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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that family feuds should be put to one side for a few hours!!!

59 replies

M0naLisa · 18/02/2013 21:37

We have booked DS3 Christening today for in 5months time.

I messaged family members to let them know the date and time.

My eldest cousin text me saying she is declining the invite as she cannot be in the same place as your mother.

I sent back that that i understand that as they dont speak but for one day could thy not put aside their differences, after all its DS3 day and not theirs.

She sent back 'i cannot even stand to look at her face, thanks for invite though'

Now normally i wouldn't mind if it was a party as such but its my sons christening for gods sake.

AIBU to be angry at this and think that its ridiculous? :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/02/2013 22:03

Lesbians can have children too you know...

NotSoNervous · 18/02/2013 22:05

It might be for the best, if there's arguing and tension then that's going to ruin your day more then them not being there

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/02/2013 22:06

squeakytoy
I do know that. She also wont be having chldren yet because she is travelling the world next year

OP posts:
Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/02/2013 22:07

NotSoNervous
yes i know that, all that matters is that the people that care will be there for DS3

OP posts:
whiteandyelloworchid · 18/02/2013 22:07

you may not know the full reasons, people don't tell everyone everything

Greensleeves · 18/02/2013 22:15

I haven't spoken to my mother for over 6 years and never will. No exceptions.

I know my reasons are more than good enough. If others want to label me "silly" or "childish", they can get on with it.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 18/02/2013 22:16

Is she religious? If not maybe she doesn't want to go to the christening and have to sit in a church, bored to tears, listening to a priest/vicar droning on. Your mum could just be a convenient excuse.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/02/2013 23:42

No she isnt religious, she would go but cos my mums going she wont go.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 18/02/2013 23:49

i'm a bit confused as to who you do and dont speak to and why it's ok for you to hold grudges but not other people. but anyway. YABU. why do you just want someone there for photos? tbh if i thought i was being invited to just make the photos look good i'd be pissed off.

also, i have an aunt that i dont speak with after she assaulted me. i dont attend any functions to do with her or her grown up dcs as i would feel very uncomfortable and worried that something might kick off. i'm not holding a grudge, i just dont trust the woman and dont want to risk her hurting me again or givingher a chance to put down my character. some family think i should get over it. their welcome to their opinion. it wasn't their throats she had her hands around.

aldiwhore · 19/02/2013 00:19

I think YABU to have text her again telling her she should be able to put her feud to one side. She was U for decling AND stating that she couldn't bear to be anywhere near your mum...

She does not have to attend the Christening, or give reasons. It's very sad but there you go.

Greensleeves · 19/02/2013 00:22

Perhaps it's not a "feud" at all, but a dead relationship that isn't going to be revived. In which case it really is not for you to be arguing or judging, is it?

aldiwhore · 19/02/2013 00:24

Will add that YANBU to think that people should be able to at least put differences to onside at certain times.

Unfortunately they don't.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 19/02/2013 00:26

Yes it is sad that they dont.

Like i said i dont have a grudge against step cousin, she refuses to talk to me when ever i try to talk to her so why should i bother.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 19/02/2013 00:26

aldiwhore don't you think it depends on what their "differences" are? Some people end relationships for the good of all concerned, or to protect their own children. Not every story has a happy ending.

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:31

the thing is though aldiwhore one party might be able to put their differences to one side and attend the party with no intention to bring up the dispute but you cant always be sure that the other person will do the same, especially if there is likely to be alcohol involved. to me it isn't worth the carnage that would be caused if my aunt had a few too many and started on me. i just dont trust that she could control herself enough not to so i choose not to put myself infront of her as a reminder that there is an issue. surely that is far kinder to the rest of the family for one person not to attend than for there to be at very least an atmosphere and at worst a full blown row (from her, not me- i would leave at the first sign of a sidewards glance so really no point in going anyway is there?)

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:32

monalisa i think you are right to stop trying to speak to your cousin as she has made it very clear that she doesn't want you to.

aldiwhore · 19/02/2013 00:34

I'm not saying people need to suddenly become best friends for a day. I have good reason to loathe my SIL, yet I didn't get hissy over a relatives 70th birthday, I went for the sake of the relative, said a cordial hello, ignored her the rest of the time. It wasn't easy at all.

If there has been a serious, dangerous reason, then I can accept that cordiality maybe too far a step... but to involve others is unfair. Politely decline invitations, you don't have to add "because so and so will be there" - chances are all involved will already know reasons.

"For the sake of others" is sometimes overlooked. But yes, there are often valid reasons why that cannot be called into play... I do agree greensleeves however a lot of the time a family feud is the result of something not in that category.

erowid · 19/02/2013 00:38

People are allowed to decline invitations no matter how silly or petty the reason may be and people shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not putting their feelings aside for the day.

Jinsei · 19/02/2013 00:39

Gosh, sorry, but you all sound as bad as each other. Unless there are truly horrendous things that have happened in the past, then it sounds like you all need to grow up and get over yourselves.

ravenAK · 19/02/2013 00:43

You've invited, cousin has declined.

Nuts to her: whatever her reasons, justified or not in your view, she's said she won't be there, so all you can do is plan your party based on those who are going.

It's really not worth an ongoing thing as to why she won't, ISBU, etc etc. You won't change anyone's mind & it'll be a big pile of crap detracting from your child's day.

WilsonFrickett · 19/02/2013 09:56

My question wasn't really based on the possibility of it happening in RL. It was more to ask if, in the same situation, you would be able to put your differences aside and put your family feud to one side. As you expect your cousin to do for you.

akaemmafrost · 19/02/2013 10:03

Annunziata Grin faces like thunder made me laugh. My Mum did that at my sisters wedding. They'd fallen out just before it and my Mum just couldn't get over herself to be pleasant at the wedding. People who weren't there couldn't believe the unpleasant look on my mothers face towards the bride when seeing the photos. Dsis and I laugh now but it's awful to do that to your own dd at her wedding ffs!

Original poster
M0naLisa · 21/02/2013 13:32

Well the mother of the cousin who also doesn't speak to mum has declined the invitation too because my mum will be there Hmm

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 21/02/2013 13:52

Growing up i had no experience of family fall outs, as my family is tiny. Literally just me and my parents and an old maiden Aunt.

My 1st husbands mother wouldn't speak to her sister - and i found this baffling. I often tried to get to the bottom of it all, but it was a never ending soap opera of she said this and she did that and i learned in the end that there was no helping them. My 2 exSILs were from big families and were forever squabbling too, either with our MIL or with each other. I couldn't keep track of it half the time.

My current DHs parents both have ongoing 'feuds' with their families which affects who gets invited where. I listen to it all and to be honest these days i just smile and nod. They've got their reasons - up to them. 90% of it is all so petty though. There's no abuse or violence. That i could understand feuding over.

OP - let people be people. If they don't want to be there then you don't want them there surely? IYKWIM? I would hate to think that anyone was attending my baby's day with anything except joy in their hearts - so just get on with organising a lovely day for those who are happy to share it with you all.

Scholes34 · 21/02/2013 20:09

Will and Ed just about managed it recently for Clarrie. Alas, not all families have it in them to behave as well as the Grundys, so you'll most likely just have to accept your cousin won't be coming. Saves on the catering for you.

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