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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about oral sex

24 replies

laluna · 18/02/2013 23:19

Sorry - bit shocked and at a bit of a loss.

DD is 11 (yr 6) and has revealed this evening that a group of boys in her class have been discussing blow jobs - not the term she used - but she described how it has left her embarrassed, awkward and upset. Without dwelling on the technicalities, in my shocked state I reassured her that she was right to speak to me and I advised that is something not to think or worry about now at her age and that it is inappropriate discussion at school. We went on to have a bit of a talk about relationships and feelings and how they develop.

Am I being naive to be shocked that this primary school topic of conversation?

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 18/02/2013 23:27

You are being naive.

I understand your shock though... but Yr6 was THE year of these discussions for me, mostly they were inaccurate.

Your dd will be in High School in September, she's at that strange age where she's really too old for the innocence of the primary setting, and too young for teen content.

You dealt with it the right way, and I think you should be very proud that your dd feels able to discuss this with you. I suspect that I will have to try to find balance betwee feeling shocked and looking it with my boys soon, but I hope my sons feel as willing to speak to me as your dd does with you.

babanouche · 18/02/2013 23:29

I think you are being a bit naive tbh. But sounds like you handled it well by chatting and making sure your dd knows she can talk to you about this stuff.

My LO (9yrs) came home today saying they'd been talking about rape in class. I was shocked but I hid it. Seems the kids were talking about the corrie actor who's being done for child abuse. I think the teachers are right in letting the conversation happen in a safe environment. I asked my LO if he understood it all. He didn't so we had a chat about that.

I think they're too young but it's the world they live in :(

verytellytubby · 18/02/2013 23:31

I think you are right to be shocked. DD is in year 6 and very naive. As are her friends.

I was very naughty and wild and grew up with all older boys so I knew what a blow job was very young. My DD is much more sheltered and innocent.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/02/2013 23:32

I'd be shocked as well tbh. I suppose it depends on the DC and the school though.

SashaSashays · 18/02/2013 23:35

Agree, a tad naive, its normal for around that age.

Once they go to secondary school all bets are off really in regards to what they hear or find out about, so I think you should be happy she could talk to you about this and keep the lines of communication open on these type of topics so as you can be aware of whats going on.

It does sort of take you back at first I guess but at 11 she is the same age of many of those in yr7 and I suppose you wouldn't be as shocked if it happened then. Lots of children have older siblings, parents or watch/listen to these kind of topics going on around them.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2013 23:35

Yes naive I think.

I'm 43 and BJ's were discussed in Junior school (a Catholic one too Lol!)

The only difference was, none of us would have mentioned it to our parents.

Normally just friends or older siblings.

5madthings · 18/02/2013 23:41

When my ds1 was in yr 5 or 6, he came and said he had heard some children talking about blowjobs, he said is it true that its when someone sucks a willy.

I was a bit shocked but said yes and explained that when he was older and in a relationship that he would explore sexual acts like this, that its normal and some people like it, some don't tho I have never met a man that doesn't and that its fine to do these things with mutual consent, talking and being honest with each other etc.

queenofthepirates · 18/02/2013 23:53

Of course it's fine to be shocked but it's a slow journey towards sex and relationships and it's starting now. This doesn't mean she'll having sex any time soon, just that it's a topic on the table.

MrsMushroom · 18/02/2013 23:56

All those saying OP is naive....maybe she is however....if this were a grown woman saying that men in her office were discussing blow jobs in her hearing....then you'd all be telling her to complain.

Just because it's children does not mean it's to be expected due to their age.

OP....go in to see the teacher...tell her what DD has told you and explain that DD has a right to learn and to go to school without listening to sexual talk from peers.

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 00:02

Why is there someone always willing to make silly comparisons to adults in the workplace?

This is a school

These are children

Natural curiosity about sex will mean that no matter what the teachers say, kids wil always chat amongst their peers about it.

Grown men, women and workplaces don't come into this...not at all.

I agree the OP's DD shouldn't have to listen to it but I assume (perhaps wrongly) that she's free to walk away and chat to someone else?

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:05

Worra...you said it...they are children. They do not need to be exposed to talk like this if they are not comfortable with it....school is a safe environment....one in which girls and boys have a right to go to and be safe...and not exposed to sexual talk or actions.

If the boys want to discuss oral sex then they can at the very least be told to do it out of earshot of others....in the playground...and girls of 11 should be taught that sexual talk which makes them uncomfortable is not ok and THEY SHOULD KNOW that they can complain about it too.

SashaSashays · 19/02/2013 00:07

Good luck complaining every time there is sexual talk from peers.

I also wouldn't be encouraging a woman in a professional situation to complain. The OP hasn't said this discussion was directed at her daughter and I would only suggest an adult complained if they felt victimised by said conversation. Occasionally talking about sex in the workplace isn't generally something that warrants complaint.

Also they're kids, this is what they do. They hear about things and discuss them with each other, its natural curiosity, it doesn't sound as if the boys had this discussion in a malicious way, it doesn't warrant complaint.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:09

Rubbish Sasha. Not ALL kids do this....and why should SOME kids be allowed to do it? When others are made uncofortable by it? Where does it end? Sexual harrassment? A pinch on the bottom? A grope of someone's chest? That's where it heads....if not in primary but a year or two later....why should children not be protected as adults are?

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 00:11

MrsMushroom I agree anyone can complain about anything and kids should be told they're free to do so.

But if they complained about every single boy and girl who mentioned sex in the playground, they'd be in the Head Teacher's office more often than the Head.

The OP's DD can either learn to join a different conversation or complain.

But I do think it's very naive to think that the subject of sex hasn't been discussed in school playgrounds since schools began.

SashaSashays · 19/02/2013 00:15

Not ALL children have a natural curiosity about sex? Now thats rubbish.

At around the age of the OP's DD lots of children now are entering puberty, you're deluded which will trigger a heightened sexual curiosity, admittedly those who haven't yet reached that stage may not feel the same way but they will still have some level of interest.

ravenAK · 19/02/2013 00:15

No, discussion of a sexual topic & groping one's peers are two very separate things, with a bloody great line between the two, MrsMushroom!

Children will have these conversations. It's natural & normal curiosity.

Those who don't wish to listen/participate in the conversation, don't have to.

Unless those speculating about blowjobs are somehow forcing other children to join in the conversation, then it definitely doesn't warrant complaint.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:15

Worra we're not talking about mentioning sex....but boys discussing blow jobs. Not the same.

I seriously doubt they were being particularly mature about it...if they were perhaps the OPs DD would not have felt uncomfortable...but maybe OP can enlighten us?

www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/education in the meantime there's a link about sexual harrassment in schools.

aldiwhore · 19/02/2013 00:15

I'm somewhere in the middle between worra and MrsMushroom

It IS normal and it WILL happen.

It is also something that the school should be made aware of.

Not a complaint, not a demand to stop this talk (talking is good all round) but a head's up so that it can be kept within normal limits.

There's no need to be hysterical, but it shouldn't really be ignored. It will happen but it is a good opportunity to perhaps have a more open discussion within the school?

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:18

SASHA I never said that. I said not all children will talk about sex...in public.

It really depends on what was said no?

If we're talking "Oh...I heard that oral sex is sometimes called a blowjob and it's meant to feel really nice."
that's one thing....there are many not so nice ways to bring up the subject of oral sex around girls....and I bet the above wasn't it.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:19

OP...what was said? Was it directly to DD or did she overhear? Was it a group discussion or more like show off type chat?

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 00:21

Boys and girls discuss sex/oral sex and many other subjects to do with sex.

At that age none of them will be particularly mature about it...why would they?

As I said, kids can either join another conversation/walk away or complain.

But I stand by what I said - it's very naive to think that kids all over the UK don't talk about sex in the playground.

They're entering puberty after all.

SashaSashays · 19/02/2013 00:25

MRSMUSHROOMMMMMMM, It is a rare child who doesn't at some point discuss sex and relationships with their peers.

Also I think you need to cut the melodrama, it is a massive leap to go from 10-11 year old boys discussing oral sex to groping a classmate without permission.

I really cannot grasp this whole 'not appropriate subject around girls' aspect of your posts. It seems almost Dickensian, that boys should what not damage delicate little girls ears with this sexual talk. Is it because a blowjob would be predominantly a act for male pleasure, would it not be nice to bring up the subject of oral sex around girls if they were talking about cunnilingus.

It does depend on what was said, but I think the OP's post would have been quite different had it been they were being sexually aggressive in a physical or verbal manner to her daughter. Aldiwhore is right, in that yes you could discuss this with the school but it doesn't warrant complaint.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 00:26

OP has not said WHERE it occurred. Or in what circumstances. So it's hard to judge. However I'm not a complete prude...of course they talk about sex...but there are instances where guidance is needed....to ensure that no child feels unhappy or uncomfortable.

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 00:30

I do agree though MrsMushroom, the OP needs to clarify.

I think context/circumstance is key here.

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