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AIBU?

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Help me convince my collegue that, at best, this is ill thought out? (long)

37 replies

HollyBerryBush · 18/02/2013 08:38

Because she isn't listening to a word I say! oh dear this is long ....

Colleague (41) has boyfriend she met in an online gaming forum, he's 42. He's never been in a relationship before, never had sex before meeting her, still lives at home with him mum and dad (mum still cleans his bedroom and takes no 'keep' from him either). He works 10 hours a week (2 hours per morning) in the local sorting office. This is enough to pay his petrol and car running costs. He doesnt actually seem to like full time work.

He lives up country and comes to visit every Friday night through Sunday afternoon.

As you can imagine, their sex life is dire, he's very enthusiastic, but its very lights off under the duvet. He's embarassed about nudity, foreplay, the whole caboodle and definitely wont DTD if her children (19 and 15) are in the house. Nor would he when they stayed at his parents for a few nights over Christmas.

I have suggested talking about needs and desires, books, mirrors, mutual masterbation, tinned fruit Grin (ok that was a joke on my part), leaping on top and giving him the ride of his life. Any mention of sex causes him acute embarassment. He apparently doesnt ever have the need to masterbate on his own either, let alone have mags - because his mother cleans his room and generally tidies up after him he can't have any private things.

He lives up country and comes to visit every Friday night through Sunday afternoon.

She's had this brilliant idea to sort out their sex life and issued him with an ultimatum. >rolls eyes< He has 6 weeks to hand in his notice and move in with her, 3 months after that to get a job or she is packing him back to his mothers. He can't come any sooner because his car tax is due.

I have pointed out the following - at 42, with 25 years 'work' behind him, living at home with no board to pay, he should be loaded, or at very least be able to pay his car tax without saving. He cant because he spends all his money on fishing equipment.

I have also pointed out that by resigning, he won't qualify for any benefits, and with the 3 month time frame she has given him, she will effectively be keeping him as he has no other source of income nor savings to use and will probably have to pay for a tank of petrol to send him back to his mothers.

I fail to see how their sex life is going to sort its self out if (a) he cant talk about it (b) wont try anything (c) her children will be in the house all week

His good points? He is 'nice' and 'sweet'. Which he is, I've met him, and wet 'nice' describes him perfectly. He's very passive, likes housework.

She on the other hand is very outgoing, loud, giggly, works like trojan at 2 jobs to keep food on the table and also does some volunteer work.

I asked flat out 'so what are you getting from this relationship?' - "he's nice and I look forward to seeing him"

Have I missed anything out that would convince her that this is A. Bad. Idea ?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 09:29

The worst that could happen is that this man moves in with her, doesn't hit her job deadline, she kicks him out and he goes back home a broken man with no job, not even the tiny bit of independence he has now.

It sounds more like she's going to attempt to mould a "forever man" Hmm out of the unformed clay she perceives this guy to be.

Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

DinglebertWangledack · 18/02/2013 09:32

Although you probably have a point, sadly I think it really is none of your business....

HollyBerryBush · 18/02/2013 09:33

Trust me, I do';t solicit this information, people just need to tell me this sort of shit. I don't even have these discussions with my best mate.

Actually, you've just run a bell in my head - she's a people sorter-outer.

I passed on a mechanics number to another (single) collegue, and she phoned me to ask if the mecahnic and single friend had exchanged numbers, whether there were any plans for a date, whether they'd hit it off etc etc - umm, I was faciliting her getting her lights fixed, not acting as a bloody dating agency. And I wouldnt ask anyway.

I think it's the whole 'ultimatum' with time frames that made me think she's going about the future of the relationship in the wrong way.

OP posts:
Maryz · 18/02/2013 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErikNorseman · 18/02/2013 09:39

My previous work colleagues were 2 of my best friends, we shared a lot, so that's not weird.

OP you're not wrong, but people have to make their own mistakes in life.

tinselahohoho · 18/02/2013 09:42

So, a work colleague (not a friend) comes to you, tells you this level of intimate detail, you solicit nothing, you don't want this type of conversation - but you suggest mirrors and mutual masturbation? Confused

Don't think it's the rest of the world that has problems with boundaries, do you?

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/02/2013 09:46

Sounds like your friend wants someone that she can control.

TheSecondComing · 18/02/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yakshemash · 18/02/2013 09:47

There's nothing wrong with a passive man who likes housework.

I've got one myself Grin

Seriously OP, keep your beak out. You sound a bit....sneery

Groovee · 18/02/2013 09:48

I think sometimes, people need to make mistakes to learn from them. This sounds one of them.

MadameCastafiore · 18/02/2013 09:52

I'd be telling her to run for the hills! Mind you I'd tell DH to leave if he jacked in his job to work 2 hours a day, spent loads of time fishing and playing computer games but maybe this is the sort of man she is happy with.

Let her make her own mistakes. Tbh I imagine he will run for the hills himself if she gives him an ultimatum.

AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2013 12:42

I agree with you, Boney.

Anyone who is giving ultimatums to their partner to give up their job and their home is hoisting vermilion banners.

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