Is this about my expectations and AIBU

[DowntonTrout]

Mum, with Alzheimer's , had to move to a home last summer. Her DP died suddenly and she needs to be watched 24 hours. They lived 2 hours away and it was not practical to try and keep her in her own home. Her DPs family also made it clear that they wanted her out of their shared property, even though there was provision for mum to remain there in the will.

My DB and DSis seemed to think that she could move in with me and my family. We have room and I did this with my Dad when he was dying. However mums dementia meant that I did not feel it was in mums best interests, nor in the best interests of my family. Me and DSIS found somewhere that was 5 mins walk from DSis house (she does not drive) not my first choice home but good non the less, to make it easy for DSIS to visit. All along they knew that I would be living away during the week from this January for 6 months, and that for this period I would only be able to visit mum once a fortnight, whereas for the previous 4 months I was going 3or 4 times a week. This will resume after the summer.

DB lives abroad so while he flys over every 3 months he is no practical use. So the onus is on me and DSis. dSis has no partner or children, lives alone and is in her 50s. The first 2 weeks I was away I found DSIS had not visited for 3 weeks. I checked mums bathroom and found no toothpaste, shampoo, soap etc. I replaced all these and left DSIS a message to say please check these items when you visit. 2 weeks later I noticed the shower gel was low and as I did not have time to go out and buy some asked DSIS to take some in on her next visit but reminded her to check anything running low.

Yesterday, 2 weeks later, the empty shower gel tube is upside down screwed up to get the last drops out. There is no more. DSIS had been 2 days before ( I saw from the visitors book) she has not responded to any of my messages. The staff say they havent seen her much. I will do a shop and buy double everything so this doesn't happen again. But I'm really cross. DH says my expectations are too high and I can't make people behave the way I want them to. There are no money issues, I know because I was executor for Dads will and after a lot of issues with property I finally got everything sorted and paid DSIS and Dbro a large amount of money a couple of months ago. Also she could just take the money for these items from mums "spending money" which is held in the safe at the home. I don't do that, it's not much for a few toiletries, but I could if I wanted, so that's not the issue.

Just so as not to drip feed, DSIS and DB are close to mum whereas I was estranged from her for about 10 years. This is all forgotten by mum as the alzheimers gas taken her memories. They both mooted the idea of having her live with them at one point, when I made it clear that I wouldn't, but DB is all over the world with his job and DSis houseis too small, although she suggested using mums money to buy somewhere big enough for the two of them. I don't know how this would have worked when she can't even visit regularly or make sure mum has basic needs covered. Omg this is so long- sorry.

So am I BU and if not what do I say to DSis when she finally answers her phone? Or do I just deal with it all myself, as I have done all along really?

Well I´m tempted to say deal with it yourself tbh.

You can´t make your sister visit & getting toiletries isn´t that hard, is it?

I know it´s upsetting when siblings don´t bother with an elderly parent.

But you should do what you want.

I was recently pissed off with sister as she hadn´t visited dad for a while.

Made it obvious she couldn´t go at Christmas as no time or money-& I would have to if he wasn´t to be alone-yet she magiced up a week in November

And she went on & on about how well he was-er hello! I was there at Easter & had already told her about how well he was!

But then I realised if I want to see Dad-it doesn´t matter what she does or doesn´t do.

He loves us both, it´s not a competition iyswim.

All of that said, if she´s 5mins walk away, I can´t see why she isn´t there just about every day tbh!

Unless she works long hours or has other commitments, I´d have thought that short, regular visits would be manageable.

Taking care of a relative is really hard and I'm sorry that you're dealing with it. Your sister us being unreasonable but you can't force someone to care.

This is big enough and hard enough and if she's not going to pull her weight then you need to make it as was as possible for you. Bulk buy toiletries so that you're not worried about one running out.

We have similar in my family (elderly uncle - he only has us). My dad goes lots, i deal with finances and food. Mum coordinates his care / hospital etc. My brothers do nothing. Pisses me right off but i can't force them. I bulk cook for him and freeze for his carers to reheat rather than running down every day after work with a meal.

Hard one but don't under estimate the pressure of expectation. My mum loks after her elderly dad in a care home and it is a stressful experience and me and my sisters do all we can with regard to visiting to ensure there stress is minimised. Her sisters live away and have no idea of the amount of time she spends seeing him. It is a weight on her mind and perhaps your sister is struggling to see her mum with alzheimers?

That said, does your mum not have an account at the care home with money in that they use for toiletries? Not everyone who lives there will have regularly visiting relatives so there should be provision for this. You say she has spending money, the home can use this?

I think yabu but not for the wrong reasons. You care about your mum and so does your sister. Does she realise these things need to be baught?

She works in a retail outlet that sells these items. It is also a few minutes walk from her and mums home so there is no reason not to pick up something at work and drop it in on her next visit.

I don't want to imply I mind buying the toiletries. DSIS had agreed it was ok for her to do the lions share while I was away so I just can't comprehend that she would leave a woman who is incapable of asking for these items without them, when I had told DSIS that she had run out.

I should have stocked up for mum before I went away, but seeing as DSIS is a grown adult with no other responsibilities, and I had asked her to do this, I can't believe that mum was left without even toothpaste!

I have a mother with dementia and I think it can bring out a lot of conflict if families aren't on the same page about how to manage it/how much input and support they are required to make.

I had an incident about two years ago when my DF (who looks after my DM with some support from a help agency) went abroad for two and a half weeks on a work-related trip and I ended up staying for the entire time and doing all of the caring. I had a 9 mo baby at the time and my DM was in a state of near hysteria for most of the time wondering where her husband was. My Dsis came to stay for about three nights and then buggered off claiming she had to work. I was also working full time at that time but had taken the time as holiday. I felt really used and as if she had just assumed that because I had a kid then it was part and parcel of a broader caring job I was able to do while she with her executive job wasn't. We've since done a lot of talking about it and I think she has accepted she was wrong and we now manage it quite well, one of us tends to visit at least once every fortnight (we both live around 60 miles away and have ft jobs and in my case a child so this is about as much as we can manage). Its not ideal but it means my parents rarely go more than a fortnight without an overnight visit from one or both of us, plus they have carers in the week.

I would suggest initially you take your Dsis out somewhere neutral for lunch and a coffee and tell her calmly that you feel that the relationship is skewed and she's not doing enough and spell out what you need her to do. Leave her to think about it.

That's all you can do really: she will either buck her ideas up and start pulling her weight a bit more or she won't. If its the latter you may just have to accept that you will have to do a bit more of this sort of thing and that she's not really up to it. She may respond well if you talk to her. Ultimately though, you can't force her.

I think you need to assume your DSis isn't going to step up, no matter what you say. She might make an effort for a couple of weeks, but if she's in her 50s, no DCs, never married and has always lived alone, she's probably really not used to the idea of having to factor in another person. Nothing wrong with that as such, but you just had different assumptions because you've done it for your Dad and if your mum was close to you you would do it.

My suggestion would be to speak to the home, see if it's possible if they could buy the toiletries, you might have to pay over the odds for htis, but they must have residents who have no family to shop for them and proceedures for this.

Then perhaps speak to your Dsis and not tell her how often she has to visit, but ask her practically what can she commit to do, tell her to think about it and come back to you with an honest answer because if it's every 2 weeks, then you'd rather know so you can plan round it. If htat is the case, then i'd look at moving your mum to a home near you. At least then you can fit in more visits yourself and perhaps when you are away your DH could pop in.

I´m sure you don´t mind buying the toiletries, & it would seem to make sense that she would, doesn´t it?

Problem seeming to be that she isn´t visiting very often!

Which of course is up to her-but she´s not bothering to tell you. leading you to think that your mother´s stocks have been replenished!

I agree with PP-assume sister isn´t doing it, have stuff with you just in case, if it´s needed leave it, if not, take it next time.

But perhaps worth finding out when sister visits as you might not want to turn up together if it´s too much for your mum for example.

Your sister is completely unreliable & I would not make any more efforts with her, other than writing her a polite brief letter (send it recorded & do keep note of its delivery details) that I intended to make all future decisions about your mother's care without her input unless she gets in touch.

I would chat to the Home about a system to keep you more informed of her needs in the spells when you're less available.

Very important: don't go down the route of your mum living with sister. Not if you value the possibility of any inheritance.

Mums home is near me too. Except I am living 200 miles away during the week at the moment.

It is very true that someone alone in their 50s cannot factor in what responsibility to someone else is. Whereas me, with DH, 3 DCs, 2 homes to look after, travelling the length of the country each week, with mobility issues and waiting for an operation, can.

I have so many conflicting issues with this. DB and DS much older, I was left alone with a depressed mother, neglected by her, and had a very toxic relationship with her, that they did not experience. It's hard as while mum has forgotten, I have not, but I put this aside as mum needs me now.

I don't try and force her to visit, she did at first, and I assumed that while I was away, this would continue. I also assumed that if I asked her to do something, ie buy shower gel, and as it would not put her out in any way, that she would do it. She also believes that mum has left her everything in her will and I think she's a bit annoyed at all mums money going to pay for her care, as she won't get much of anything now.

dSis had all these ideas that mum was deteriorating through not enough stimulation. We would take her out together at first, as I drive. Or we would go for walks when the weather was good. But mum is unsteady on her feet and DS would not walk with her as she wanted to push mum to walk by herself. I walk at mums side and hold her hand but as i have back issues i cant have her leaning on me for long so i asked DSis to walk with her instead. DSis says no, she needs to get used to walking by herself and lets her take a few steps. Mum nearly fell and wanted to go back. She said she was scared. DSis doesn't get this.

DSIS works nights 4 on 4 off. I understand that it messes with her sleeping patterns. I asked DSIS to let me know when she was visiting so we didn't always cross over. Nothing. She doesn't always sign the signing in book, which is bad in itself as it needs to be done for fire safety, but also means I can't tell if she's been or not. I have asked the home staff to speak to her about this. She is thoughtless and irresponsible.

She doesn't answer her phone or reply to any messages. And I don't ring up ranting or accusatory. I'm just tired and feeling under pressure from all directions but I suppose it's a case of if you want something doing ask a busy person.

I think you need to assume you are doing this on your own then. Speak to the home about ways to monitor the toiletries levels and possibly paying more to have it covered. I would treat it like you don't have a sister, just a brother in another country and it's fallen to you. If you don't have a good relationship with your mother, and don't need the inheritance, then throw money at this problem, if that home can't offer a level of care you need without family input, then find another one who will.

Accept any visits/effort your sister puts in will be a bonus, but you can't rely on her. Can your DH visit at all when you are working away? do you have anyother extended family who could be called upon to visit now and then? If they know you are away (and just say DSis can't do it, you don't need to elaborate) then any cousins/aunts who might be prepared to visit while you're working away if that means they only have to commit to say 1 visit a month just to check she's ok/pick up anything she needs. Any other old friends of your Mum you could contact and say that you are going to be away and would love to know your mum is being visited while you're away with work...

Yes. There are one or two who will visit once in a while. DH won't and I won't ask him. It's hard enough on him, me being away, and if it was just that he would do it but I think he won't ever forgive what went on with mum years ago. To long a story to go into.

I can't forgive either, but that person is gone. What's left is a sweet, charming and mild mannered lady, perhaps the person she would have been without her mental health issues. Certainly she is not my mother. So I can handle that. My DCs don't know her really and she doesn't know who they are either.

I will speak to the home manager as I am home for a few days and see what they can do about the toiletries. Even if I put a stock of things in mums drawers someone will have to get it out for mum when she needs fresh things. When I have my op I will be out of action for a month, maybe more, and I don't want to be worrying about these things then.

Still, if I am BU to have expectations, I am bloody cross with not so D sis, but I will lower my expectations and deal with it myself.

I don't think you are BU to have expectations, but it's ok to acknowledge that to a certain extent, you are a better person, so you can't make your sister become a better person. That she's only ever had to think about herself in her adult life and is in her 50s would mean it would be harder for her as she's going to be more stuck in her ways (a lot of people in their 50s are grandparents and retired to put it in perspective). That's not an excuse, but it might well be an explaination.

It might be easier for you if you mentally stop thinking about her as someone who should be doing equal work - think of her in terms as being like your DB, unable to help for his own reasons (his being that he's chosen to live in another country, your DSis because she's selfish, even if that's not deliberate and she does'nt recognise it in herself).

If your Mum's home can't help more, then you might want to look for others where they need less family input. Pre your op, I'd talk to extended family and ask them to arrange a few visits (if you had 4 or 5 people doing a visit staggered so everyone's only been asked to go once, butt hat means your mum has had a visitor at least once a week), talk to your DB, explain that your sister just isn't visiting regularly and when you have your op, would he mind arranging a trip over so in the middle of it for a week he's here to sort anything your mum needs etc. Plan without your Sister. If she choses to visit in that time, great, but if not - you aren't worrying about it.

I do wonder about DB and DSis expectations of me though and how they come to the conclusion that they don't need to have input because Downton will sort things out.

This was the same with my Dad before and after he died, and they both expressed regret that they hadn't done/visited more. They knew he was dying and time ran out.