To not want MIL to pop around unannounced when very pg and revising?

[toomuchribbon]

My parents-in-law live very nearby. They are absolutely lovely, generous to a fault, good company and kind. However my MIL can be a little intense in her desire to be familially involved and comes from a (Mediterranean) culture where families live happily in each others' pockets and their lives are inextricable. She would happily see us every single day if she could - I know this is lovely and so much more/better than some people have but it has now become too much - I am about to have our first DC any day now and have to study for med school summer exams ( (I am a grad retraining).

She has said before that she doesn't want to be "a stereotypical MIL intruding" but the problem is that we have different ideas of intrusion and different ideas of relationships, I guess.

She looks after her young grandchildren twice a week and as part of this takes them for a walk in the afternoon. She almost always knocks on our door while out. It is actually lovely to see them but I never know when they are going to pop in so tend to get on red alert with house-tidying etc every lunchtime in case they arrive. I know some will say let her take you as she finds you but to a large extent she expects this and even without, the tension is there. I have never shown this to her, of course.

But now with the baby things have changed. I am on maternity leave and need to study for the summer med school exams as much as possible before and after the baby comes.

I would actually happily see them as often as they pop in but would much rather have some warning; if we agreed even just a rough time in advance I would schedule my exam revision around it.

I am actually now overdue and facing induction, have had bad cramps for the past couple of days and couldn't see my MIL and other family over the weekend as a result. Nevertheless she came and knocked on the door just now and sent in my 2-year-old niece while I was doubled over on the sofa with the cramps to "say hello". It's probably the hormones and pain but it felt like the final straw and that I have no privacy left (she already calls during the day to see how I am with regard to progress of baby's arrival).

I am worried about what will happen when the baby arrives. Naturally I expect, and want, them to come over very frequently but in those first twilight couple of weeks when getting used to breastfeeding and so forth I really don't want them coming round unannounced.
It's not about coordinating their visits with those of other people, though that's important - it's simply about privacy.

I don't want to upset my DH though I know he will see my point of view; I'm just not sure how to put it delicately enough as I do need to address it with him. I am already unusually tense as a result of it and can't think it's ideal for imminent labour, to be honest.

I try to zone it out but it's suddenly become much more difficult to do so!
A lot of it is because while I know she loves to see me, a great deal of it is also about the principle - that I/we live nearby and that this is what families do and how she wants things to be.

So sorry for the length of this; typing in waiting room
while awaiting MW appt.

I think you've put it more than delicately enough here. You've not said "MiL is terrible, I can't stand it any more". On the contrary you've underlined how much you appreciate her and like seeing her as a general rule, but for just these few weeks around the birth you need a bit more warning of their visits. That is really not at all unreasonable. You're not even asking for fewer visits, just some notice.

I think you should put your fairly urgent need to dump the stress ahead of your DH's right not to be slightly upset, and just tell him exactly what you've told us. I suspect that's how he would see it too. Because I agree you need to dump the stress! It's not good to be writing MN MiL posts from the mw's waiting room

I would be clear with DH about how much notice you'd like though, so that he can be clear with MiL. "Can I pop round in five minutes?" isn't really going to cut it.

Hi op, just lock the door and say you were having a sleep.
When baby is here you need to get DH on side and ask him to tell his DP to ring/text well in advance if she was calling round as you are tired, and resting a lot. I had a bit of this with my Mil. She would text and say 'hi how was work, you finally finished?'' If i text back saying i had, she would be at my house with in mins OR god forbid i logged in to face book and she seen i was on line, that was a dead give a way too!

good luck hun x

Can you not ignore her when she knocks sounds mean I know and if she brings it up just say "Sorry, you hadn't told me you were coming, maybe let me know next time ao I can try and be in"?

OP just don't answer the door!

Maybe you could give her a time slot when you are having a study break each afternoon for an hour, and say she is welcome to pop in during this time but other times you'll be studying.

You need to sort something out for when baby is here though or it will spoil those first few weeks. I think getting her to check before coming round would be best, and not being shy about saying no. It's okay to say you are shattered/both having a bath/ BFing constantly and would like a bit of quiet.

She probably wants to be involved and helpful so maybe think of ways she could do this that would help you. Maybe doing some batch cooking, coming round and popping the kettle on, picking up some milk or what have you.

But if you hide she'll be worried and get someone to kick your door in to check you're not unconscious! Sometimes stress from trying to stop the unstoppable is too much to bear. Too late I'm afraid. Rest when you can. Try and get DH on board or invite a rottweiler relation from your side of the family after delivery. Otherwide let post natal hormonal weeps and tempers flow unchecked. Maybe consider moving before DC2 arrives.

My mil does this and tbf, although inconvenient at times it doesn't really bother me and I enjoy seeing her.

If I'm busy I tend to just tell her to get the kettle on and I'll be with her in ten. Could you do similar?

If she were bringing 2 preschoolers with her I most definitely would feel differently

Can you hang a sign on the door, that says
"Please do not disturb, I'm having a nap" ?

Then you don't have to answer the door, and she knows you're OK.

I would get your dh to tell her that at the moment you are really tired and uncomfortable so that you are sleeping lots so best not to pop around until after the baby has been induced (can't be that long away - not like you are asking her to stay away for a couple of months!). if she really must come around, then she needs to come around when your dh is around so that she is visiting him and you can escape rest (and revise!) as necessary.

Then, once the baby is born and you're back at home, get in there first and invite her around for a fixed time - beginning and ending!! For the first week or two you're not likely to be in a fixed routine, plus there may well be visits from the MW or HV, plus you're going to be tired so want to have lots of naps. So phone to arrange something - but if the phone isn't answered, then it means you and the baby are asleep so leave it a couple of hours and try again later. Or come around in the evening when your dh is there to field her and you can relax.

She sounds like she is going to intend to be very involved so best to set fairly strict rules to start with - much easier to relax them when you are happy and confident and up to dealing with her popping in - or saying no when you're not, than try to put up with it regardless and then resenting her forever more for spoiling your early days (and exam results!) or having a big explosion at her thanks to the help of hormones that will also have effects that ricochet down through the years...