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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DD's dad should contribute to holiday childcare costs?

18 replies

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 16:21

DD is 5, her father and I have been seperated for 3.5 years. At mediation he said he wanted her for at least half of all school holidays, that he'd have her for all of them if he could. In actual fact, he's had her the odd extra night very occasionally and ignores me when I ask if he'd like holiday contact. When holidays arrive he claims he 'didn't realise' it was school holidays - despite texts and emails from me and his live in girlfriend working in a school nd therefore having the same holidays. AIBU to think that he should have to contribute to childcare costs (£35 per day!) If he can't fulfill his responsiblity/promise to have our daughter half the time?

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 17/02/2013 16:23

Isn't his child maintenance calculated based on how often he has her?

fluckered · 17/02/2013 16:24

does he pay maintenance?

ihearsounds · 17/02/2013 16:27

Aren't you claiming childcare either through tax credits or vouchers from work?
Have you looked at alternative forms of childcare?
Yes csa is based on night contact, so if he has her more, money will be reduced.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2013 16:27

Depends on other factors. If you claim the CB and CTC and he pays maintainance then no as it should come from that. If he doesnt pay maintainance then yes he should contribute.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 16:27

Yes he pays maintenance based on his basic wage but also works on the side; his maintenance barely covers her food let alone activities, childcare, clothes etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 16:30

I'm a full time student and self employed so don't qualify for WTC. I get CB but that only covers 2 and a half days childcare.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 17/02/2013 16:30

If he pays the maintenance based on his wage, then he's doing all he "has to". Have you asked him to contribute more?

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 16:36

It just seems unfair that he can work/do as he likes in life without giving our daughter a second thought and that she is solely my responsibility when she actually has two parents. He says he can't afford to contribute - despite having 3 holidays abroad (one to Vegas for a fortnight!) And 2 expensive UK holidays with his girlfriend last year. Which he doesn't ask to take DD on then tells her I won't let her go.

OP posts:

VBisme · 17/02/2013 16:49

He is paying the maintenance required so I don't think you can demand that he pays any more. However, no harm in asking for more.

I wouldn't get hung up about what he spends his money on, it could be his girlfirend paying for the holidays.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 17:02

It isn't, she has an unpaid role at a school (gaining experience to train as a teaching assistant.) Really it's none of my business what he spends his money on, I just find it frustrating that he's happy to spout on about having joint responsibility for DD when it suits him and as long as it doesn't cost him anything.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2013 19:15

If you dont get WTC then its either because your household income is too high or you dont work 16 hours a week.

Your ex is paying child support and whilst you can wish for extra you can hardly berate that he can do what he likes in life when you yourself are choosing to study rather than work full time.

Itsaboatjack · 17/02/2013 19:26

I don't know much about how it works, but if it is agreed that he has her for half the holidays but then doesn't for whatever reason and she has to go to childcare then as its his day it seems to me that he should pay for it.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 22:26

My household income certainly isn't too high. I am self-employed currently and rather than choosing to study rather than work full time, I'm actually studying so that I may work full time in a career capable of financially supporting us.

OP posts:

redplasticspoon · 17/02/2013 22:44

Ali I think you are given an unwarranted hard time here.

I'm not quite sure I understand your situation though - if you are self-employed you can claim WTC. Have you investigated this?

Also if you are studying you can get a childcare bursary, unless you are studying part time?

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 17/02/2013 22:59

Technically it's part time but I'm doing it over 4 years instead of 6. I am only a freelance writer and my income isn't regular at all.

OP posts:

redplasticspoon · 18/02/2013 00:48

In that case Ali try to get some advice from the cab - as far as I know you don't need a regular income to claim tax credits, you just need to average your income over the year.

SquinkiesRule · 18/02/2013 01:22

If you are studying aren't you off in summer too?
I agree he needs to have her for half the summer, it is his responsibility to follow through on caring for her and if he needs childcare he can arrange it himself or pay the carer you use.
Maybe you should let him and his GF know in writing and by text/phonecall that he has Dd from x date to x date or on specific days, and who you use for care if he needs to use it and pay for it himself.

MidniteScribbler · 18/02/2013 02:05

I say this with all due respect, but if you keep getting yourself upset about him and what he is doing, then you're going to drive yourself crazy for the next 13 years. The best advice I ever heard is pretend that he doesn't exist. If he contacts you and wants to see her, then that's fine, but live your life as your own, not revolving around what he will or won't do, and what he will or won't pay for. Don't offer, make him ask. And if you already have something planned, then too bad for him. Don't rely on his money, just live within your means, and any extra from him is a bonus. Then, if he disappears or stops paying, you don't really miss anything.

Take control of your own life, don't rely on getting anything from him. It's hard for your daughter, but she will realise as she gets older who was there for her when it really mattered, and she will do better having a mum who is happy and focused on her. It has the added bonus of driving your ex crazy when he realises he can't use her or money to control you.

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