To think that some people who don't have much going on in their life like to dramatise things? In law related. Would appreciate advice because I've just about fcuking had it.

[ScottyDoc]

So dh got back from parents house today. Told me fil had sat him down for a "chat" which turned into a half hour lecture about me and other things. Basically this is what was said: (and I know dh didn't tell me everything)

Apparently I don't call mil enough. I should call even to ask her advice on recipes and things. I am not, in their view, doing things right with regards to my religion. I don't go round there enough.

I have a few issues with this. I am pregnant so pretty knackered most of the time. I don't drive and live a half hours walk from their house which can be longer with younger kids playing up. Mil very rarely rings me. My religion I feel is none of their fucking business. I have a hell of a lot on my plate and cooking isn't high on my list of hobbies. I actually do ring mil and take the kids round when I can, which was pretty often before some religious issues started cropping up and before I got sick.

Mil and fil do not have any hobbies and the most they do (maybe because of culture differences) is cook or bake. Mil also rang tonight complaining about a friend of my dh's. AIBU to think that all this crap is due to them not having much going on and so they are feeding into stuff that is relatively minor? Mil has a habit of not speaking to people directly when she has a problem with then and talks to others about it. She says this is so not to upset them. I accepted this at first but am getting increasingly irritated at being told things about myself from other relatives that she should, as an adult, speak to me about. Really upset and stressed today. Please advise me how to just handle this.

The 'sick' reference was due to me suffering badly with bronchitis at the moment.

Sounds like they have a real issue with your religion and are just thinking up other excuses to have a go at you. You're ill and pregnant and not on their doorstep so why don't they call you more often or come and visit you to help you out? Because they don't want to! They expect everyone else to run around living their lives exactly as they dictate and entertaining them. What does your dh say about all this? You have to wonder what you're in for once the baby arrives!!!

Oh I feel your pain.

If my lovely DIL kept ringing me about recipes it would unnerve me and make me hide when the phone rings. She has a different religion to me too, damn the extinction of the Spanish Inquisition. Why can't we burn heretics like the good old days?

Try to not let them get under your skin, they are insensitive and selfishly self centred. Could your DH have a word and tell them to back off. Or fuck off even? My son would (quite rightly) give me his honest opinion in a very frank and forthright manner. Then he would tell me to fuck off. I blame his parents......

I didnt know there were any religions that required you to phone your mil for recipe advice.

Yanbu

You know they are such decent nice people and do help out on occasion, but if there is a while where in their opinion I haven't been over or done whatever, there's an issue made out of it. Confronting her gently and talking I don't even know about.... Mil tends to go straight on the defensive. I just don't want to end up blubbering because of irritation and pregnancy hormones!! I think, and I'm worried about saying this to her, but that they should make more excuses for me. Mil also doesn't work, fil does, so I think issues lie with her more than him.

How did your DH react to FIL's lecture? Does he support you? Does your DH think you should dance to the ILs tunes?

IMOyour DH should have stood up to his Dad, stuck up for you - or at the very least have said 'If Mum has an issue with Scotty then she should discuss it with her directly. I do not appreciate my wife being the object of a family Round Robin'.

If you are v stressed, just ignore it. So what if your MIL wants you to ring for advice on recipes - take no notice! That's HER problem - why let her make it yours? If FIL gives your DH earache, then that's your DH's problem - he can ignore it or tell his Dad to stop it. Tell your DH you don't want to listen to his 3rd hand tales of family complaint. You do what you can, you are an adult with your own choices to make.

And you are right. Your religion is none of their fucking business.

DH should a) have refused to have the conversation with his dad and b) not have come home and blabbered.

Hesterton gives v good advice,
But IMO to make it work you need your DH's support, and for him to be behind you, so that if she does go on the defensive he takes exactly your tack - as if the two of you are a stuck record!

She's just manipulating her DH to do her bidding.

Could she be doing that because she likes to be seen by other people a certain way, and telling other adults off and expecting them to behave as she sees fit wouldn't go along with that family orientated scene?

Getting your DH to sort it out would be going along with her and playing the same game wouldn't it? He should have taken the opportunity then and there by telling your FIL to mind his own fucking business.

So she goes on the defensive? Just ignore that and have your say, if she starts the 'woe is me' act with possible tantruming to others about you/sulking, let her get on with it.

Take the opportunity to not go round without the guilt trip

Yes it's true and thankfully dh did stick up for me whilst enduring fil ramble on about this and that. In their culture if you are younger than someone they must be listened to with respect and without arguement/strong debate. I don't agree with all aspects of this and being British I'm glad this sort of subservience isn't in the culture but I know dh will have let fil that he supports me. I've overheard dh fiercely defending me before when (at another time) mil had problems with me and he shot down her gripes very well. He actually said earlier that he shouldn't have said anything to me at all about what fil had said and he gave me a hug and told me he supports me in everything which was nice. Everything in the ils house is said behind backs though, seems nothing's directly said to anyone and that's why resentments grow.

'If you are v stressed, just ignore it.'

^ this. You don't have to handle their complaints because they're not making them to you. If they have different expectations about your behaviour and you're quite happy with how you're acting then it might be that you're not ever going to reach consensus. As long as you're happy with how often you visit, phone, etc, then don't take on board their issues or guilt. You don't need their approval and they don't need to give it.

I think tbh I still harbour a lot of anger and hurt from when I lived with them a few years back. I don't know how the hell to get rid of it.

I know it's difficult to talk about some things when they're bothering you, and saying it to the persons face can make things awkward, so usually people make sure the things they're going to say are about big stuff they really feel they can't ignore.

But the things she's going on about are so small, and choosing to get someone else to give the verdict on your behaviour is just so low.

It's great your DH doesn't let it pass by without comment, I wouldn't blame him enormously if he felt really uncomfortable about taking them to task, you have to remember he's been brainwashed raised in that atmosphere and it takes its toll after so many years.

Perhaps you could fill in an appraisal form on how you think they're doing in the role they have as your PIL?

(and to me your FIL is just as bad because he's going along and obeying her)

I'd get seriously into religion, that will really fuck em off...

get your husband and your mother-in-law's sister, if she has one, to tell the in law that you are so upset you are going to pay a man to pray 'for' her if she doesn't leave you to it.

They sound way too involved.

Your husband should have walked out rather than listening to a list of your "faults".

In fact I´d disengage as much as possible.

When I became pregnant my FIL told me that it was important that MIL & I
got on??!!(but not before then?)

We moved to another country...

This is definately a non-issue. Your DH is on your side and you rarely see them anyway so I suggest you just keep doing what you're doing and let their indignation and anger just burn out. If MIL has issues confronting people head on, then chances are you will never actually have to deal with it. Everyone's a winner

Mil has a habit of not speaking to people directly when she has a problem with then and talks to others about it. She says this is so not to upset them.

Well that, not to put too fine a point on it, is bullshit. Isn't it?

She doesn't say it to people's faces, because she doesn't have the balls to.

If she doesn't want to 'upset' people, then she should just butt out. Somebody else passing a message on doesn't dilute the message to the extent that it doesn't upset the recipient. She's just getting someone else to do her dirty work for her. In this case, her DH, and then her DS. It's a proper little Chinese Whispers system she's got going in, isn't it?

It's all a bit pathetic really. Tell your DH this, and tell him to tell FIl to tell MIL to just come straight to you next time there's a problem with you.

I bet my last $ she won't. And this way the seething, silent resentment gets to sit fairly and squarely where it belongs. With her, not you.

It sounds like she feels she isn't getting enough attention and her husband has jumped on board.

Not your job to give attention to anyone other than your dh and kids and YOU.

I often find it helpful to think things like, 'I will call them once a week for twenty minutes. I will be sure to ask about xyz. I will tell them an amusing anecdote about the children and refer to my own travails in a rather saintly fashion. Then I have done my duty. That is normal.'

Mind you, this is in relation to my own parents. I let DH speak to his and just chip in occasionally.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think facts are, I'm English, and as such have different cultural norms/expectations to them, and rheyve known me years now so need to just get over it. The religion thing I am going to ignore because IMO they should account for their own religiousness before commenting on mine. I will in future literally to keep the peace (dh suffers from anxiety and breathing difficulties so I don't want mil stressing him out, I'd rather take it tbh) call her every couple of days so she cannot say anything. One thing I won't be doing though is asking for help with my cooking.

omg op, are you my sil and do we share a MIL??? - seriously, your mother in law sounds manipulative but you're dh sounds lovely and supportive and annoying as PILs are that's all that matters, from experience I have seen if your DH is supportive and lets his family know in no uncertain terms to back off or not put up with their emotional /manipulative bullshit then that's more than half the battle won.

Sounds wise, no point feeding the drama. But do beware of creeping expectations, as I'm sure you already are.

just a thought....

perhaps you mil thinks she has recipes or cooking methods which she needs to pass down in the family - like her heritage or your inheritance. perhaps its not so much a criticism as her way of ensuring her knowledge isn't lost when she dies...