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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend needs to be more responsible

16 replies

ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:24

My friend has a 2 year old DD, whose dad she split up with a year ago. Her ex is a bit of a twat and I thought my friend was incredibly strong to leave him and cope with becoming single mum to such a young DD. she handled the breakup really well and DD consequently took it in her stride. So far so good.

She met a guy 3 weeks ago having hooked up on a dating site and is completely smitten, which of course is great, but she's turned into a schoolgirl about the whole thing. Within days of them meeting she introduced him to DD and had him stay over at her flat. In fact I get the impression he's pretty much moved in. She's told her ex about her new man but hasn't said that he's part of their DD's life now or that he's even met her, which I don't think is very bright given DD is likely to mention him whilst staying at her dad's at the weekend. But what really does my head in is that new guy has decided he's a childcare expert (he has no kids) and is telling her how to manage her DD's sleep, eating etc and my friend just does everything he says without question.

I've talked to her about taking it slowly, being safe and careful given DD etc but she seems to have run away with her feelings and isn't thinking about her responsibilities. I want to be a bit more straight-talking about this. Is it my place?

OP posts:
pictish · 17/02/2013 22:26

It's as much yours as anyone else's I'd say!

Be prepared to get nowhere except and one way ticket to on friend less though.
I agree with you wholeheartedly btw.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2013 22:27

Well someone needs to tell her what an idiot she's being but sadly it sounds as though she's not going to listen.

I can understand she might be lonely, but she's acting like a selfish dick putting her DD at potential risk.

pictish · 17/02/2013 22:27

a one way ticket to one less friend that was supposed to say....

aldiwhore · 17/02/2013 22:28

The trouble with good friendships is that even if something is not your business, you should say something. It's a no win situation!

I would tell her what's on my mind, gently at first, without lecturing... you may not agree with her, worry for her even but she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, even if they are unwise. Don't wade in with criticisms of her new bloke either... she'll simply turn her deaf ear.

Sounds like you've been gentle. She has the right to disagree. I'm not sure how straight talking you wish to be but tread very carefully, you're at risk of BU!

HollyBerryBush · 17/02/2013 22:34

I'm always suspicious of men who latch onto single mothers and immediately integrate themselves in their lives. And no I'm not accusing any one of that - merely that they are vulnerable and easiily manipulated, and thats a recipe for another failed relationship when she finally comes to her senses. Some people prey on the weak and the vulnerable.

More or less moved in? expert on child care? Red flags a flying here.

Original poster
ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:37

I agree HollyBerry. I'm not for a second thinking terrible things, but control freakery alarm bells are ringing. Not good for her or her daughter. I need to get her on her own and try to walk the nightmare tightrope of addressing this!

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 17/02/2013 22:39

She won't listen ....she's all loved up .... all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong.

Original poster
ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:42

If it does Holly. My friend has had a really hard time with PND as well as the relationship problems with her ex - this was why I was so proud of her bring strong and setting up on her own. But I still think she's vulnerable. He's told her to stop her anti-depressants and she's obliged. In fact more red flags now I think about it.

I'm worried she'll end up stuck with a controlling partner more than I am about them ending up splitting.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:44

God now I think about the anti depressants thing I'm really starting to wonder.

OP posts:
5madthings · 17/02/2013 22:45

Oh dear it doesn't sound good at all and the more you say the more red flags there are. Why has hetolkd her to stop taking her antidepressants?!!

Original poster
ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:49

He says he's suffered depression in the past and thought they caused more harm than good. She's on Citalopram (similar to Prozac) and stopped without speaking to the GP. I've been on Prozac myself in the past and I know coming off them can be wobbly even if you're ready to and you gradually reduce them.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 17/02/2013 22:50

She will become dependant upon him.

All you can do is not be judgemental - just throw questions back at her ie the stopping on andi-Ds "oh, did the doctor suggest that? Ar you feeling better for it?" You have to implant ideas in her head.

I know people need/want to crack on with their lives, but signing upto a dating agency when you are in the grips of PND isn;t the brightest idea either in my book. She needs to concentrate on getting her self well before directing energy into a new realtionship.

If he's still around, I give it 4 months before shes pregnant again. Then he's got her well and truely hooked.

5madthings · 17/02/2013 22:51

What dose of citalopram? I tookthat for pnd and its important to come off gradually.

Sorry but he doesn't sound good to me.

Original poster
ChairmanWow · 17/02/2013 22:57

Not sure of the dose I'm afraid. I did talk to her about at the very least needing to speak to the GP about it and do it in a controlled way but she's convinced that her happiness with the new relationship will carry her through. I totally understand her logic and I remember feeling loved up myself when I met my husband. To be honest it's taken looking at things on this thread to really set the alarm bells going so god knows what it'll take for her.

God I hope she doesn't end up pregnant.

OP posts:
chocolatepuff · 17/02/2013 22:58

sounds very worrying, i can understand your concern. maybe go down the 'im worried about you' line, and suggest counselling? somewhere inside she'll know shes being reckless, but is in denial about it. counselling will help her gain self awareness and insight, which is the only way she'll change. other than this there is nothing you can do. very frustrating and upsetting to watch something like this unfold though, i sympathise

Tasmania · 17/02/2013 23:01

Ok, people like that... I just really don't get.

I hope her DD will be fine. Afraid, if you say something, she will get defensive.

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