly now one of them has moved here and desperately writes messages to Poppy on facebook about how they should go out for coffee together and being told she's always busy whilst hanging out lots with me and others she feels comfortable one to one with. This friend obviously thinks that since she is one of the 'girls' then they are close friends but not the case.

Sorry for the essay but just want to say that people obviously like you a lot if they want you all to themselves. I have forgotten all about the sheep back home who ousted me so easily and just bear in mind why they are a 'gang' and am happy with individual friends or very small groups/ couple friends. I am lucky that DH is a good friend too and we have our happy little family.

teachertrainer80 · 21/02/2013 11:28

Crikey, I sound like a 14 year old! Sorry about that!

BingBongBoo · 21/02/2013 11:41

It's not all walking down the street, laughing manically arms linked like the ads!.. I'm part of a group of about 8 friends and when we all go out together, it's great but the internal dynamics are a bit of a nightmare. Some have known each other longer and tend to have get togethers on their own on the quiet and everyone else get a bit funny about it. Then there are some who hardly ever come out and they feel a bit disjointed... plus there are some personality clashes sometimes. And when two members fall out, it's a nightmare! It's great when it's good but when it all goes a bit wrong it's like being a 13 year-old again!

atthewelles · 21/02/2013 11:51

I agree. I have a group of 5 friends who meet up as an entire group a few times a year for a meal and in separate groups of 2s and 3s the rest of the time. There are two people in the group who really don't like each other that much, one person in the group who I feel a bit indifferent about, and three of us who live locally and meet up quite frequently but, within that threesome, one girl often says to me 'can we just meet up on our own next week. Julie is just getting on my nerves at the moment'.
To be honest, there are definitely friendships within the group that wouldn't survive five minutes without the structure of the group and I suspect its like that with most of these adult 'girlie groups'.

FutTheShuckUp · 21/02/2013 11:58

Going out with 'the girls' it makes me feel a bit stabby just hearing it tbh- im not 15 so no need to go round in some clique

Snootymum · 21/02/2013 12:08

In the town in which I live there seems to be a huge social circle of couples, of which DH and I are not part. So lots of weddings, lots of 'girls nights out' and lads weekends away. I am on speaking terms with a lot of the women but I'm not in their group so to speak, and sometimes it does make me feel a pang of envy when I see their facebook photos of their nights out and spa days, and gushing statuses about their wonderful friends.

On the flip side, you can almost taste the competitiveness in the air; there is a lot of competition about who has the best dress, the best car, the brightest children, and so on. There is also, I hear, a lot of bitching and a lot of the friendships are very fake.

ScarletLady02 · 21/02/2013 12:14

I'd prefer to have "the girls" round for pizza and wine and a trashy movie...

I hate "chick flicks" though, so I hope you don't all mind that. Nothing worse than romantic comedies

If we're going to go out, I'd rather go to a gig, or festival or something.

And no panty-liner type stories here either. Although I do spend an inordinate amount of time sorting out my hair.

As long as we're no "WOOO!" girls I'm happy Grin

badtasteflump · 21/02/2013 12:14

I don't have a 'group' of friends either. I have friends but they are all pretty separate - as in a good friends from work, a friend from college going way back, a few friends I've made through various phases of the DC's schooling.

A few years ago I lived in a different area and made friends with another school mum who was in a close 'clique' of school mum friends. They were very friendly and welcoming to me and I used to get invited out on lots of 'group' nights out. But the bitchiness was hideous. There were about six or seven of them and whoever wasn't there would usually be the topic of conversation - and not in a nice way Sad. I distanced myself a bit and didn't keep in touch with any of them when I moved away - if that's what 'groups' of friends are like I'm glad I keep my friends separate!