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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to ask my MIL to loosen her grip on DD

28 replies

sushidave · 18/02/2013 16:36

Another one for the MIL-rage cannon...

We've just returned from a weekend away visiting DP's family in another city. They're a great bunch and I usually get along ok with MIL although we are quite different people. Her excitement about my 9wo DD (first GC) is morphing into sheer overbearingness and I'm looking for some advice / comebacks to help reassert my position as the one in charge when it comes to my baby.

MIL's babytalk is full of "my baby" and "why don't you stay here with me while mummy and daddy go home" and "do you want to sleep in my bedroom tonight" etc etc. Once she explicitly said "Mummy and daddy don't know what they're doing, do they? You'd better stay here". Yesterday when I needed to take DD off her to change her nappy, she started refusing, arguing that I'd wake baby up, she was happy where she was etc. I stood my ground and said that she needed her nappy changing, she could go back to Nanna afterwards but I felt like a right idiot standing over her wrestling DD from her. The most ridiculous performance of the night was when she sat on her (relatively new) DP's lap with DD, looking like some newborn tableau. Siblings in law looked pretty nauseated at that, so it wasn't just me that found the whole scene repellant. She'd had a few glasses of wine by this point.

The subtext of all this is that DD was prem, taken from me immediately after birth and spent 4 weeks on SCBU, so I'm pretty sensitive to further risks of separation, real or otherwise. I'd hoped MIL would have been sensitive to this too.

She's been really good to us since DD was born, buying quite a bit of baby equipment for us and has made it very clear that she wants a major role in DDs life. I want that too, but the way she's acting at the moment is affecting how I feel about future visits, proposed holidays etc.

DH has offered to have a word and ask her to tone it down a bit, reminding her that we're still recovering from the SCBU rollercoaster. I hate him fighting my battles and I doubt one chat would change things anyhow, so I'm looking for ways of dealing with her in a clear but lighthearted way. Alternatively, opinions on whether I'm just being supersensitive.

OP posts:

TheFallenNinja · 18/02/2013 16:38

In the most gentle, caring tone you can muster, gently take her hand, look her in the eye, smile sympathetically and tell her to back the fuck off.

getoffthecoffeetable · 18/02/2013 16:44

I think your DH is being really supportive and would let him speak to his DM, it must be irking him too so don't think it's just you that MIL is winding up.
It's not nice at all to tell any parent that they don't know what they're doing, I don't think it sounds like your being oversensitive at all.
Hopefully MIL will be mortified she's upset you both and will think a bit more about what she says in the future

magimedi · 18/02/2013 16:46

I don't think you are being supersensensitive & I expect she is very, very excited about having her first DGC (I know I would be).

I think getting DH to have a word with her is the best approach of all to start with. Hopefully that will work.

Don't forget that she has to learn how to be a grandmother just as you are learning how to be a Mum.

mrsstewpot · 18/02/2013 16:51

My little one was in the SCBU (although not as long as yours) so I can totally appreciate what you're feeling. It's as though you have so much catching up to do - it was so hard having to take a backseat whilst nurses and doctors carry out the little jobs that rightly should be yours.

Your baby is still so little so I would still take time to lock yourselves away and enjoy being a family.

From what you've said, MIL is being a little bit irritating but really not so bad - it's to be expected from an excited and chuffed first time granny! Try not to let it get to you too much. Perhaps you're just feeling a bit protective?

Stay strong and speak your mind - but relax and enjoy your LO.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/02/2013 16:51

No YANBU. In laws can be a pain.
Take your DH up on his kind offer to have a chat with her. It's his mum afterall and you are in this together so it's his battle too!
If that doesn't work then you will need to take her to one side and have a nice girlie chat about it all and hope it sinks in then.
Congrats and good luck.

ZZZenAgain · 18/02/2013 16:52

I don't think you are being over-sensitive, her behaviour is a bit unusual in my eyes but I am not sure how best to tackle it without causing offence.

digerd · 18/02/2013 16:53

The tableau she enacted, made me think she was broody perhaps, and hoping her new DP would also get into the mood. Is she still of a fertile age?

NigellaTufnel · 18/02/2013 16:57

If she says that you don't know what you're doing, or doing amy rubbish making digs at you by talking to the baby pull her up hard. Say, "if you have anything to say about my parenting, say it to me. Don't pretend to say it to the baby".

Atavistic · 18/02/2013 16:58

Firstly, congratulations.

I was incredibly close to my MIL for years before we had kids. The arrival of DD1, first GC, was the beginning of the end, of that closeness. The arrival of children causes a shift in the power base, and you, as a new mum with a traumatic start, will be feeling that more than any.

I've had 4 children, and I think I was a bit "off" for the first few months of their lives. I think it's sleep deprivation, coupled with the enormous change in your life. I always felt more irritated by MIL in those months.

I don't think you're weak by letting DH fight your battles. On the contrary, it is his job to deal with his mother. He's had a relationship with her for what, 30 years, while you've probably only known her a few years. The general rule would be that each partner deals with their own parent.

You're in a period of huge change. It sounds like they don't live too close, which is good. Try and keep her at arms length until you feel more established. The more sure of yourself you are, the less need there will be for quiet chats.

Proposed holidays??? Just say no!! Start as you mean to go on.

defineme · 18/02/2013 16:59

A lot of women (ime) can go a bit odd in this situation. If this is totally unlike her then I would give her a chance to calm down. Some women seem to find the whole grandchildren thing a big shock because they're confronting their own decling fertility/changing role in the family and so on.I think you did the right thing in standing your ground and keeping calm.
If there is actually background to this eg she's rude/insensitive normally, then I would keep your distance-material gifts mean nothing if there's no emotional support/respect.

MrsMushroom · 18/02/2013 17:03

"Newborn Tableau" sorry OP but you made me laugh at the horror! Poor you....my MIL went weird when DD1 was born....if it's any comfort, after a couple of years she chilled out. But I had to physically wrestle DD from her once too.

CatsRule · 18/02/2013 17:05

You are not being oversensitive, you are being just like any new mum, your mil has been there so should understand.

My ds wasn't separated from me at birth and I still feel like I don't want to be away from him...it must have been awful to not be able to do the newborn thing and having to wait 4 weeks, along with the worry, you need time together.

It didn't matter how much my dh spoke to his mother, and he did as he fully agreed with me and doesn't have the best relationship with her, it made no difference. It was me who eventually got her attention...she has dished our years worth of crap and went too far when our ds was born. It takes a lot to stand up to bullies especially when you are dealing with a new baby and all that goes with a new baby but I had to roar before she got the message and that isn't my style at all. Excited grandparents are one thing but selfish inconsiderate grandparents can ruin your own enjoyment of you child...nip it in the bud quickly is my advice before she gets out of hand. My relationship with mil was never good so I lost nothing by telling her to back off...she still hates me

pippop1 · 18/02/2013 17:08

I think the fact that she'd had some wine and was balancing DD whilst sitting on her DP's lap was a bit unsafe. She was probably not thinking straight as she was a bit drunk.

Should a drunk woman be holding a tiny newborn like that?

nilbyname · 18/02/2013 17:22

Congratulations!

Your MIL is probably very excited. I would if I were you let DH talk to her, and if she starts with the digs at you via the baby post that chat...then I would retort something along the lines of....

"Oh silly Grannie, she is forgetting I am your mummy! Come on little one" Big benign smile and take your baby.

Be kind, but be firm.

Original poster

sushidave · 18/02/2013 17:29

Thanks, wise women of MN! You've confirmed everything I was thinking about this situation (especially Atavistic's post which really chimed). I know it's not uncommon for 1st time GPs to go a bit loopy, but that doesn't mean her behaviour shouldn't be nipped in the bud. Hopefully she'll get a grip after DH has a word. I want to stop this asap - I saw it coming after a few gushing 'thank yous' after DD was first born, which I thought was a bit of an odd reaction as if I was giving her a gift or something. Still, I was a bit mental at the time and didn't really register until now as it fits in with her mother/grandmother identity crisis which may or may not be going on

Digerd, no she isn't, but I think there are some commitment issues going on there currently and DD became a bit of a pawn in the game after a or two.

And Defineme, that's just it, it feels really bloody disrespectful.

OP posts:

LimboLil · 18/02/2013 17:53

Oh dear me, yes got it sorted. The first words my mil said to me when she found out I was 8 weeks preg, ' Thank you thank you, my whole world has changed" and then launched into negotiations about how many days a week I would give her my baby. I knew there and then I was in for a rough ride!

mrsbunnylove · 18/02/2013 18:08

hello. don't visit her until you're sure you can 'manage' her properly. she's having too much time with your baby. she can have a little hold now and then but the baby needs to be with you.

MavisSparkle · 18/02/2013 18:12

She thanked you for the gift of a grandchild? What an absolute bitch - the cheek of it

Lavenderhoney · 18/02/2013 18:29

Eeeek! My mil was like this at first - she refused to hand back ds even though he was howling for me - wanted to bf, and she wanted to bottle feed him! I still remember the hard stare I gave her and she laughed!! Laughed ! I could have ripped her head off and I am a very gentle person.

Please encourage your dh to talk to her and don't allow weekends to become a regular trip or visit. Your baby needs to bond with you so she can't hold her for ages. Ten mins max maybe, as your baby will feel safe with your smell and starting to see you as they develop their vision. Blame the Mw:)

Do nip anything in the bud that bothers you, especially the baby talk with dd and her leaving you two out. Get your dh to do this as well. Maybe she thinks it's cute though? Start as you mean to go on, and it will be ok. If not, you wont want to see her, which would be a shame as she clearly loves her new gc.

How far away are they? An hour? Do they rng first? Hve they full lives?

BlatantLies · 18/02/2013 18:37

I would cheerily remind her and keep reminding her everytime that she does something loopy that the baby is your and your DH's baby and that she has had her chance at motherhood and this is yours.
Make it a bit of a joke about it but don't sit there quietly and seethe. If she offers unwanted advice just say (lightheartedly) that she has had her chance but you want to do it your own way.

Good luck.

WilsonFrickett · 18/02/2013 19:15

My mum did the 'my baby' thing, to which I alaways (loudly) replied 'Bloody hell mother, are you going senile? I am your baby, remember? That other one is

It worked eventually

WilsonFrickett · 18/02/2013 19:16

'that other one is MINE' that should read, don't know what happened there

DumSpiroSpero · 18/02/2013 20:26

You are incredibly lucky to have a DH who is willing to deal with his mother and support you - make the most of it and let him sort her out while you enjoy your DD.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 18/02/2013 20:34

YANBU nip this in the bud. Now. I wish I had.

ninja

LayMizzRarb · 18/02/2013 20:43

Don't allow habits to develop, like her coming round EVERY Saturday after shopping, or you visiting EVERY Tuesday. Or taking turns, like every other Christmas you visiting them, as once established, they will be harder to break. This is YOUR family. You have every right to start your own traditions.

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