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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DD has SN and expect her teacher to do something?

99 replies

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 17:10

When DD was at nursery school she spent the entire year talking to her friends but no adults at all - not even once. Since starting reception in September she hasn't spoken to any other child, though she does have friends. She reads her words to her teacher one on one but doesn't speak at all all day other than that. At home she never stops talking and is very happy but she has been really despondent about going to school for the past few weeks and isn't enjoying it at all. Surely almost 2 years of not talking in a school environment is enough proof she isn't going to suddenly ''come out of her shell's and her teacher should do something?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 17/02/2013 17:12

My almost 5 year old doesn't talk much at nursery, but yaps non-stop at home. She doesn't like social situations much.

What exactly do you want her teacher to do?

You should visit your GP, explain why you think your DD has SN and ask for a referral.

SoldeInvierno · 17/02/2013 17:12

I think, as the parent, YOU should do something.

HollyBerryBush · 17/02/2013 17:13

What would you like to happen?

Are you sure she hasn't spoken to another child in 5 months? I cant see that happening in the playground.

FWIW, anecdotally, DS2 was a quiet little mouse all the way through primary - I got the shock of my life at parents evening in Y7 when his form tutor described him as the life and soul of the party.

BoundandRebound · 17/02/2013 17:14

Not uncommon for a confident chatty child out of school to be a shy one inside, I have one of those too. It's not an SEN, she's not selectively mute

Toughasoldboots · 17/02/2013 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 17/02/2013 17:16

It's not really down to teachers to decide if children have SN or not. The first thing you should do is talk to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental peadeatrician. This will take some time. In the meantime you should ask for a meeting with school to discuss your concerns and see what action can be taken.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2013 17:17

Since starting reception in September she hasn't spoken to any other child, though she does have friends

I don't understand how that works?

Have you invited the friends over to play?

SashaSashays · 17/02/2013 17:19

What you've described isn't that unusual behaviour from a child, particularly at that age. I've seen it many times and lots of even worse cases.

However YOU are the parent and it is YOUR responsibility to do something.

If YOU have the belief (which from what you've said doesn't seem warranted), that she has special needs, YOU must seek a diagnosis of this. The teacher can't do this for you and without a diagnosis she can obviously do her best to cater for your DD but ultimately cannot make special or specific arrangements.

I mean really what are you expecting the teacher to do?

SashaSashays · 17/02/2013 17:20

Also how do you know she isn't speaking to any other children or doesn't say anything else other than reading aloud?

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2013 17:23

It sounds like selective mutism to me BoundandRebound why do you think it's not? (honest question).

OP - I think she does need help but unless this is the teacher's area of expertise then I think it's unreasonable to put together a plan of action, although she could be expected to follow one put together by an expert.

So what you need is some expert input. Can you speak to the teacher, or school's SEN co-ordinator about getting that. If they want to 'wait and see' then I think you need to agree how long for and what exactly you are waiting to see. For example, if by the end of the year she talks to one other child occasionally would that be OK?

Be very clear in your head what you want your dd to be able to do. My experience of selective mutism is very small (one child) but she is 11 and they are still 'waiting to see' and though she will speak to a few close friends she has never once spoken to a teacher or contributed to a group discussion or anything.

sooperdooper · 17/02/2013 17:24

How do you know she hadn't spoken to any other child, I'm assuming you aren't there with her? I don't understand what you mean about nursery, do you mean she used to talk to other children there but now she's at school she isn't?

seeker · 17/02/2013 17:27

What happens when she has friends to play?

CloudsAndTrees · 17/02/2013 17:35

Does she answer questions when the adults at school speak to her, or are you certain that she only opens her mouth to talk when she is reading her words?

Wishiwasanheiress · 17/02/2013 17:52

What's her lack of chatter got to do with SN? I think possibly ur teacher could listen to u a bit more but ur post sounds a bit full on. If guess most kids talk more at home, dunno that's an sn indicator?

ComposHat · 17/02/2013 17:59

who'd be a teacher?

you've noticed this behaviour and done the precise sum of fuck all. You want an overworked teacher with 29 other kids to wave a magic wand and make everthing okay?

your daughter your problem.

cory · 17/02/2013 18:43

My ds went through a phase when he refused to speak English but only used his minority language, which nobody outside his family understands. It was not SN, just a mix of shyness and stubbornness. It made life very awkward with the other children. He came out of it, but not every child will.

I'd go in and chat with his teacher in an open-minded way, just to find out to what extent there is a problem at school, and then see about a possible diagnosis and/or chat with the SENCO.

lljkk · 17/02/2013 18:48

It sounds like selective mutism to me, too, the key is in the name.

I don't think teacher can do much, that's the thing with SM, no amount of pressure will change and the more laid back everyone is about it the better the chances that child will sort themselves. Do not make a fuss. Do Google so you know it's not that uncommon.

One to one playdates with children she likes in your home might be a key to helping her to open up.

ouryve · 17/02/2013 18:49

YOU need to ask for a referral. Teachers can't do that.

Figgygal · 17/02/2013 18:50

Sorry your job to do something not teachers agree with the others

DeepRedBetty · 17/02/2013 18:52

Have you actually discussed this with her teacher or are you expecting the teacher to be psychic ?

Catsdontcare · 17/02/2013 18:53

As a parent it's your job to get the ball rolling if you suspect SN. You need to see your GP. You can ask your dd's teacher to write a report about your dd's behaviour at school to back you up.

A teacher cannot diagnose SN.

Catsdontcare · 17/02/2013 18:54

What is it you feel the teacher should be doing?

SirBoobAlot · 17/02/2013 18:54

How do you know she hasn't said a word?

And yes, you are being unreasonable. If you're so convinced there is a problem, why have you waited two years, and then decided it is down to the teacher? Confused

Shellywelly1973 · 17/02/2013 18:57

Teachers are just that,teachers!

My ds has SN &actually presumed teachers would have training in dealing with SN. They generally dont.

I would speak to the SENCO at your school. I would also speak to your G.P.

teacherandguideleader · 17/02/2013 18:58

I believe I had selective mutism at school - I never spoke. My teachers never picked up that there was anything wrong, they were probably just grateful for a quiet kid in the class! It didn't harm my education so I don't see it as being a special need as such.

I have children in my classes who don't speak. Unless I thought it was affecting their education (i.e. they were not hitting their target grades) there is probably nothing I would do. Some children are just quiet in school.