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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be really angry at my mother?

20 replies

SolidSnake · 20/02/2013 13:24

I live with my mother. I am quite a vulnerable adult, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. However I am on medication and currently seeing a therapist and slowly, but steadily, overcoming it. One big problem I have is independence (I was a massive cotton wool child and still haven't quite got over it) and am really proud of the progress I am making. My mother KNOWS this.

Anyway, this morning my mother gives me my mail, already OPENED. I ask her about this and she says she opened and read in, in case it was something 'upsetting' and then she would tell me about it when I was 'better', but it wasn't, so she has given it to me. I have NEVER asked her to do this and I was FURIOUS. She hasn't apologised and can't see what she did wrong, saying that "I was thinking of you". I am a grown adult and my mother thinks it's okay to read my PRIVATE MAIL? How am I supposed to overcome my problems with my mother still treats me as a child? aibu to be really angry right now?

OP posts:
Isityouorme · 20/02/2013 13:26

Why do you live with your mother? Do you work or get time away from her? Sounds like she exacerbates the situation.

magimedi · 20/02/2013 13:26

YANBU

Is there any way you could live elsewhere? She doesn't sound exactly helpful towards you.

Catchingmockingbirds · 20/02/2013 13:26

Yanbu. I'd be fuming too.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 20/02/2013 13:27

Yanbu

DinglebertWangledack · 20/02/2013 13:27

That's not on at all.

Original poster
SolidSnake · 20/02/2013 13:30

Isityouorme I don't currently work, I receive Employment and Support for my mental health. I haven't really considered living on my own, still quite young and i'm not sure if I could cope with it.

OP posts:
MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 20/02/2013 13:31

After I had my breakdown (which I'm overcoming slowly) my DP would've done this for me. Especially if it was a letter from my work (where I was being bullied which caused the breakdown).

Upsetting post would've set off a panic attack and made me really anxious.

He was thinking of me and I was really greatful.

I expect your mum was doing the same. Just tell her that you appreciate the thought but you don't need her to do this anymore as you're getting better.

:)

DontmindifIdo · 20/02/2013 13:34

ASk her again not to do it, make it clear in a calm way (don't rant) that while she thinks she's helping, she's actually making it worse because she's making you worry she's keeping things from you and worrying what those could be. Also explain you aren't a small child, she needs to respect your privacy as an adult.

Long term, I'd start thinking in terms of living independantly from her.

kinkyfuckery · 20/02/2013 13:36

Explain how what she did made you feel, and ask her not to do so again.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2013 13:37

I thought it was illegal to open another adults mail unless you have their express permission???
I can imagine it's hard, but I think you need to have a chat with her about your boundaries now you are growing up.
I'm sure she was only thinking of you, but you have to deal with these things as and when they come along or you will never learn to cope.

Callisto · 20/02/2013 13:38

How old are you?

Owllady · 20/02/2013 13:45

I can see both sides tbh :(

your Mum cares about you but also you have a right to privacy and she should apologise for what she has done

Original poster
SolidSnake · 20/02/2013 13:58

Callisto I am 20

OP posts:
OrangeLily · 20/02/2013 14:00

I open my husbands mail but only because he wants me to and it works for us. If he didn't I wouldn't!

Sounds like you need to have a proper talk with your Mum.

deleted203 · 20/02/2013 14:03

I would agree with don'tmind. That seems a really sensible way of tackling it.

Callisto · 20/02/2013 14:04

Well you're not that young then, certainly not too young to move out. Obviously you have problems, but you may find that your mental state improves if you are independant.

I can totally see how annoying it is to be treated like a child, but if your mother has always treated you this way then it will be hard for her to stop being so protective. And you do sound very dependant on her still.

cory · 20/02/2013 14:13

She is wrong, if from the best of motives. I have a dd who is much younger than you and has recently made a couple of suicide attempts, and I would never do this; I know I have no right to live her life for her.

Your problems are your problems and you have a right to them; the responsibility to learn to handle your anxiety is also yours, and it seems you are taking that reponsibility through accessing therapy and medication. This is right and how it ought to be; she must not interfere with that healing process.

But maybe the best idea would be if you could get a professional to tell her so.

(This is where it is easier to have underage children with anxiety problems: CAHMS can call me and dd into the same room and tell me what I have to do to help her).

buildingmycorestrength · 20/02/2013 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbunnylove · 20/02/2013 19:52

get help through your mh contacts to move out. i know a woman in her late thirties who does have problems but her mum seems to make them worse.

MammaTJ · 20/02/2013 20:15

Have you thought of moving in to supported living. I know round here there is an organisation called Stonham housing that supports young people from the ages of 16 - 25. Worth a thought.

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